AITA for making my younger brother the sole beneficiary to everything I had started prior to marriage?

A Redditor facing a recent cancer diagnosis shared a dilemma about their estate planning. Married for 22 years with two children, the user also has a non-verbal brother on the autism spectrum who has been under their care.

The Redditor wants to make their brother the sole beneficiary of the real estate and portfolio they owned before marriage, leaving their wife with shared assets and a life insurance policy. However, the wife is not pleased with this decision, leading to a tense situation between them.

 

‘ AITA for making my younger brother the sole beneficiary to everything I had started prior to marriage?’

I have been married for 22 years, unfortunately I was recently diagnosed with cancer, we caught it early and my prognosis is good, but you never know so I am getting things in order just in case.

Now my wife and I have two beautiful children, and I have made sure they will be well taken care of. They have a decent amount saved for college, we a well funded savings, and both my wife and I have well paying careers.

My younger brother is non verbal on the spectrum. I have been supporting him since I started to work, and being as our parents are gone–covid and b**ast cancer–I am all he has. My logic is as follows my wife has a stable career that makes good money, and she has everything we amassed together such as the house, my retirement plan and stuff.

One of my hobbies is real-estate so I do own a modest amount of property and rental units. I wish to leave all of that in a trust with my younger brother as the sole beneficiary, I also wish to leave him my portfolio. With all of that he will be well taken care of.

My wife is not exactly pleased with this idea. I have done my best to explain my reasoning, and told her God forbid if anything where to happen to me I want all the people I love to be well taken care of.

Yes, in the grand scheme my brother will make out better in terms of monthly income, but my wife and kids 100% will be getting my life insurance policy which is not a small amount either, enough for her in theory to live very comfortably while also giving a large sum to each of our children.

So am I the a**hole in this case? My wife said some harsh things, which got me thinking not sure if she meant them or not given the possibility of the situation but yeah. She asked for space, so here I am on reddit.

Edit: Forgot to add that a third party firm will be the one that would manage the estate and wellbeing of my brother. My wife has the option to take part if she does desire but overall even if she does take part I did make it clear the objective would be to keep my brother engaged and part a community for as long as humanly possible.

Their fee’s will be drawn from the estate at a set rate, and I trust them completely. So overall she can have input but final say does not fall in lines with her. Also in the event when my brother does pass the order it will fall to is my wife if she is no longer alive then it goes to my children.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Gladtobealive2020 −  YTA.Your wife may have a good income now but that may not always be the case.  Why not leave everything to a trust and.split according to expenses.  Your wife and kids are 3 people with expenses from 3.people.

Your brother is only one person so i fail to understand why you would leave him with more monthly income than your WIFE and KIDS.  You said your brother doesnt have anyone to help him, does your wife? 

 Honestly, if i were married to you and you told me you were leaving your brother more monthly income than me and our kids, i would be so hurt im not sure i would be able to continue forward with the marriage.  

Your wife is the one who has been by your side 22 yrs, she will  be the one to help you and share in the hardships of your cancer, but you think your brother is more deserving of your financial support after you are gone.  Do you hate your wife?    

 Also if you are in the US your brother should qualify for Social security and medicare and without having a home or car his expenses would be vastly less than a wife and 2 kids so i cannot fathom why you leave him with a lot more financial support than your wife and kids.  That is just wrong, imo.
Edit added because i think some people misunderstood my comment.

Yes i understand you arent leaving wife & kids  penniless.  But you said you are leaving  brother more than your wife and 2 kids combined, and  their income per month would be less for 3 people than for one. You are  counting on things always remaining as they are now with wife and kids healthy, but life has a way of changing things in the blink of an eye.

 i think this setup only guarantees one person, your brother,  a high standard of care, not all 3 people should something catastrophic happen to any one of them (early onset Alzheimer’s, a car accident at the hands of a drunk driver, a college hazing  accident, medical mistake, anything can happen.) early Alzheimer’s unit, schizophrenia unit can cost as much as 12K a month.

I am not advocating your brother have nothing but rather for you to make provisions for “worse case scenario” for your wife and kids as well as your brother, so all can benefit from a high level of care should they need it, by not assigning the bulk of your estate to your brother but by putting every in a central trust and paying out based upon expenses, medical needs, and cost of day to day living.

