AITA for not consenting to my husband’s twin brother moving in with us?

A Redditor is grappling with a significant decision regarding her husband’s twin brother, Sam, who has autism. Since getting married less than a year ago, family dynamics have become a point of contention, especially after her husband expressed his desire to have Sam move in with them.

The user feels uncomfortable with this long-term arrangement, citing prior discussions about the impact of family members living with them. Now, she’s questioning whether her refusal to consent makes her an inconsiderate partner. Read the original story below to understand the full context of her dilemma.

‘ AITA for not consenting to my husband’s twin brother moving in with us?’

My husband and I got married less than a year ago. For most of our relationship one of our biggest issues and cause of arguments has been his family. My husband has a large family and including half-siblings, he is 1 of 12 children. This includes his twin brother, Sam, who has autism. One of his younger brothers also has autism but is higher functioning.

Previously, before we married, one of my husband’s brothers moved in with us for 8 months. I knew going into it that it was going to be temporary and therefor okayed it. However, I made clear then that his family members staying with us wasn’t really ideal for me.

Both of my husband’s autistic brothers have spent most their lives living with their grandpa. However, back in 2018 they decided it was no longer appropriate for Sam to live with their grandpa due to his higher care needs.

Sam moved in with their oldest sister and has lived there ever since. Sam is mostly non-verbal and although he has some independence skills, he needs help with everyday tasks and shouldn’t really be left home alone for more than an hour.

My SIL’s youngest child left home early last year and she’s now planning to move in with her eldest son and her grandkids. She can only do this if she can find a new home for Sam. Recently, my husband came to me and told me he wanted Sam to move in with us.

He argued we have the space, and he has the time to look after Sam. He thinks as Sam’s twin it’s his duty to be the one to take Sam in. He also said their sister is still going to be spending a lot of time with Sam. I feel bad but I told him I didn’t want Sam to live with us.

This would be a long-term living arrangement not temporary like his other brother. I told him he should have told me before marriage that he would be wanting his brother to live with us. I feel because he didn’t it’s my right to say no now.

This is a big change that will affect the rest of the foreseeable future and our future plans of starting a family. Yesterday, my husband and I were at my SIL’s home discussing Sam’s future and I told her I didn’t want Sam to move in with us. I suggested to her if she stayed in house to look after Sam, my husband and I can try to be a bigger help to her.

She became annoyed with me after that and complained she’s been looking after her younger siblings since kindergarten, became a teen mom and raised 7 kids of her own, and she can finally now have the time to do what she wants.

I expressed my opinion that she was being cold to Sam who is incredibly attached to her, I could see him getting very depressed living away from her. She got mad at me after that.

Although my husband said he would only take Sam in with my consent, I can tell he’s going to hold it against me if I don’t. Am I being the a**hole? I think they’re being very short sighted about Sam’s future and all the siblings have flat out refused him going into a home.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

mdthomas −  My husband and I got married less than a year ago. Makes me wonder if he was already planning this. Previously, before we married, one of my husband’s brothers moved in with us for 8 months. I knew going into it that it was going to be temporary and therefor okayed it.. Testing the waters perhaps?

Recently, my husband came to me and told me he wanted Sam to move in with us. He argued we have the space, and he has the time to look after Sam. So why did he get married to you if his plan was to but full time caregiver for his brother? I feel bad but I told him I didn’t want Sam to live with us.. Totally fair!

I told him he should have told me before marriage that he would be wanting his brother to live with us. He absolutely should have! You married him. Not he and his brother! I feel because he didn’t it’s my right to say no now. It’s your right to say no simply by living in the house.

She became annoyed with me after that and complained she’s been looking after her younger siblings since kindergarten, became a teen mom and raised 7 kids of her own, and she can finally now have the time to do what she wants. None of this is your issue to deal with.

Am I being the a**hole? I think they’re being very short sighted about Sam’s future and all the siblings have flat out refused him going into a home. Then THEY can care for him. You didn’t sign up for this.. NTA.

woowdiewoop −  NTA. But only for the question you asked. He should have let you know earlier in the relationship if he had plans for his brother to move in. Maybe you should have asked him sooner too. However, y t a for trying to manipulate and guilt trip the sister into continuing to be the main caregiver.

