AITA for refusing to move?

A Redditor shared how, after 21 years of marriage filled with constant relocations for her husband’s career, she finally put her foot down and refused to move again. Despite securing a stable job, making friends, and being close to family for the first time in years, her husband wants to relocate for a promotion. When she told him she wouldn’t move this time, he accused her of being unsupportive and selfish. Now, he’s taken time to “think” while she questions if she’s in the wrong. Read the full story below!

‘ AITA for refusing to move?’

My (f42) husband (m44) and I have been married for 21 years. We have two adult children (m22 and m24), one is in college out of state and the other is in the navy. When we first got married, my husband was in navy, and we spent the first 10 years of our marriage moving from place to place, wherever his new duty station was. I found it hard to make friends, and I could not keep a job, so I made a difficult decision and decided to be a SAHM.

When he got out of the navy eleven years ago, he took a job and we moved. Three years in, he got offered a job in another part of the company, however, it was in another state, so we moved again. We stayed there for six years. I went back to college and got my degree and began looking for work.

I found a job I liked in my field, and six months into working, he said he was offered a job with a new company and wanted to take it, but that would mean we would be moving almost 2,000 miles from where we were in a new state. I reluctantly agreed because the new state would have more job opportunities for me and we would be closer to our family, which is something that we have not had in many years.

Last night my husband came up to me and said that there was a job opening in his company and he wanted to apply for it. It would mean a pay raise and better hours, but the caveat would be that we have to move again. We have been living in our new state for three years. I love it here. I have an amazing job and I am making great money.

I finally have friends and am able to socialize. I told him that I am not moving again. Any time we have to move, he always leaves first and I end up being responsible for selling/packing the house, and I am not doing that again. Our sons college is only 2 hours from here, we can see him twice a month. If we move, that means we would have at least a days drive and would only be able to do that once or twice a year!

Now my husband is upset with me and guilt tripping me because he claims I do not support him. I told him that was BS because I spent most of my life moving from place to place to support his career.

He told me that I am selfish and he is just trying to provide for us. I told him that we are more than comfortable where we are now, and that if he truly wants to take the job, he will be going alone.. AITA for refusing to move again?. *post update*. I hope that this is allowed. I apologize for not being able to respond to everyone. And thank you all for your kindness and replies.. To answer some questions.

1. My husband and I have been together since I was 15 and he was 17. He joined the navy right after graduation from high school when he was 18 and I was 16, but had to wait two years before we could marry.

2. He works for a company that has plants in 15 states. He is currently in middle management, but if he wants to advance his career further, he would need to go to another plant out of state.

3. Financially we are more than comfortable. We do not need anymore money.

4. My son plans to stay in the place he is after college. We have a great relationship with him and he comes home one time a month and we see him one time a month. My other son comes home on leave whenever he can and stays with us. We are very close to both of the boys.

5. I talked to my husband again tonight and told him quite firmly that moving again was not an option for me. The area he wants to moves has very little jobs in my field and specialty in that area and I would need to commute more than an hour one way for a job versus the 20 minutes I have here.

We are sandwiched between two major cities, and if we move we would be an hour from the most major city. I would also have to take a massive pay cut and work a menial job to build a new network to find employment in my field.

6. My husband is disappointed in me for not wanting to leave. He left to stay with a friend because he “needs to think.” He doesn’t understand why I would force him to turn down an opportunity to advance his career further. I told him to take all the time he needs, but I am not moving again. I said I would revisit the possibility when I am ready for retirement in 15 years but no sooner.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

shak1071 −  NTA – you gave yourself already the answer. You supported HIS career for 21 years, you gave everything up for HIM, your social Life, your Family, even postponed your education. And now, everything is settled, your doin finaly fine too – he accuses you of not supporting him. He should start supporting you for a bit. You did your part, now its your time to shine!. ​. ​

Edit: JFC! Thank you guys for all of those awards – my mailbox blew up!

poochonmom −  NTA! Your husband should be discussing each move with you and it should be a combined decision especially now that you have a job. His job and offer does not automatically have preference over yours.

Did he ever discuss a move with you after he left the Navy? Or was it always “we are doing this”? I was still on the fence given the history with the Navy (totally understandable needing to move and being used to it) but the fact that he expected you to sell and pack the house everytime is what made up my mind on the judgement.

