AITA for purposely leaving a huge mess before I went on vacation?

A Reddit user (M27) and his girlfriend (F24) have been living together for three years, during which she has not been working due to job loss during COVID-19. While he covers the mortgage and groceries, she manages utilities and household chores.

Recently, she has stopped cleaning and instead plays a virtual cleaning game, which frustrates him. After a particularly messy week, he reacted out of anger by making a huge mess before leaving for a five-day work trip.

Now, his girlfriend has left to stay with her parents until he acknowledges his behavior. Is he in the wrong for his actions? Read the original story below for more details.

‘ AITA for purposely leaving a huge mess before I went on vacation?’

Throwaway account because my (27m) girlfriend (24f) follows my main. For some context, my girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years and living together for 3 of them. During covid, not long after moving in together, my girlfriend was laid off from her job.

She claims EI, so her income is on the lower side. I make 6 figures and am well established in my career. I pay for the groceries and pay for the mortgage (the house is under my name). She covers utilities as she is at home most of the time and can’t afford to pay for much else.

Right after she lost her job she applied to different places, but no one was hiring and then after 6 months she stopped applying. I love her and I don’t mind being the main provider, although it does bother me that I haven’t seen her even trying to apply for jobs. I have brought this up and she gets frustrated/angry and the conversation doesn’t last long, so I’ve stopped bring it up.

We have had an unspoken agreement, she cooks and cleans because she is home all day and other than utilities doesn’t contribute anything else to the household. This brings me to the main issue: in the last few months she has stopped cleaning.

She has simultaneously started playing a virtual cleaning game, which infuriates me. Last week I came home to her still in her clothes from the night before and laying in bed playing this game. I don’t think she had even left the bedroom.

Our laundry is overflowing, there is a sink full of dishes, and the floors look disgusting. I lost it, I was supposed to be leaving for a 5 day work trip the next morning and had no clean clothes to pack.

I screamed at her for being lazy. This where I may be the a**hole, out of spite and partial pettiness I dumped two of our houseplants out, I dumped out two of the trash cans and the bottles, and finally tore apart the laundry basket to find my work clothes.

I was seeing red and I told her if she wants to play that ridiculous game instead of doing actual housework then I’ll continue to make the house as disgusting as the virtual rooms she cleans.

I took the clothes I thought I may need and went to stay at a friends house for the night and left for the trip in the morning. I came home yesterday, to the house clean EXCEPT for the mess I had made that night.She packed a few of her things and has decided to stay at her parents house for the moment until “I realize what an a hole I am.” I’m not sure I even want to apologize or if I feel sorry. So reddit did I take it to far? AITA?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

warclonex −  ESH – You less so but also get a new GF if nothing changes. Main things i dont agree with. The yelling…..probably should have gone with a mature discussion BEFORE it got to the state of overflowing laundry or sink full of dishes….i mean that kind of stuff accumilates and doesnt magically appear.

The throwing out of house plants…..like what? why? The dumping out of trash cans? like…intentionally making mess? not needed

IamtheStinger −  Just ask her not to come back. Simple. You two are not meant to be together.

NinjaHidingintheOpen −  ESH but her living elsewhere is the answer.

stillrooted −  ESH. Did you ever actually . . . talk about your “unspoken” agreement? Did you express your needs for a clean living space, or did you sit on your resentment until you exploded into a scary, a**sive reaction? 

If you talked about it and nothing changed, the right thing to do would’ve been to end the relationship. Not simmer until you boiled over.
Meanwhile, she sucks for not being willing to talk about how your household functions and who contributes what.

She sucks for not communicating with you if she feels o**rwhelmed or depressed. Either way, you don’t really come across as being very good to or for one another based on this post.

Normal-Height-8577 −  ESH. You have a genuine and valid beef, but your reaction was a**sive and terrifying. You must have known that your trip was coming up, so why couldn’t you talk to your girlfriend ahead of time – and if she didn’t do anything constructive within a reasonable amount of time, you could have sorted out your own clothes for the trip and considered your king term options.

At this point, you’d probably be better calling the relationship quits if neither of you are prepared to work on it. Passive-aggression solves nothing except to breed contempt between you, and then that contempt tips into outright fury and h**red. Which you’ve just discovered.

ThrowRA_Someg −  YTA. Dude. Grow tf up. You throw around things like “I make 6 figures” because you think you’re too good for others. You clearly see your SO as less than you. That’s so arrogant. You think all that money gives you the right to demean someone like that?

To treat them like a slave? Clearly she has the option of living with family instead of you, you aren’t her knight in shining armor, you aren’t her master. In a relationship it’s about PARTNERSHIP not division of labor. She’s not your coworker Steve, she’s the person you supposedly love. All of that is before we even get to the incident!

You threw a f*ing tantrum! A grown ass man making 6 figures and you threw a tantrum like a 6 year old child. Be responsible for your own crap. Do your own laundry, clean your own dishes. She’s not hired help! If you want a maid, hire a maid. At least a maid you might treat with professionalism which is more than you can say for your SO.

I don’t even know you beyond this post and I already know for a fact that we wouldn’t get along because you clearly have no respect for the person you should be putting before anyone else. She may be lazy, but that doesn’t give you the right to behave like that. Ever heard the saying “two wrongs don’t make a right”?

You ever think maybe she’s depressed because she can barely afford utilities and doesn’t have a job and doesn’t feel like she can contribute anything? Ever think maybe that one stupid game is all that’s separating her from a complete mental breakdown? Talk to her! Get her some therapy! Help her with her resume!

Make some calls to some of your 6 figure earning buddies and see if they have any positions that fit her skill set! Do something! And for the love of all that is good in this world, learn to use your words, not your fists. Before a jail cell does it for you when you have another tantrum and take it just that one step further.

MushroomTypical9549 −  Honestly, I would just tell her to stay with her parents and you will pack her stuff for her. Marriage is the single most important decision you will make.

It will decide how your kids turn out, the assets you will accrue, the type of memories you will build, and the priorities in your life. An adult child like that who doesn’t want to work, contribute and help support you will be a bad mom and bad wife.

Just think – if the genders were reversed, everyone will be saying you are taking advantage, a b**, a deadbeat, a l**er…. You shouldn’t have yelled where and instead had an adult conversation about it before you blew-up, but at this point I would just move on. You are still young and she needs to grow up.

EvilGodCookie −  He pays for groceries and mortgage, she pays for the amenities, although she is unemployed. She is supposed to do all the house work in “an unspoken agreement”. You get enraged, break stuff, scream at her and you are somehow the victim.

Either you think you contribute too much even not paying everything and expecting her to do all the chores yet she also pays bills or you just assumed your “unspoken agreement” and is an a**hole.. YTA.

embopbopbopdoowop −  “We have had an unspoken agreement … “. Probably should have spoken about it.. ESH.

HappySummerBreeze −  ESH but you need to find a way to communicate “I’m serious – this is really important” without exploding.