AITA for leaving in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner because of pumpkin pie?

A Reddit user shares a Thanksgiving tale of family tension, where a dessert disagreement over pumpkin pie escalated into a heated moment. Feeling slighted by her mother’s critique of her life choices and dessert contributions, the user made a dramatic exit, leaving family members divided on whether her actions were justified. Read the full story below to see how it unfolded!

‘ AITA for leaving in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner because of pumpkin pie?’

My (32f) Mother (60f) hosts Thanksgiving dinner at her house every year. It’s a small event, with my parents, me, my brothers family and my SILs family attending. We avoid family quarrels by implementing a strict “no politics” rule and trying our best to be civil. I should probably mention that we are not a particularly close-knit family.

We rarely see each other beyond these events since my Brother lives in South Africa and I travel a lot due to my work. Thanksgiving is important to my mom since it’s one of the rare times we’re all together.

Anyway, the main problem I have with my mother is her constant critique of me. She has a habit of making passive-aggressive comments about my life choices, from my career to my lack of children to the way I dress. I’ve addressed this with her multiple times, but she doesn’t really seem aware of it. My father claims it is just her way of fussing and expressing that she cares.

It does hurt though, because my brother is never criticised in the same manner. I cannot entirely fault her for her criticism, since I did majorly mess up my life a few months ago (depression) and it has affected her opinion of me negatively. It does not excuse the way I acted, but I just wanted to explain why I left. By the time we finished dinner, I was a bit prickly because of some of her commentary.

I made a cake for dessert. I was explicitly put in charge of it and no one specified what exactly I should make, so I opted for Maple Cheesecake. I did my best and I think it looked okay. Mum normally makes pumpkin pie, but I really hate pumpkins (they make me gag), so I thought perhaps we could try something new.

As I was bringing out the cheesecake, my mom eyed it somewhat warily and announced that she’d decided to make the usual pie as well. This caught me off guard. I asked why she didn’t tell me beforehand, and she said something like, “Well, we figured you’d do your own thing, so I thought it was best to have a backup.” She went on to cut the pie and serve it to everyone, instructing me to leave the cheesecake in the kitchen.

When someone asked to try my dessert, she said “lets not mix too many flavors at once,” which just felt passive-aggressive. I know it’s immature for an adult to get this upset over a triviality, but I just (politely) refused as she was handing me a slice of pie, retrieved my coat and left.

People were calling after me I think, but by that point I was crying for some reason and it would have been too humiliating to have an emotional outburst in front of everyone for no real reason.

My mom just texted me saying that it was incredibly rude and immature of me to leave like that, especially on Thanksgiving. My brother also sent me a message saying Im acting irrationally. I feel horrible for leaving so abruptly, especially because my parents are getting older and we are already not close. Something about my mother seems to turn me into a n**rotic teenager and I hate it.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

kurokomainu −  NTA if your mother’s way of “fussing and expressing that she cares” looks, sounds, and feels like she’s being a deliberately n**ty person then I’m guessing she is really just being a deliberately n**ty person. Walks like a duck and all that. I’d tell your father this.

Your mother premeditated the whole dessert thing right down to the kick in the teeth of excluding the dessert you made from the table. She got off on being cruel in this petty way for whatever warped reason. This kind of thing is no accident and not care in any way.

Golden boy brother can’t see it because he is never the target. Dad is trying to see it through the best possible lens. Your mother won’t admit to herself what she is really doing even as she deliberately does it. Their blindness doesn’t mean she isn’t doing it.

jphistory −  NTA. Your mom is the wooorst, like seriously the worst. God forbid anyone eat and then compliment your cheesecake! You were not crying for some reason, you were crying for valid reasons. You were not behaving irrationally, you were reacting with perfect rationality given your circumstances.

Maybe take off the rest of the holidays and give yourself some grace? Or spend them with a friend or family member that doesn’t treat you like an inconvenience? From one black sheep to another: you deserve way better.

splinter2424 −  Couple things here. 1. YOU didnt mess up your life. Depression did. Dont blame yourself for things out of your control. If your mother’s opinion of you is affected negatively by depression, instead of her trying to help you through it, then your mom sucks.

2. Telling you that you are in charge of dessert, then having a backup dessert is cruel. If she wanted pie, she should have said “Please bring pie” or “Please bring a dessert, I will also have pie”. She set you up to fail and then acted like a child by hiding your dessert and not even letting people try it. Strike 2 against your mom.

3. Texting and telling you that you were rude and not even acknowledging her behaviour is so narcissistic. If this was your best friend telling you that it was her mom doing this to her, what would your advice be? Mine would be to write a letter to your mother with details and dates to back it up. Let her know you need space and sign it “I hope you can reflect, signed your daughter.” Please take care of your mental health, because your mother doesnt have your best interest at heart.

lilylady −  NTA – You’re not close for good reason. Your mom can’t even be nice and civil for one evening. Next year decline the invite. We usually have several kinds of dessert for our holiday meals. Maple and pumpkin go great together. I’ve had keylime pie and chocolate silk pie at the same time without any issue. Your mother was just being unkind on purpose to undermine you.

You did the right thing by leaving when you felt like you could take no more. You don’t need to reply to those texts. They didn’t ask a question to reply to. They didn’t offer an apology to accept or decline. So what would you need to reply to? Ignore it and go on with your best life. You deserve peace and kindness at the holidays as much as anyone… your family isn’t bringing that. So have Thanksgiving with a friend next year.

Bunny_Bixler99 −  Serious question: why do you feel it’s OK to sublimate your well-being for people that don’t even care for you?   It sounds like the annual get together is “important” only to your mother. After three decades of your mother’s abuse, it’s OK to let them go.  . NTA.

StAlvis −  NTA. You were **explicitly in charge of** dessert. Also: maple cheesecake sounds *f**king delicious*.

FishScrumptious −  “Mom, it was incredibly rude to ask me to bring dessert, then tell me that you planned for me to s**ew up, then refused to serve my dessert even when someone else asked for it. That was atrocious host behavior, and I’m just done with accepting such absolute hogswill. I deserve better, regardless of how you judge me, hence I expect better.”. NTA.
And feel free to not holiday with them again.

Regular_Boot_3540 −  NTA. It was a power play to leave your cheesecake in the kitchen. At our Thanksgivings, we have two or three desserts, they all get cut up, and everybody gets to choose what they want. Most try at least two out of three.

I usually make pecan pie, and every year my SIL’s MIL says “I don’t like pecan pie,” which annoys me, because I remember from all the other times she said it! Anyway, I’m just saying there are more inclusive ways to approach multiple desserts. Also it’s not your fault that you’ve been depressed!

Famous_Specialist_44 −  Your mother was rude. . You left as a result. Doesn’t sound like you will miss much tlc or emotional support so just not bothering with them for the time being seems a winner of a no effort involved strategy. I would’ve eaten your cheesecake…sounds nice.. NTA 

Senator_Bink −  She said “lets not mix too many flavors at once,” Because *everything* in the dinner was turkey-flavored, right? WTH is she on about? She loves these gatherings because it gives her a chance to be festively s**tty to you. NTA. There’s no need to put up with her s**t.