AITA for refusing to go to my MIL’s for dinner anymore?

A Redditor shares their frustration with their MIL, who repeatedly invites them to dinner but doesn’t serve the meal until hours later—disrupting their toddler’s routine and creating tension. Despite attempts to address the issue, their MIL has been critical and dismissive, leaving the user to wonder if refusing future dinner invitations is too harsh. Read the full story below to weigh in.

‘ AITA for refusing to go to my MIL’s for dinner anymore?’

I want to preface this by saying that I am on the spectrum, and therefore struggle with nuanced social situations. Which is why I’m reaching out to reddit for some third party insight. My MiL has recently moved back to our hometown after finally escaping from her ex. My husband and I were unaware of the severity of the situation (because MiL made efforts to hide it), and I know that my husband is feeling very guilty about it.

But MiL is doing better and has her own little apartment in town and has been working and rebuilding her life. We’ve made efforts to support her as much as possible, but we are in a tight spot financially, so what we can do is limited.

For the past few couple weeks, my MiL has been inviting us over to her place for dinner multiple times a week. She has always loved to cook, and says she is excited to get to cook for family again. Plus she gets to spend time with our toddler. The problem is that she has consistently told us to be there around 6pm, only for her to not have dinner ready until 9pm or later. And she refuses any help in the kitchen.

This is a major issue because we wind up staying out passed our daughter’s bedtime. Her whole nighttime routine gets thrown off, and it makes it harder to get her down for bed. Not to mention how cranky she gets waiting on the food.

I’ve tried to gently talk to my MiL about this, but she has always been critical of me, and of my parenting. She thinks it’s outrageous that I keep my daughter on such a strict schedule, and insists that when her kids were little, they didn’t have schedules, and just ate when they were hungry and fell asleep when they were tired and it worked out just fine.

I asked my husband to talk to his mom about it, but she basically told him the same thing. Then went off on him about how she was just trying to help us out financially by providing a few meals for us, and how it was terrible of us to try to make her feel bad for just wanting to spend time with her family.

So he dropped it, and we’ve been back to her place for dinner a couple more times since then. And it’s still been served at 9pm. And she’s been making passive aggressive comments about how I need to loosen up and how I can’t expect the world to stick to my schedule.

And my husband thinks we should just put up with it because his mom has been through so much, and he feels partially responsible because he was unaware of the situation and wasn’t able to protect her. But after a particularly critical phone call with her yesterday, I told my husband that I didn’t want to go to her place for dinner anymore. He insisted that she’s just stressed because of everything she’s been through, and we need to show her some leniency.

I told him that she can come over to our place for dinner every now and then, that would be fine. But I’m not going to be held captive at her apartment anymore. We didn’t really come to an agreement, though. And I’m thinking that maybe I’m being too harsh on my MiL, and torturing my husband in the process.. So reddit, AITA?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

CheeseMakingMom −  NTA. Childrearing theories have evolved over the decades since your MIL raised free-range children. If you absolutely cannot refuse the invitation (which is not a summons, BTW), pack some dinner for your little one and stick to your bedtime routine so she isn’t cranky and fussy.

If MIL still has a problem with it, because waiting for 3 hours past a specified time isn’t rude at all, then you need to present a united front with your spouse that your daughter will have a structured routine. Info: what does she make that requires 3 hours of prep time?

magiemaddi −  Well he didn’t notice his mother being abused, that’s awful. So what now, he’s going to let his mother verbally abuse his wife to make up for it???? NTA but maybe your husband needs a reality check that he is STILL letting a woman he loves be mistreated – but this time it’s YOU. Is he seriously okay with that? Why?

Does it make his mommy feel better to put you down? Does it make his mommy feel special? Does it make her feel better than you? And that’s why he’s okay with it? She’s not trying to “help financially” – she’s trying to buy the right to boss you around. She wants to watch you change your life and routine just because it suits her. Just so she can feel in control. You have a husband problem. He’s not helping his mom. He’s giving his mom a victim to criticize.

busyshrew −  My MIL used to do this very exact thing to my husband and I when our daughter was young. Our attendance at ‘family dinners’ was requested and expected on a regular basis. And no matter how many times I explained that our daughter went to bed at 7pm, dinner would be served….. at 7:30pm. or 8pm.

After the ILs did this more than once, I put my foot down and ripped my husband a new one. He had to figure out his priorities FAST. Please his mom? or have a happy fed child and a non-frazzled angry wife?

