AITA For not attending my brother’s baby shower?

A Reddit user shared a story about a complicated sibling relationship that led to her decision not to attend her brother’s baby shower. Despite sending a thoughtful gift and card, her brother became upset when he heard she didn’t attend due to feeling unwelcome based on years of strained interactions.

Now she’s wondering if her choice to stay away was the right one. Read the full story below to see if you’d handle things differently.

‘ AITA For not attending my brother’s baby shower?’

I (F34) have an older half-brother (39) that I’ll call Will, that I have had a very complicated relationship with since we were children. His mom and our dad got divorced when he was 3. Our dad dated around for a year before he met my mom, and I showed up eighteen months later.

When we were young we got along alright but around the time Will turned 12 he started being mean, mostly normal sibling stuff, my things would go missing when he was at the house, if there was a snack or a treat I wanted he’d take it just because I wanted it, I got blamed for a lot of things I hadn’t done and I’d get punished.

And it was all very confusing for me because suddenly my older brother who I wanted to spend time with wanted nothing to do with me. By the time I was a teenager it was just easier to avoid him, talk to him as little as possible, and stay out of his way when he came to visit.

There were still pointed comments about the way I dressed, my weight, how annoying I was, and when I’d get upset it became a race to the bottom to see how quickly he could make me cry. I gave up by the time I was 18 in having a relationship with him.

He’d made it clear he didn’t want me in his life, and I didn’t really want him in mine either. We see each other once a year at Christmas and stay as far away from each other as possible.

He had cancer a few years back, I sent a card and called a few times to ask how he was but he wasn’t any more interested in having me around then he’d ever been so I left it alone.

Fast forward to a two weeks ago, and I was surprised to receive an invitation to a baby shower for his girlfriend, I debated whether to go and ultimately decided to stay home, I did send a card and a gift along with one of our aunts, but I didn’t want my being there to turn into an issue, and somehow ruin the day.

My aunt did ask why I didn’t attend, and I was honest in that I didn’t think he actually wanted me there and it was better for both of us that I didn’t. Which led to a very awkward phone call from Will this afternoon. He wanted to know why I was telling people he didn’t want me at his baby shower, I’d been invited hadn’t I?

Why would he have invited me if he didn’t want me there? Why do I have to ruin everything by making it about me? I told him that I was sorry but nothing about our relationship for the last twenty years has suggested that he wanted me to come.

I didn’t attend because I wanted him to be able to enjoy the day, and he hadn’t been bothered by my not attending until now so I assumed it was only because someone else had asked him about it that he cared at all. At which point I hung up.

I don’t think I did anything wrong, I could have lied and just said I had to work and that’s why I couldn’t go, but I feel like that too somehow would have been misconstrued as me not making an effort just to be spiteful or something.

Check out how the community responded:

Ducky818 −  NTA. He wasn’t interested in a relationship for years, possibly decades. If he wanted a relationship with you, he will have to work at it. It should be a private conversation (probably many) to rebuild it.

A public baby shower is not the place to try to begin rebuilding. As for your telling him the reasons why… good for you. He needed to hear the truth. He probably doesn’t realize how his behavior is perceived by others.

SolitaryTeaParty −  NTA. He either wants the extra gifts OR he’s worried that people will talk if you’re not there. He didn’t like you then, and he does not like you now. Do not waste your time on him.

SliceEquivalent825 −  NTA. He set the tone of the relationship. It is not your responsibility to jump when he says so. I would keep my distance, do not let him manipulate you any further. You owe him nothing.

emmiec1717 −  NTA ,he probably hasn’t mentioned to his gf why your not closer ,that’s why you were invited.

wlfwrtr −  NTA Sounds like he may have only wanted you there so he didn’t have to answer questions from GF’s family. He couldn’t be truthful and say “When I was 12 I started treating them terribly and never stopped.”

GSD_enthusiast −  NTA. But you did make it about him, in a way. Why didn’t you just tell him that you don’t really have a relationship and – judging by the last 20 years or so – you didn’t think you would enjoy the event.  

blonstell_blue −  Unless there’s a good and valid reason, skipping a family celebration can come off as unsupportive.

Necessary_Device_227 −  NTA. You and Will have a complicated relationship. You’ve understood it and have moved about your life accordingly. Just because you received an invite to a baby shower didn’t magically make your relationship with Will all warm and fuzzy.

You sent a gift. What more could anyone have asked for? Family dynamics are weird sometimes. If the two of you aren’t close, I doubt that you will get the chance to be an involved aunt.. You did nothing wrong.

Do you think she made the right choice by avoiding the baby shower to keep the peace, or should she have attended to show support? How would you handle a family event with strained relationships? Share your thoughts below!