AITA for not allowing my father to meet my dying mother at the hospital?

A Redditor shared a deeply emotional story about refusing to allow their estranged father to visit their dying mother in the hospital. Their father had been in the process of divorcing their mother after being unfaithful, causing significant emotional pain.

Despite still being married, the Redditor and their family decided that their father had lost the right to see their mother after how he treated her. Read the original story below for more details on the family dynamics and the decision to exclude the father from the final moments.

‘ AITA for not allowing my father to meet my dying mother at the hospital?’

I’m a 25 year old guy and my parents were in the process of divorcing when my mother got diagnosed with a terminal illness. After the diagnosis, my father stalled the divorce proceedings. My father filed for divorce after 26 years of marriage after he fell in love with his younger business partner. She recently gave birth to his child.

My mother was a stay at home mom for 25 years who took care of the entire household while my father worked long hours. She was blindsided when my father told her about wanting a divorce. He told her that he would always love her as his best friend and as the mother of his 5 children, but he was also in love with this other woman.

My mother was devastated and stopped eating properly. In the middle of the divorce, she was diagnosed with terminal illness and was only given a few months to live. All this time, we, her children have looked after her. I took her to her appointments and we paid for the treatment by taking loans.

We didn’t ask our father for money, even though he was willing to cover the expenses. Legally, at the time of her death she was still married to my father. During her last days, my father had to move to another city to be there for his daughter’s birth.

My uncle made a facebook post asking for blood donation (she has a rare blood type) and stated that she was critical. When my dad got to know about it, he immediately flew down to our city. When he showed up to the hospital, he was in a bad shape. His clothes were unkempt.

He wanted to see my mother one last time. I told him that there was no use of that as she was unconscious. He begged and cried in front of everyone, I still didn’t allow him to meet her. (The hospital authorities let her family decide who was allowed to visit her) My mother passed away the next morning.

He still didn’t leave and wanted to be there for the funeral and memorial service. We banned him from attending. I believe that he lost the right to see her in her pain when he was the one who caused her immeasurable pain. My buddy tells me that me and (my mother’s family) are the assholes for not letting him see her one last time..

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Daddyless_Princess −  So let me get this straight. Your father cheated on your SAHM with a coworker, knocked her up, and decided to blindside your mother with a divorce and dip out to go be his new family?

And then your mother fell into a horrible depression due to his betrayal and blatant disregard of HER feelings, stopped taking care of herself, discovered she had a terminal illness, and unfortunately passed away from it?

Anyone saying OP is the a**hole needs to re-evaluate their thoughts and realize life isn’t a freaking Hallmark movie. It’s a proven fact that a terrible state of mind can worsen a terminal illness and his father’s betrayal probably had a lot to do with her deterioration during her illness.

He didn’t deserve to see her one last time and “get closure” because he wasn’t worried about any of those things when he was *cheating on his wife* and then living it up with his new family before the divorce was even finalized. He chose his bed and he deserves to *sulk* in it. OP, NTA 100% and no one will ever convince me otherwise.

stephanorga −  NTA if push comes to shove I’m protecting my mother 100% especially if he were to put her through that! Sorry but why should he get the luxury of relief when she died knowing her marriage was not only broken but the only man she loved had a baby! Uhhhu no way!

AQualityKoalaTeacher −  NTA He can’t have his divorce and be a husband, too. There she was, brokenhearted and dying for months, while he played house with the sidepiece and a new baby? There’s zero reason to allow him to barge in with *his* grief, disrupting her last hours.

I hope the divorce was finalized. If not, that means he dragged his feet on the divorce he initiated, because he knew that he’d end up with more money as a widower than he would as a divorcé. If the divorce *wasn’t* finalized, I hope you make sure he gets the full benefits of that via your mom’s medical bills.

DarkMarxSoul −  Going against the grain and saying YTA. What your father did was terrible, I won’t lie. But there is a limit to how far you can go in retaliation against others, and you crossed it. Firstly, your father had no way of knowing when he cheated and then filed for divorce that his wife had a terminal illness and that his actions would expedite that process (if they did).

In my view he can’t be blamed for your mother’s fate even if he can be blamed for being selfish. He didn’t sign up for what happened. Secondly, the illness put your father in a precarious situation given what he did.

After causing your mom so much pain, I would imagine he would have wanted to keep his distance from her while she underwent treatment on the grounds that being around him could have caused your mom even more distress and could have made the situation worse.

