AITA for not helping my (23F) husband (25M) get ready for work?

A Reddit user (23F) shares her frustration about her husband (25M) being angry with her for not helping him get ready for work. After hosting friends late into the night, she had to care for their child who woke up multiple times, leaving her exhausted by morning.

When her husband woke up late and yelled at her for not assisting him, she remained in bed, feeling that it wasn’t her responsibility. Despite previously being the primary breadwinner and managing everything on her own, she feels his expectations are unfair and inconsistent.

‘ AITA for not helping my (23F) husband (25M) get ready for work?’

My husband is furious with me and I’m a little conflicted. We had some friends over last night until 2am. Unusual for us but we haven’t seen these friends in a while so we were catching up. We went to sleep in good spirits. My child woke up quite a lot during the night so I had to console her and basically sleep in her room for most of the night.

Finally just before 7am, she seemed completely out so I was able to climb into my own bed but my husband woke up 5 minutes later and scrambles out of bed and yelling at me “Why did you turn off the alarm???” (I didn’t, I wasn’t even in the room) He turned on the lights in the room and ran out, I could hear him thumping about but I was really tired so I pulled the blanket over my head and continued sleeping.

He banged into the room and yelled at me again “Why aren’t you helping me get ready??” I just ignore him and I can hear that he’s pissed off by the way he’s breathing and walking. 20 minutes later, he’s out of the house and left all the lights on everywhere and he texted me that he’s upset with me. That’s the situation, but here’s the thing…

First: this is usually the normal time that he gets up and I usually don’t help him in the mornings? (But he keeps asking me to)

Second: I wasn’t always a stay at home mom (still work from home about part time). I only recently started it 2 months ago upon his request and before that I was a fulltime working mom and before that I was the sole breadwinner working overtime while he went to college. Do you know how many times he’s helped me get ready when I had to get out of the house by 6am? None. Zero.

When I was the sole breadwinner, I woke up at 5am and he woke up at 10am. And then when he got a job, he woke up at 7am. I always made sure to be quiet and not wake him even if I was late. He has NEVER made me lunch, breakfast or dinner. Yet, he expects me to have all that ready for him. So AITA for not helping him get ready? This is important because I have a wall of text I want to text him about how unfair I think his expectations are.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Ok-Position7403 −  NTA at all! but please don’t “wall of text” him. Just tell him “we need to have a talk when you get home”. There is a lot going on here and texting is not going to help any of it. Get your thoughts together today so you are ready for the discussion. You want to be cool and have all your points in mind, not have a shouting match.

Boy needs a Come to Jesus meeting and you’ll be best prepared by rehearsing your points in your head than angry texting back and forth all day, with the risk of saying maybe more than you meant. Words, once said, cannot be unsaid. You justifiably have a LOT of words for him- just be sure they are the right ones.

sunflower_noir −  NTA. To be frank, he’s acting like a child. He can get himself ready. He’s an adult. That’s not even taking into account that you were essentially up all night with your child and got no sleep. Tbh it sounds like he wants you to be his personal servant. Nip this in the bud or it’ll be the reason you eventually divorce. The level is disrespect and entitlement he’s showing is absurd.

RammsteinFunstein −  NTA. Are you married to a toddler? What does he even mean “help him”? How does one need help to get ready in the morning?

HowlPen −  NTA but you are doing yourself a major disservice if you don’t create a long term plan for yourself. Figure out what you need to do to qualify for a future job that will give you financial security. Make sure you are using birth control, take classes, find a morning childcare program, keep up the part-time work- something so you aren’t always this financially depending on him. 

newbeginingshey −  NTA. Tell him you’ll talk when he’s calmed down. Book an hour long reservation in a study room at a local library, where you two will have to have a quiet, respectful conversation about it.

Spend the first 10 minutes with each of you, separately writing down what “help getting ready in the morning” means to you – from the perspective of what you’ve received when the sole breadwinner vs what you would have appreciated, and then from the perspective of the potential helper – what help you’ve provided vs would have enjoyed providing. Then compare your lists.

If he pretends to not notice the hypocrisy in what he provided you vs what he’s demanding of you, then no amount of reasoning or counseling is going to solve this dynamic, because he fundamentally believes you owe him but he doesn’t owe you in the marriage – he believes the marriage exists to serve him, not you. If he believes that, you can’t fix it.

If, however, there’s a light bulb moment, and he can apologize for reacting like a j**k in the moment while tired and stressed OR if he says, you know, I really could use help in the mornings and would like to offer you help in other ways so we’re both helping each other, there’s hope.. Good luck!

NapalmAxolotl −  NTA. You’re married to a sexist AH. He thinks your entire role is wife and mother, nothing else. And he has an antiquated view that a wife exists to take care of him. (Naturally he wouldn’t take care of you or be considerate of you in the same ways, that’s only a wife thing, husbands don’t do that in his s*xist view.)

This is a huge underlying issue in your marriage. See a couples therapist, you will not be able to work through this by yourselves. (If you belong to a conservative church, do not see a counselor from your church, they may reinforce the idea that wives exist only to serve their husbands.)

East-Bake-7484 −  NTA. He’s steering you toward being entirely dependent on him so it’ll be hard for you to leave when he continues to treat you like a servant. Go back to work.

gamboling2man −  Go back to work. It sounds a bit like he is trapping you at home and is now letting you see the real him. Be wary of his behavior moving forward.. Or it was just a bad morning.. Either way, NTA.

Humble_Pen_7216 −  This is not a “wall of text” situation. This is a “I’m calling a lawyer if you don’t smarten up” situation. Your husband is behaving like a child and treating you unacceptably. There is no discussion about his expectations required. The expectation is that he gets his head out of his ass and takes care of business. In the interim, you need to get a job immediately. Do not allow yourself to be dependent on this man for anything – if you do, you will find yourself trapped. NTA.

[Reddit User] −  What does he expect you to do, clean his teeth for him, or perhaps brush his hair? NTA.