AITA for no longer wanting to be civil with his ex-wife?

A Reddit user shares their frustration with their husband’s ex-wife, Tori, who has been increasingly disrespectful and demanding. Over time, Tori has asked for more financial help, disregarded joint decisions, and even undermined their parenting efforts.

Despite trying to keep things civil, the Redditor has had enough and told their husband they no longer want to communicate with her. Is this a reasonable response to constant disrespect, or should they have tried harder to make it work? Read the full story below…

‘ AITA for no longer wanting to be civil with his ex-wife?’

My husband (we will call him James) and his ex wife (we will call her Tori) have been divorced for over 8 years and have 2 children together. 14m and 12m. James and I have been married 3 year together for 5. Tori and her husband have been married 8 years and together about the same.

When James and I got together everything was great between all 4 of us. No issues at all. James introduced me to the kids around 6 or 7 months and I to my son 19. As things progressed everything continued going well. We would do birthdays as a unit, even went to dinner together, celebrated father’s day together, co-parenting was great!

When James and I decided to get married we eloped. We didn’t tell anyone except, however, we did tell Tori as we felt she should know. She congratulated us and thanked me for making him happy and the boys. Again, things were great. A couple years ago Tori and her husband let us know they were going to be looking for a house.

What we weren’t expecting was for them to be moving 80 miles away! Tori told us that since they were making the move and with it being so far, she would start doing more of the driving. Up to then we had done all pick up and drop offs.

When moving time came we offered to help, but instead they just had us come up for a house warming and we had a cookout. It’s a lovely home and the kids all have their own rooms which is great as her husband has 3 kids of his own and they need the space.

This is where things began to change. They moved into the home in the fall. That winter she asked James if we would be able to buy the boys winter clothes for her house because she said that things had been tight around there and there was no way they would be able to otherwise.

We said we would and went out and spent roughly $300 on clothes and new coats. When we brought it to her at the exchange on Sunday she told us thanks that with all we bought she could return the couple things she got over the weekend and get her money back. I was taken aback and kind of mindblown.

She told us she couldn’t, then did, then said she would return what she bought to get her money back instead of giving us that opportunity and sharing the expense. What irritated me was I had already bought all of the boys Christmas, but hadn’t gotten anything for my son yet,

my husband, or our parents and that extra money was part of our christmas money. She started calling James every time something went wrong with her vehicle (he’s a mechanic) and asking him to come fix her vehicle because their kids ride in it so he needs to fix it. If he doesn’t answer the phone when she calls, she sends him a hateful text.

If he calls her, she almost never answers. Even when we have the kids and it may be an emergency. She started asking that we pay for their school fees and school supplies when we would split the cost before.

She asked if we would help pay for school lunches and we said yes we could help and she has not paid anything towards their lunches in over 2 years. Mind you James pays child support and the kids are on his health insurance.

Every time the kids are not in school, they are with us. Holidays, vacations from school, summer break, spring break, you name it. They are with us, but she has has been telling people she has to do everything all on her own.

She tells James he needs to “step it up” and “be a father”, but he is a great dad. He has told me before that this is how she was when they were married. That she would talk down to him ans belittle him, but I never believed it, but I see it for myself.

Both kids are failing multiple classes in school and we spend majority of the time they are here with us doing makeup work/ their missing assignments because she doesn’t check to make sure they are getting it done.

The teachers reach out to me and send me their assignments and have told me that they have tried reaching out to their mom, but that she either gives them aggresive responses or doesn’t respond at all. I feel like ever since they moved they have gotten in way over their heads and she has is taking it out on everyone else.

She tells James all the time during exchanges that she is going to leave her husband and calls him all kind of hateful names, but then is lovey dovey. This is every other month anymore.

She changed her Facebook to single even though they are very much married and she talks crap about him on it knowing he can’t see it because she has his phone locked down with family link. She blocked apps and locks his phone like a child, but won’t monitor the kids access to things they shouldn’t be seeing.

We have had to put restrictions on their devices and even the school contacted her about things and CPS got involved because inappropriate s**ual things were being said and they were concerned. When we try to talk to her about the kids, she downplay everything.

Any concerns we have, we shouldn’t be worried. The oldest took off in the middle of the night and was walking the highway to his friends house and the cops brought him home and she wasn’t the least bit concerned. He got in trouble 2 days in a row at school for stealing food. once was from a fellow students lunch box.

She wasn’t concerned. The only time anything upsets her is when it 1. involves money or 2. when cps got called. When we discussed switching the boys schools to one more suited for their needs, we had all agreed to it (husband has joint decision making).

When it came time to enroll the boys in school she re-enrolled them in the same school they were having a lot of problems in. When James asked why she said she changed her mind and that if they didn’t do better this year she would home school them. Both kids have IEP’S and she can’t even make sure they do their work now!