He also wasn’t absent from the situation entirely—he offered to foot the bill entire bill for the treatment, which is no small commitment especially if you’re American. He was involved in a way that he could be. Thirdly, the man can hardly be blamed for moving cities.

Whether his new child was conceived in an affair or not, he does still have a responsibility for his partner and especially for his child, the latter of whom didn’t sign up for their life. He isn’t entirely a deadbeat here, his responsibility towards many conflicting parties makes his situation ambiguous and nuanced.

Fourthly, cheaters are terrible but they are human, and sometimes are empathetic to those whom they cheated on. That may be uncomfortable to acknowledge, but not all cheaters are amoral sociopaths who are perfectly selfish and numb to the suffering of the people they cheated on.

If your father’s account is true—if he cheated on your mom because he did the wrong thing after falling in love with another woman, and he still cares about your mom—then facing the death of your mom is an extreme source of trauma. It would have been traumatic even if he had gotten to see her, but now that you denied him his final moments,

you’ve driven the knife further in the wound. Lots of people want to take the attitude that if you cheat on someone you’re automatically evil scum and you can suffer, but in my view there is a line where you go beyond reasonable anger against a cheater and enter into depraved sadism.

Preventing your father from getting closure on someone he loved but wronged before she died crosses that line. I understand why you did it, but you shouldn’t have. It was too far. Edit: Okay that’s it I’m done replying to comments, there are too many and I’m just repeating myself at this point.

soshinysonew −  NTA, he lost the right to be treated as her husband when he cheated and threw her away.

addictedtochips −  NTA – I’m going to go against the grain here, because I TRULY do not blame you for what you did. He caused her a lot of pain, where was he when she wasn’t eating? Or had all of her appointments? Or even prior to her being critical?

No, there was a divorce happening while she was going through a horrible illness. And he was off with his new lover and new family. I do not blame you for the amount of resent you have, and I probably would’ve done the same.

LeonAvem −  NTA. He cheated on the person he was with for almost 3 decades? Before the divorce proceedings were even finished?
And she had no say in anything and thought nothing was wrong? Folks, I don’t know what that is, but it sure as hell isn’t love

[Reddit User] −  NAH- this will likely be unpopular, but your parents’ marriage falling apart, and your mother falling terminally ill are completely unrelated. Life is long. Marriage is hard. People can’t force themselves to stay in love and sometimes things happen.

With that said, I agree with people who say that you shouldn’t let your father see you mom if it would cause her additional stress. I just don’t think he’s TA for wanting to see the mother of his children one last time. This is hard for everyone. Life is messy. You did what you thought was best for your mom, and that’s the best you can do.

Edit: to be clear- I’m not justifying the father cheating, nor am I trying to gloss over all of that. All I’m saying is that he’s not an a**hole for wanting to see the woman who fathered his children before she passes.

No matter what their relationship is now, she is CLEARLY one of, if not the most important and influential people in his life. At the same time, she and her children are all 100% justified in not wanting to see him during this time. Therefore, NAH in my opinion.

toesno −  NTA. Your father cheated, got another woman pregnant, and moved to another city. The latter of which he did knowing his wife and “best friend” was dying. If you believe she wouldn’t have wanted to see him (and you all would know this better than anyone) then you did the right thing. Your father isn’t entitled to being there.

fecundissimus −  NTA. He flew out to assuage his guilty conscience, not for your mother’s benefit. He was the cause of all her heartache and if he cared so much about her, he shouldn’t have cheated on her. Sucks to s**k for him, but his feelings are the absolute last priority at this point.

Your mom’s would obviously be top, but she was unconscious at the the time and they weren’t in contact when she was sick with heartache after the divorce. Next, you and your family’s feelings; y’all are totally justified in not wanting him at the funeral. Next are her friends and any other loved ones, but their feelings really don’t matter.

Then finally, your dad’s feelings, which matter the least of all. Yes, the extremely kind thing would be to let him attend the funeral, but you don’t have to do that and I don’t think you’re wrong for not wanting him there. I don’t think you were wrong in not letting him see her at the hospital since they hadn’t been in contact at that point regardless.

It sucks that he had to learn it this way, but how you treat people matters, and he *should* be ashamed of himself. That’s not on you to fix. He can go to therapy for it if he’s genuinely torn-up about it.

Was the Redditor right to refuse their father a chance to say goodbye, or did they take the situation too far by excluding him from the hospital and funeral? How would you have handled this difficult situation? Share your thoughts below!