Key-Twist596 −  YTA mostly for not discussing it with her and instead presenting it all as a final position. I’d be incredibly hurt if my financial future was decided without me by the person I’d been married to for 22 years.

You could still make the final decision but why didn’t you have the conversation first? You’d get to hear your wife’s opinions, see what concerns she had, and maybe she’d have some good ideas that you hadn’t thought of. 

She must be feeling quite upset at your diagnosis, vulnerable about the potential future without you, and then just told what would happen to your assets without any input from her.

ConsultingStartupEU −  YTA. You cannot seriously think you’re not an a**hole here dude… split it between your brother AND wife + kids, don’t give him everything, it’s not fair to the woman that’s been at your side for 22 years. And how dare you start with the “I bought it before marriage” thing, that s**t is valid if it’s a girlfriend or a new marriage but 22 years? Don’t go there…

PhysicsTeachMom −  I went from earning over double what husband does to having to quit due to medical issues. Luckily, I have a VA disability, so we’ll be okay. Have you considered what would happen if your wife or one of your kids becomes disabled and your wife was not able to work? What if they need long-term care? What if your wife passed away after you but before your kids were independent. Would they still be okay?

Dittoheadforever −  I’d have to say you’re NTA. You’re planning for the care of your brother, who has no one else to be his voice.Yes, in the grand scheme my brother will make out better in terms of monthly income. That may sound bad on the surface, but assuming he is (or will be) in a residential care facility, those places are not cheap and it would probably cost a huge chunk of that to keep him there.

A) I know how my wife feels about the care I provide for my brother.
Sounds like something going on aside from this money issue. Does she resent the time and money you spend cating doe your brother?

B) I know how she is as a person, and I know while she would look out for my brother I also know she will do what is most convenient for her while still taking care of my brother.
Might we infer that she would send him to some state funded facility and eventually wash her hands of him?

Leigeofgoblins −  NTA, it sounds like you’ve been incredibly fair and kind. I’m of the opinion that if something is wholly yours, you should be allowed to do what you want with it. It does concern me that your wife is mad about you taking care of your younger brother.

Perhaps it’s come across worse than intended but it doesn’t sound very empathetic and could come across as quite callous and greedy depending on what exactly was said and what she expects you to set aside for your brother Vs the rest of your family.

Its_Big_Fungus −  YTA. The issue is not that you’re caring for your brother. That’s reasonable. The issue is that you are f**king over your wife and kids to do it, and you KNOW that you are. You state you have a “modest amount of property and rental units.

” Why then does it ALL have to go to your brother’s care? Why can’t you provide one or two units to your wife and kids to give them some passive income and make their lives easier, and leave the rest to your brother?

history_buff_9971 −  Little more info needed – were the properties purchased with solely your own money, or did it come from joint funds? Did you do them up yourselves (ie did she put any labour into them?). If the properties are solely from your own funds and she’s never had anything to do with them then I’d say NTA. If your wife has been involved in them then YTA.

I’d also encourage you to talk to your wife, in situations like this, what she’s angry about may not be what you think she’s angry about. In short, a common reaction, our of fear and grief (premature) is that people become angry with the person who is sick.

It’s irrational and it comes from a place of fear. Fear, that even with a good prognosis she may lose you. She may be channeling her anger about your illness into this, because it’s easier to be angry with someone for making a financial decision she doesn’t agree with than being angry with them for being sick.

And you estate planning maybe makes it feel all the more real to her. If that’s the case, encourage her to talk about her fears, and you can share your own. I’m not saying it is that, but I’m saying it could be.

Puppiesmommy −  YTA Your brother is probably on Medicaid. If/when he gets this money, **HE** won’t get it, it will go to pay back Medicaid and he will lose his benefits. Speak with an attorney who deals with Special Needs Trusts. And stop putting your wife at the bottom of the pile.

shesaidiwannagohome −  YTA. You have kids. Once you have kids, they are the priority. Not your parents, not your dog, and NOT your brother. You made these people and you need to be prioritizing them.