How can she make sure she does online school when she is at work??? Oldest was to take a trip over the summer and husband said cancel it because he doesn’t deserve to go. He failed majority of his classes, had stolen money from his grandparents, got in trouble for being defiant at home on many occasions,

bottom line he didn’t deserve to go. She said no he was still going. Now oldest is failing multiple classes, not doing school work, gotten into a lot of trouble at home and school, wanted to do an extra curricular. James said no. Tori agreed. Found out today she signed him up anyway.

I’m over it. She tells people that she co-parents so well and blah blah blah. No. No she doesn’t. She does what she wants to do. She doesn’t care what James says or how he feels about anything or what his opinion is.

She calls us both names around the kids and talks crap about us and her husband does as well when we have been defending them this whole time. I finally told my husband I’ve had it and I am no longer going to communicate with her. I can’t.

She is disrespectful, rude, expects us to pick up her slack because of her and her husband’s poor financial decisions when we aren’t living the high life ourselves. we still do all the driving, make all the sacrifices, and she treats him like her personal b**ch just because they have kids together.

Her husband’s kids haven’t come to see him since December 2022 and they said it is because of her. I have TRIED to be nice and I have kept my cool and my mouth shut long enough.

I know i have missed things and left out SO much, but this is already a long post. So AITA for counting my days until both kids are 18 and then wanting to speak my mind? Or am I justified for wanting to lose it on this person?.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

epiphanomaly −  My first question is, have you checked in that these kids are getting their basic needs met? Stealing food could be typical high school age assholery, but I wouldn’t leap to that until I was extremely certain this kid isn’t just, ya know, hungry.

To me, it sounds like these kids are most likely struggling with an unstable environment. I would have a LOT of concerns about their home life with Tori.  Did purchasing the home leave them strapped for cash? This theory would be supported by her needing to rely on her ex to keep her car running.

Please try talking to these kids to try to get a better idea of what’s going on.  High school sucks for many kids, so it might not be anything in particular, but I’m guessing their mom & step dad are struggling both financially and in their marriage, and the kids are struggling because of it.

bino0526 −  She’s using you all. Stop allowing her to get over on you all. If possible, have the custody agreement modified or file for full custody. Document the incidents such as them failing in school and other issues.. Updateme

EqualSwan614 −  Every single one of you adults s**k. Why hasnt your husband gone for physical custody? He’s just as much their parent and should be stepping in and petitioning the court for full physical custody.

Seriously, the oldest has already gotten into trouble and could have been seriously injured on that road at night. These kids have medical needs too given the IEP mention. Yeah, your husband does need to step up and be a better father.

He needs to get a lawyer tomorrow and put a heck of a lot more effort into his kids than into his relationship with his ex. I hear about how great it all is that you get along and her house has all these rooms but its not great for the kids obviously. What selfish adults.

AlwaysHelpful22 −  You’re stuck with having her in your life for another 6 years. Pace yourself. NTA

Icy_Hovercraft_6209 −  NTA. This woman is playing games with you both. You need to set some very clear boundaries. It is going to get n**ty. Unless that is, she’s waiting for you guys to put your foot down. Stop letting her treat you like rubbish.

Total_Vegetable_2246 −  These are the behaviors of children who are desperate and need help. Home is not a safe place for them. Their needs aren’t being met. ESH except the kids…and all of you are failing them.

Start listening to them and asking WHY this stuff is happening. Make sure they know you are a safe space and then BE that safe space.
Your husband absolutely needs to step up and be a parent. Because from what you’ve described, all either of you has done is get angry instead of looking deeper at the whys of the change in behavior.

Rowana133 −  NTA, but start collecting evidence to go back to court for full custody. No way should this woman have equal custody. She’s an every other weekend or 1x a month kind of mom.

LuminousVibe6 −  **Y**ou’re NTA. It’s understandable that you’re frustrated with Tori’s behavior. She seems to be taking advantage of your kindness and using your family as a s**pegoat for her own problems.

It’s important to prioritize your own mental health and well-being. If continuing to interact with her is causing you stress and anxiety, it’s okay to limit your contact.You could try setting firmer boundaries and communicating your concerns directly to James.

Perhaps he can have a more candid conversation with Tori about her behavior and its impact on the children.Remember, you don’t have to tolerate disrespectful behavior. It’s okay to distance yourself from toxic people.

Specific_Anxiety_343 −  NTA. Have you and your husband considered seeking full custody?

MamiZN −  Y’all need to stop enabling her bitchy behavior, why can’t you take her to court for full custody? By the look of thing James is paying for everything.

Do you think the Redditor is justified in cutting ties with her husband’s ex-wife due to her behavior, or should she have kept trying to make the co-parenting relationship work? How would you handle a similar situation? Share your thoughts below!