AITA for making a Christmas anti-list?

A woman created an “anti-list” of items she doesn’t want for Christmas—such as socks, Funko Pops, and decorative items—alongside her wishlist, to avoid unwanted clutter.

Her mom was upset by this approach, feeling it’s ungrateful and lacks holiday spirit, even though other family members found it helpful and added their own anti-lists. Now she’s wondering if her attempt to be practical about gifts makes her ungrateful or if it’s an understandable preference. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for making a Christmas anti-list?’

I (33F) admit I am difficult to buy gifts for. I really don’t want more things than I have, I have so much stuff and nowhere to put it as it is (a recent move really opened my eyes to this). Plus, I’m financially stable enough and have cheap enough hobbies that I can usually just buy myself something when I want it.

That brings us to a recent issue with my mother. She asked a couple weeks ago for everyone in the family to start our Christmas lists so she can get started on her Christmas shopping (yeah, she starts very early).

This is all done on a google doc that’s shared with the family, and then people will message around to talk about who is getting what so we’re not accidentally buying the same thing for each other. Like an informal registry I guess. I couldn’t think of much I wanted.

I asked for some tickets to sports games, silly and non-mass produced tchotchkes, scented candles, and gift cards to a few restaurants. While trying to come up with ideas for things, mostly I just kept dreading all the sorts of things I usually get for Christmas then have to find a place for.

I decided to include a list of things not to buy me, figuring that might be as helpful as a list of things I do want. On the list I put things like “fun” socks, funko pops, anything I have to assemble aka “Merry Christmas, I got you a chore you have to do now”, throw blankets, jewelry, throw pillows, decorations, etc.

I intended to go back and add more things I *do* want later, but the day after I made the anti-list my mom called asking why I did that and complaining that I never like the gifts she gives me.

I have told her in the past I don’t want these things and she’ll remember for a year then buy me a pair of slipper socks the next which then join the four other pairs I already don’t wear. I pointed this out and she complained about how hard it is to buy me gifts and that just getting me gift cards is boring.

She said I’m just going to end up with a bunch of candles then complain about that next year. I told her that was just all I could think of in the moment and I’d add more stuff if I thought of it.

She thinks it’s negative to have the anti-list and wants to delete it *but…* my brother and his wife have both made anti-lists now, so have an uncle and a cousin. My brother also joked about a secret anti-list for their kids to avoid getting terribly messy or noisy toys.

Others are split, some don’t care, some people think it’s helpful, others agree that it’s negative and not in the Christmas spirit. My mom seems to be the main person against it, probably because she has bought me at least three of everything on the anti-list except jewelry and feels like I’m embarrassing her.

I guess I just want an outside opinion on if this is an okay thing I’ve done or if I’m an ungrateful a**hole.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Excellent-Count4009 −  NTA Have you tried the “please donate in my name to …” approach? “I will open my gifts at home later” also helps.

Stranger0nReddit −  eh, NAH I guess. I think indicating things you *don’t* want will be seen as helpful to some and ungrateful to others. You may have been better off using that energy to come up with more practical gift ideas to add to your list.

Whether that’s toiletries you use on a regular basis, your favorite snacks, fire extinguisher, etc. Stuff that you would find useful. Heck, my sister’s list last year had batteries and light bulbs on it, lol.

Coast-Prestigious −  YTA – not for the list but the way you framed it. You could have just said you have enough of these things and don’t need anymore – that way you didn’t make your mother feel bad for buying them previously and look a little more grateful.

Also you literally wrote the list you wanted but frame. It in an “I’m so misunderstood, I’m not like other teens” and then write a post here? I mean it’s all a bit much.

Next-Lingonberry5020 −  My mom seems to be the main person against it, probably because she has bought me at least three of everything on the anti-list except jewelry and feels like I’m embarrassing her.YTA for this part specifically. It’s understandable to struggle with coming up with your own gifts;

it’s understandable to not want more clutter; honestly, the idea of an “anti-list” is even helpful in some cases, like parents asking to avoid excessively noisy or messy toys, or somebody asking gifters to stay away from certain scents or allergens.

But your mom doesn’t “feel like” you’re embarrassing her – you _are_ embarrassing her. Your mom clearly loves giving gifts and wants to give good ones, hence the list and the fact that she’s urging you to start adding things in October.

Sure, there’s an argument to be made that the list is a little weird at your family’s ages. But she asked you to give her a list of things she can buy for you, because this is clearly special for her, and instead you wrote in this document – shared, for your whole family to see – that you haven’t liked or wanted any of the things she’s picked out for you in the past, and the kind intentions just annoyed you.

However the rest of your family is taking it, your mom is probably mortified. You don’t have to like the gifts, but the ingratitude towards the _sentiment_, and the choice to humiliate her in a semi-public forum rather than risk getting socks, is a**hole behavior.

LadyTanizaki −  NAH but… It sounds like your mom isn’t hearing you talk enough about the fact that you have everything you need. I don’t know if that’s because she hasn’t listened enough (which makes her an A), or if you might also want to talk about it more.

It also sounds like what she’s doing is buying you presents that make her think of you, or make her think you’d smile, or made her smile to buy for you. I think her emotional impulses are good, even if you feel like you’re getting more ‘stuff’ you don’t want.

Advice you probably don’t want, but could you go shopping with her more often so you point out things you DO like and can be explicitly poo-pooing things you don’t? That way in the future it’s not a public list and she doesn’t feel shamed but she has a clearer idea of what you don’t need?

And is there any fancy-type food or spices or something you maybe don’t want but would use? Something that she would feel is “special” without being something you’d look on as taking up more room? This is what I’ve defaulted to giving my dad because the dude is in the same situation you’re in with his life, hobbies, and stuff.

Chemical_Biscotti_64 −  We don’t have an anti list but we have agreed to do experience things for Christmas like plays concert or escape room it works well.

Masta-Blasta −  NTA but honestly, why not just make the list? You basically did here in this very comment. Gift cards, candles, sports tickets… is it that hard to just leave it there? I do think anti-lists make a lot of sense for parents though. Either way, you’re not an AH for an anti-list and your mom is a little dramatic for making it into a whole issue.

Lady-Nara −  Very soft YTA. It sounds to me like your mother’s love language is gifts, something I can sympathize with a lot. There is nothing I enjoy more than trying to find the perfect gift or gifts for the people I love.

That usually ends up in me going way overboard at Christmas and yes knowing what you don’t need is useful too. (Please don’t get my kids Legos they don’t play with them). But there there can be a nicer way to put this and an explanation, so for example.

“Please don’t get me socks, I live barefoot most of the time and never wear them.” Or “I already have all the lovely throw pillows and blankets I need!” Also, if your anti-list is longer than your pro-list and many items seem familiar I can get how it can seem a bit like cold water being thrown on you.

Inevitable_Land_3608 −  Idk if anyones really in the wrong but I will say I wouldn’t want to take part in any Christmas where people are making lists and/or ant-lists

Is an anti-list practical or does it dampen the holiday spirit? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!