AITA for not including adult son’s social time as “work” hours?

A Reddit user asked if they were in the wrong for not counting their adult son’s social outing as part of a work agreement to earn financial assistance. Despite offering him a chance to earn money through household tasks, the son believed that attending a concert with family should qualify as “work hours.” Read the full story below to see how the situation unfolded and whether the user’s actions were fair.

‘ AITA for not including adult son’s social time as “work” hours?’

My son (23M) lives with me (45F) and has not had a full-time, consistent job for nearly two years. He struggles with depression, and in my layman’s estimation, a screen-time addiction (80+hrs/wk).

The past 3 years have been littered with false starts in schools (both expensive private ones and community college) and just odd jobs here and there to sustain his car payment and insurance on his own. He refuses to work retail or food services, and has no formal education and only a modicum of experience in the skill areas he’s interested in.

He comes to me last week – $2 in his bank account and car insurance due – and asks me for a loan. I tell him no because I don’t want to see him struggling in a debt hole without a reasonable way to get on top of it. However, I WILL do a secured pre-payment for service.

I tell him if he’ll commit to doing 10 hours worth of work for me – errands, the household ‘honey-do’ list, etc. – over 3 days (Friday to Sunday), I will front him the money he needs, plus a little bit of padding. I do add one condition and tell him that if the 10 hours are not completed by midnight Sunday, the power cable to his laptop will become mine until the hours are completed.

(Knowing that the only reason things usually don’t get done is because he’s gaming with friends.) He is grumpy about it, but agrees, as he’s out of short-term options. (Car insurance is due Friday).

Saturday afternoon he’s completed 5.5 of the 10 hours. He is drained and frustrated from an assembly project I gave him and asks to bail on our previously planned social outing to a concert with some family and friends that evening. I tell him he’s an adult – I’m not going to **make** him do anything.

I said it was 100% his call whether to come or not. But I highly encouraged him to come, as I felt time away from screens in the real world would do his mental health some good. He comes, but is meh-attitude about it the whole time. Complains about the music and is on his phone a lot. I pay for his ticket, his dinner, and his two adult beverages while we’re out.

Upon waking at noon on Sunday, he asserts that his “work” obligation is completed by the prior evening’s social outing. I disagree, saying that “work” is different from “effort”. I realize it took effort to go out, and I applaud that effort. However, earning money is about providing a valuable service to other people, and while I enjoyed his company, that particular effort was really in a service to himself.

He did not speak to me the rest of the day, pointedly avoided my direct attempts to be polite and offer pleasantries, and proceeded to hole up in his office and play video games with friends. Today, the work is not complete. I am a person of my word and have now taken his power cable to his computer.

Yes, I should have had the foresight to clarify that going out was not counted towards work, I thought it was patently obvious, but apparently not. BUT – AITA for not counting his social outing towards his hours worked??

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Aware_Welcome_8866 −  He is 23. You are assigning chores and consequences like he is a teenager. He’s an adult. Charge him for rent, food, etc. You are NTA for failing to specify that outings were not part of the 10 hours of work. But you are coddling your son way too much.

terraformingearth −  This question is so very minor compared to the larger issue of you enabling his behavior, depression, addiction, or all of the above. You need a good counselor to stop enabling him, you are assisting in crippling him for life.

SocietyAtrophy −  NTA. If going to a concert with friends and family and having my ticket, food and drinks bought for me counted as work, I would have already quit my job lol And i do relate to your son a bit. I definitely view social outings as a bit of effort and I definitely cant muster up the energy for every outing.

I do like skipping social events for an evening of gaming/movies a lot of the time. However, it sounds like he doesnt muster up the energy for any outings. There is a balance and never going out will definitely deteriorate his mental health, I am speaking from experience.

You absolutely cannot break on your word let him count the social outing as “work”. This will just reinforce his current mindset. He needs to figure out how to view having friends and family as a blessing, not a chore

Acrobatic-Ad-3335 −  NTA. But I’m concerned about what steps are being taken to address his mental health & ability to become self-sufficient? He clearly needs help, & you won’t be around forever. It may be time to place conditions on his continued lifestyle.

LowBalance4404 −  You do realize you can change the wifi password and not give it to him, right? YTA for enabling all of this.

slackerchic −  “He struggles with depression, and in my layman’s estimation, a screen-time addiction (80+hrs/wk)” Jesus that is a lot of time. How is he paying for this? If you’re the one footing the bill for the home, the food, the phone, the cable, the streaming services, etc then you are enabling him to continue this behavior.

You are not doing your son a favor at this point, you are helping to cripple him. What would he do if something happened to you? He is not a child and needs to become independent. Part of parenting is letting the baby bird fly. Otherwise he’s just going to be stuck in the nest forever and will break his legs trying to get out after you’re gone. Sorry but YTA.

CrazyOldBag −  I understand that you don’t want to kick him out before Christmas. However, you need to tell him, clearly and calmly, that you’re done. Give him formal notice now that he must be out of the house by (whatever date you choose, but not more than 30 days), and STICK TO IT.

Arrange for police to enforce the eviction, if necessary. As long as you keep enabling him, he has no incentive to make changes. Getting whapped upside the head with the clue by-four of grim reality hopefully will jump-start him into doing instead of just being. Good luck, OP. Don’t let him (or anyone) guilt-trip you.

Eastern_Condition863 −  Change the wifi password. He doesn’t get it back until his rent is paid in full. Time to toughen up, Mama.

Poiuni −  NTA – He only had 4.5hrs of ‘work’ left to do, and going out to a concert and have everything paid for by you isn’t work.

pottersquash −  NTA. He is 23, not 13. If he thought visiting with family counted towards work, this is an important lesson in how wrong that is.

Do you think the user’s distinction between “work” and “effort” was reasonable, or should the son’s social outing have counted towards his hours? How would you handle such a situation involving boundaries, accountability, and family support? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments!