AITA for not getting my friend anything for her birthday?

A Reddit user faces backlash from her friend, Jane, for not getting her a birthday gift, even though Jane specifically said she didn’t want anything.

The day after Jane’s birthday, the user gave their mutual friend Sarah a present, causing Jane to accuse her of favoritism and making her feel unimportant. Confused and frustrated, the user is now questioning if she’s in the wrong for respecting Jane’s initial wishes.

‘ AITA for not getting my friend anything for her birthday?’

Okay, so I (25F) had two friends with birthdays back-to-back last week. Let’s call them Jane (26F) and Sarah (26F). About a week before Jane’s birthday, I asked her if she wanted anything for it. Her exact words were, “Oh, I don’t want anything,” so I figured I’d listen and respect that. No big deal, right?

Sarah, on the other hand, mentioned she really liked a necklace she saw online and casually said that if I was planning on getting her anything, she’d love the necklace. So, I got her the necklace.

Fast forward to Jane’s birthday. Unfortunately, I was sick that day, so I stayed home. Didn’t get her anything since she said she didn’t want anything, and I didn’t think much of it.

The next day was Sarah’s birthday. I was feeling better, so I went to work with a little gift bag and gave her the necklace. Jane saw me give Sarah her gift and started acting really distant, basically ignoring me for the rest of the day. After work, she texted me something like:

“Wow, it was so rude of you to not get me anything for my birthday and then show up with a gift for Sarah right in front of me. Just because I said I didn’t want anything doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have gotten me something. I thought we were friends, but clearly you only care about other people. Thanks for making me feel like I don’t matter.”

I was honestly shocked. I reminded her that she literally told me she didn’t want anything, but she fired back with, “That’s just something people say! You should’ve known better than to actually listen to that.” So now I’m confused. AITA for not getting Jane anything for her birthday and giving Sarah a present the next day?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

CoverCharacter8179 −  Well, I do think that what you did could be considered ill-advised. However, I will go with NTA here because I have absolutely zero patience or sympathy for the “lie about what you want and then fault the other person for not recognizing the lie and doing the opposite” maneuver.

Aggressive_Cattle320 −  Many people say “oh, I don’t need anything…..” or “I don’t want anything, really!” but most don’t mean it literally. They may not need or want anything material, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to completely ignored on their special day, either!

If someone says they don’t want anything, I usually get them a card and ask what they’d like to do to celebrate their birthday. Suggesting anything from a dinner or lunch at their favorite spot or inviting them on a movie and popcorn date. Even coffee and luscious dessert at a cafe. SOMETHING that says “I am glad you came into my world”.

You felt ill on her birthday but did you think to call and wish her a happy birthday? That is why she was hurt. You took her, literally, not even considering any kind of nod to her birthday!

angelbrookey −  sounds like jane wanted attention not a gift. if she didn’t want anything why get mad? kinda wild how people flip the script like that. just enjoy sarah’s necklace now

perpetuallyxhausted −  NTA cause this is one of those s**tty “I’m gonna say the opposite of what I mean and just assume you can read my mind and know that” things.

You asked her what she wanted and she said nothing, it’s not wrong that you followed her direction. If she ever realises that she was in the wrong here, you could let her know that when you ask what she’d like for a gift, if she doesn’t want to say something specific, she could give a general idea eg. jewellery, a book, something from a specific TV show ect.

Lizwings −  Ooh, this is a tough one, because it’s completely normal that when asked about your birthday, you say something like “Oh, you don’t have to get me anything”, but it doesn’t mean you don’t want anything- it’s just seen by many people as rude to ask for something.

It’s sort of assumed that you will still get them something, if you’re close enough to be asking about it in the first place, and if you get presents for other friends. And definitely a card, at least. You took Jane literally at her word, but this is a situation that doesn’t work that way. Jane was just being polite.

Also, getting something for one friend but not the other reads like you care more about one friend than the other, so I can understand Jane feeling hurt. 

I understand why you did what you did, but now you know that it’s not what the situation calls for, and to make it up to Jane, I would get her something equal in value to Sarah’s present, to show that you care about her equally.  

TickityTickityBoom −  YTA – a card and a candle/flowers/drink/drinks out invitation is something for recognition of a birthday.

stellastevens122 −  People tend to say that and not mean it. A handy trick is to always bring something small. I usually go for something like chocolates or a gift voucher. That way they were given something but it wasn’t over the top. You’re definitely NTA.

I would just be aware of people potentially saying that as to not be a burden. She is way out of line for calling you out though. That is an extremely s**fish move on her part.

BedazzledLioness1 −  She told you she didn’t want anything so you listened to her. Had she of said she wanted something I’m sure you would of gotten it for her. But she didn’t. Your other friend, however, was clear in what she wanted so therefore you got it. Jane shouldn’t be upset that she didn’t get anything from you because she’s the one who told you she didn’t want anything. . NTA.