[Reddit User] −  YTA for how you threw a guilt trip on someone who has been parentified and had their time and wellbeing extracted from them for damn near their whole life. That was a d**k move. NTA for standing your own ground with your husband.

Edit: Though I do think it was lacking in foresight and pragmatism on your part to marry someone with a disabled twin thinking that wouldn’t impact your life. Should’ve had that discussion.

Proper-Media2908 −  ESH – you for telling that poor woman who just wants an independent life after decades of caring for others thar she’s being cold. Your husband for trying to force this on you. Sam needs to be in a group home. Or you need to leave yoir husband.

sh1tsawantsays −  INFO: Where are your husband’s parents (aka Sam’s parents) in all of this. Why wouldn’t they be housing/caring for Sam now that grandpa cannot take care of them?

aKaRandomDude −  Divorce him now, before you have kids with him.

Decent_Cream_1400 −  YTA – not because you are unwilling to take care of Sam but because you did a really great job of emotional b**ckmail on the one who has been Sam’s caregiver – you don’t think she realizes what this will do to Sam not being with her after so long.

And your only solution is to leave the burden to one family member and “try” to be a bigger help. TRY – pathetic. You did marry into this family correct?

[Reddit User] −  NTA – for resisting your husband’s request to have his twin brother move in, especially if this wasn’t previously disclosed as part of your marriage expectations. It’s reasonable to consider how such a long-term arrangement might affect your future plans.

However, addressing this issue with empathy and engaging in constructive dialogue with your husband and his family might be necessary to reach a solution that accommodates both your needs and Sam’s well-being.

celticmusebooks −  INFO How much care does your BIL need? Would he qualify for any sort of group home placement? You say **all the siblings have flat out refused him going into a home.**

They are struggling with the toddler’s dilemma. They want two mutually exclusive things. They don’t want the brother in a “home” but apparently don’t want to step up and take him in.

I suspect that if you and your husband perished in a car accident tomorrow the brother would be in a home by the weekend.
Years ago when my in laws began needing more help one of the counsellors said something that really guided the interaction of the kids/spouses. “You need to own your wants.”

My sister in law demanded that one of the kids/spouses accompany the parents to every medical appointment– but of course not her because she lived almost an hour away. My in laws were still driving and this was before my FIL started to experience dementia.

There was no “need” for them to have someone with them she just “wanted” it and was demanding someone else do the work. Your in laws need to “own their wants”. IF they want their brother living with a family member then they need to take him in. I’m going with ESH Your husband’s family is putting you in an awful, unfair position.

I’m wondering, perhaps unfairly, that the plan all along was for you and your husband to be his caretakers after you were married–I really hope I’m wrong about that but it’s hard not to wonder.You crossed the line when you tried to b**ly/guilt your SIL into continuing to take care of him after she’s sacrificed seven years already.

**I can tell he’s going to hold it against me if I don’t.** This is the crux of the problem. If he’s going to continue to hold this against you if you don’t and YOU will undoubtably hold it against him if you do this is a no win situation.

The two of you need to find a PROFESSIONAL marriage counselor ASAP. You also need a family meeting with a professional counsellor skilled in supporting families with a disabled family member.

Comfortable-Sea-2454 −  NTA. This is a big change that will affect the rest of the foreseeable future and our future plans of starting a family. Yesterday, my husband and I were at my SIL’s home discussing Sam’s future and I told her I didn’t want Sam to move in with us. I suggested to her if she stayed in house to look after Sam, my husband and I can try to be a bigger help to her.

She became annoyed with me after that and complained she’s been looking after her younger siblings since kindergarten, became a teen mom and raised 7 kids of her own, and she can finally now have the time to do what she wants.

I expressed my opinion that she was being cold to Sam who is incredibly attached to her, I could see him getting very depressed living away from her. She got mad at me after that. Although my husband said he would only take Sam in with my consent, I can tell he’s going to hold it against me if I don’t.

Am I being the a**hole? I think they’re being very short sighted about Sam’s future and all the siblings have flat out refused him going into a home.

If Sam does move into your house with you and your husband you will become a caregiver whether you want to or not. All the other siblings who don’t want him to go into a home need to step up.