We began completely ignoring MIL’s schedule, and I would pack my daughter’s dinner and feed her at her hungry time (around 5pm). I would always pack and eat something too. Then I’d change my daughter into pajamas, and at about 7pm….. we would say our goodbyes and leave. (daughter slept in the car ride home).

MIL figured it out. She didn’t like it, but I didn’t care. We were giving her the visiting time, but respecting our daughter’s needs too. Good luck, stay strong, you are NOT being unreasonable. Good for you for putting your child’s needs first.. NTA.

rockology_adam −  NTA. Good sleep schedules for young children are important. It would be one thing if she was having the kid sleep for a bit at her place. That would be ok. The kid easts on arrival, plays with grandma for an hour, goes to sleep in a playpen or something similar, and you guys eat dinner at 9pm. It’s not perfect, but it would do for every few weeks or so.

But keeping the kid up til 9pm on grandma’s say so? No, grandma only gets to have that say so if the kid is staying and grandma’s and you’re not there. Even then, it’s borderline, but if you’re there, you set bedtime.

If your hubby still wants to go, that’s great. He can go on his own. If she wants to come see you for dinner and keep to your schedule, that’s fine too. If she wants to feed you upon arrival at 6pm, keep the kid up til 8:30pm and then let her sleep in the car a bit… that would work for me too, but you’ll set that for yourself.

MIL may have been through some trauma but she doesn’t get to download it on to you and your kid. She needs to accommodate your schedule, at least somewhat, if this is what she wants. Also, just to say it: what’s with the 6pm start? Do you guys not have any days that you could start earlier? I get that schedules are all over the place these days, but you could fix all of this by having her make brunch or luncheon one day.

CandylandCanada −  NTA. Let me sum this up for you: MIL made a series of choices, some of which had consequences, all of which she hid from you. Now that MIL is in a different situation, she is making new choices, which she expects you to accept unchallenged, while at the same time she criticizes the choices that you are making for your family. She expects you to adopt her life choices, because obviously they worked out so well for everyone.

Nope, non, na, uh-uh to all of that. Clearly, she doesn’t have all the answers for herself, let alone your family. Husband can go alone to the Neverending Meal if he wants, or she can come to your house where dinner wil be served at 6.

seracydobon −  NTA. Even if your child wasn’t in the picture, it’s just insensitive from the host’s part to invite people over for dinner for a certain time, when dinner is ready only T+3.

With your child in mind, this is even worse. Just because older generations got away with extremely bad and loose parenting (e.g. eat when they are hungry, sleep when they are tired), doesn’t mean they are the golden standard to follow – far be it actually. I liked how you phrased this as “being held captive”. I’ve had a similar experience with family before.

Stick to what you said to your husband I think. Have your MIL over, when you want to have her over – you’re not saying no to the relationship, but you want that time to be on your terms, when your MIL fails to respect your time on her terms.

OldGmaw2023 −  Who the hell thinks it is proper to make a child wait until 9 pm to eat ? Let Hub go let Him tell Mom that Normal people eat at Normal times.. Breakfast – lunch/dinner – supper…. not late night meals unless you are a shift worker. You have a Husband problem

shaihalud69 −  NTA. Reduce visits to once a week and tell her that you have to leave by x time, then do it. I don’t have kids but know enough that they have to be on a schedule for sleep. Obviously bring some kid-friendly food so your kid can eat on time, and have a meal prepped at home for yourself.

She’s obviously got some control issues around your parenting and she’s making a power play. While her a**sive relationship was terrible, she should be getting therapy instead of leaning on your family so hard for emotional support. Maybe offer to help her find one.

kimba-the-tabby-lion −  This is insane! Just ate when they were hungry and fell asleep when they were tired. Except your daughter can’t eat when she’s hungry because there is no food for hours; and she can’t sleep when she’s tired because she’s miles from her bed.. NTA.

I suggest you have a new rule: leave at 8pm (or whatever time you need to feed your daughter and get her to bed on time). Have something at home that is easy to heat, and stick to your guns. The food that is half prepared for tonight, can be popped in fridge, and will be much quicker to finish the next visit. By the third visit, it may be on the table in time for you to eat it!

Awkward-Tourist979 −  NTA.  You also don’t need to come to any agreement with your husband. You can stay home and have a normal routine and he can go out and wait until 9pm for dinner. Don’t fight this.  Disengage.