For the post-Navy jobs, I can’t believe the companies didn’t give him time to settle his affairs and then move. It seems like he took it for granted that you would sell and pack the house everytime.

That too with little kids when they were younger!! I could never imagine being in that situation alone. Stand up for yourself now. It is not too late. Have a conversation about the pros and cons. About long term plans. It is ok if you end up deciding to move. Just make sure you have a say in it.

EDIT: wow! Thank you for the likes, awards, and responses!

PiewacketFire −  NTA He’s become accustomed to always getting it his own way with very little pushback, now that’s not just happening he’s trying to guilt and flip it around on you. Stand your ground. It’s going to be tough because there’s been a pattern over years which he will be loathe to give up, but it’s now or never for you. Polish that backbone.

TypicalManagement680 −  Moving is so easy for him because he’s not doing the hard part. You’ve sacrificed and moved around for him and he has the nerve to call you selfish and say you don’t support him. He’s selfish and emotionally m**ipulative. It’s okay to put your self first for once.. NTA

Edit: Thank you kind internet friends for all of the awards!. Edit 2: a word

NotSoAverage_sister −  NTA. This may be above Reddit’s paygrade. I have a question. You don’t appear to be TA regardless, but I still have a question. These other times that you moved, was he *offered* the job, or did he *apply* for the job?

And when he applied for the job: was it when you started to find your feet in your new home/city? Do these moves happen when you start to put down roots and gain confidence in who you are and what you are doing?. Sorry, that was several questions. I have 2 theories, which you can take or leave as you will.

1. He is a rolling stone and loves the challenge of a new place, and doesn’t like to be sedentary. Nothing wrong with that, except that when you have a partner you should make sure this is okay with said partner.

2. He doesn’t want you to have a support system outside of your nuclear family (him), and so now that you have a good job and make good money (enough to support yourself on your own), have friends and colleagues, he wants to leave. He wants you dependent on him for money, support, affection, and friendship. Constantly moving is his way of doing that.

Either way, no, you aren’t TA. You can turn the “unsupportive” card around on him. You are finally in a place where you are contributing. He isn’t the only one responsible for you two. You have your own retirement plan. You *do* have a retirement plan right?

SillyCdnMum −  NTA. Him claiming that you don’t support him is ridiculous.

SlightlyTwistedGames −  NTA. We work to live. We don’t live to work. It sounds like you’ve achieved happiness where you are, and that is a wonderful achievement that you aught not discard in the pursuit of your (or your husband’s) financial aspirations.

Your marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship. The questions that you and your husband need to be asking are; where do you want to spend the next 20 year’s? Where do you want to retire? If things stayed the way they are, can you live comfortably in retirement?

Redefined421 −  NTA. Relationships should work both ways. 50% of your life has been spent sacrificing both your happiness and career for his benefit. He’s never had to do the same for you, nor does it sound like he would.

If you had an opportunity to land your dream job that required you to move to another state, I would almost guarantee that your husband would refuse to move. So don’t feel even a little bit guilty that you’re putting yourself first for once since he never has.

QuixoticLogophile −  NTA Your husband is expecting you to uproot frequently as if you were still a military spouse. He needs to adjust his expectations to how civilian life works. Your job and your life is just as important as his. It’s not easy to transition out of military life. The dependent’s lives *have* to rotate around the military person.

Clearly your husband got used to that and thinks it’s normal all the time. It doesn’t help matters that you’ve uprooted several times as civilians for his jobs. He likes his life just as it is, where you just go wherever’s good for his career and he can just show up.

Do not agree to move. There is always something that’s better in a new location. You don’t have to put the best face on it. Moving is voluntary now, not mandatory. You and your husband should get some couple’s therapy. Your husband’s going to have to change the way he’s lived his entire adult life. That’s not gonna happen on it’s own, or just through conversations.

RainbowSequins −  NTA How much are you supposed to sacrifice for him?? So far everything has been about him and his job, his wants! You deserve to be happy too.

What do you think? Is it fair for the husband to expect his wife to move again after years of sacrificing her stability for his career? Or is the wife justified in saying no and putting down roots? Let us know your thoughts in the comments!