AITA for implementing a “you cook you clean rule” and leaving her to clean up her dishes after she made pasta ?

A husband has established a “you cook, you clean” rule with his wife to address the imbalance in kitchen cleanup. He finds that while he keeps the mess minimal when cooking, his wife uses many dishes for her elaborate meals, leaving a significant mess for him to clean.

After previously discussing the issue, he decides not to clean up after her cooking anymore. When she makes homemade pasta and doesn’t clean up, he refuses her request to do so, leading to a heated argument when she wakes up to a messy kitchen. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for implementing a “you cook you clean rule” and leaving her to clean up her dishes after she made pasta ?’

My wife and I switch off cooking, both of us cook twice a week and the days neither of us cook it’s a leftover night or takeout. We used to have the person that didn’t cook do the dishes after the meals. I clean as a cook, so when it is my night there are very few dishes for her to clean up.

When she cooks, I swear she uses almost every single dish or pot for her meals. It is a disaster in the kitchen and takes me a long time to clean the whole thing up. I have had conversations before about this and have asked her to clean as she goes to reduce then mess.

She refuses and claims that is just what happens because she likes to make elaborate meals. She does make more elaborate meals than me and spends a while in the kitchen. I prefer to make more simples meals like stir fry. I brought up last thursday that I won’t clean up after her cooking anymore.

She left a huge mess and I was over it. That I will clean up my dinners and she can clean up hers. On Saturday ( my cooking night) I made beef tips over noddles and cleaned it all up.Sunday was her cooking night and she made homemade pasta and red pepper sauce.

We ate and she didn’t clean up her mess, and later the night she asked me to clean it up I told her no and reminded her what I told her and pointed out I cleaned my stuff up.
This bring me to this morning, I didn’t do the dishes and when she woke up, there wasn’t much room for her to make her coffee and breakfast. She pissed I didn’t clean it up.

We got in a huge argument before I left for work. .She thinks I am a huge a**hole so I am asking for an outside opinion

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Kaynico −  NTA. It isnt that her meals are more elaborate, it’s that she isn’t cleaning anything as she goes so it all piles up.  The division of labor isn’t anywhere near even.
If she doesn’t want to clean as much, she can use less dishes or clown as she goes.  She’s picking what meals she wants to cook, so she’s picking how much mess to make.

gordonf23 −  I go back and forth on this, but I’m going to go with NTA. You DID have conversations about this, so this didn’t come out of the blue. And she wasn’t willing to clean as she goes the way you do, and instead she said, “This is just what happens when I cook.”

And just because it’s a system you’d agreed to previously doesn’t mean you’re not e**itled to change your mind later when you realize how unfairly it works out for you. And it isn’t fair that she has nothing to clean up after you cook (because you clean it all up as you go) and you have a lot to clean after she cooks.

You’re already cleaning up twice a week (ie. the nights you cook) so it’s only reasonable that she also clean up twice a week, when she’s cooking.

Ok_Homework_7621 −  NTA. I prefer the “you cook, you clean” to “one cooks, the other cleans” precisely because you make a mess for yourself only, so if somebody cleans as they cook, they are done faster. And everybody gets days when they have nothing to do in the kitchen, which is always nice.

MaggieLuisa −  NTA. We have the same issue the other way around at my place; my husband could use six saucepans and a wok to make buttered toast, and he leaves stuff everywhere. We take turns doing the dishes, regardless of who cooked.

OriginalCinna −  My partner and I have a very similar problem; he tends to clean as he goes, where as I make a mess but don’t clean up til afterwards. We’re lucky though; we have a dishwasher. Problem is he’s terrible at stacking it, so I have him empty instead

That being said, it’s give and take. Sometimes I’ll cook, do the dishes and clean the entire kitchen, other times he will, more often than not we body double. I think that may be the best option; cook AND clean together so you get the best of both worlds. You prep and tidy, she cooks and finishes the cleaning.. Win win!

MissAuroraRed −  NTA You tried to talk to her and she’s not been receptive. I can understand why you’re trying to take the situation into your own hands. However, you can’t just let the kitchen devolve into chaos in a test of willpower between you two. It’s not healthy for your marriage and it’ll ruin your poor blender.

You two need a serious sit-down conversation where you work together to find a solution. The original arrangement isn’t working for you anymore, but this arrangement is not working either. Remember that it’s “both of you vs. the problem,” not “you vs her.”

It’s not going to work if you decide on a new arrangement by yourself and then forcefully impose it on her. You need to agree on a new solution *together.*

mackeyca87 −  NTA- I HATE when people cook and leave a big mess, Clean while you go. While the sauce is simmering wash some of your dishes, wipe down the counters put stuff away. My husband and I both clean as we go.

StoicComeLately −  **ESH** – That’s a gentle, ESH. You guys just need to figure out what works. But in the meantime, neither of you has a very collaborative approach. My partner and I found a good groove. We take turns cooking as you do, but I’ll help him while he cooks and vice versa.

Then we work together for cleanup. Our general rule is whoever didn’t cook will do most of the cleaning up, but the other will help. So it’s like this:
Day 1: I cook, he helps. He cleans up, I help.
Day 2: He cooks, I help. I clean up, he helps.

This way, it’s always cooperative and supportive and not “Well that’s YOUR job.”

wasndas2 −  The frustration with her leaving a huge mess is understandable, but you can’t unilaterally decide to change rules that you seemingly have been living with for quite some time and expect no pushback. ESH tbh.

Mikeburlywurly1 −  NTA. Man I feel like I could’ve written this myself. My girlfriend was the exact same way when we started dating. There wouldn’t be an empty or clean surface left in the kitchen after she made a meal.

Every dish, pan, and utensil was just completely disgusting and had been solidifying since it was used because she didn’t rinse a single thing when she was done with it. Some nights I couldn’t even get everything in the dishwasher. I rinse stuff as I finish and generally put things directly into the dishwasher.

After dinner cleanup for me consists of the plates and utensils used for eating, one or two other things in the kitchen, and a quick wipe-down of the surfaces. I didn’t directly change the rules the way you’re doing personally.

I did regularly ask her to stop using so many dishes and to rinse/put items directly in the dishwasher when she was done with them, to little effect. But I started just cleaning up my own stuff after dinner too and not giving her an opportunity.

She quickly started feeling guilty seeing me cleaning up every meal and started helping out with her own meal clean-up, and once she started doing that she began making a better effort to not destroy the kitchen with every meal. That might not work for you though, as you mentioned she didn’t seem to remember you doing your own clean up.

Elaborate meals aren’t an excuse for this kind of behavior, for two main reasons. First, I started making more elaborate meals after we began dating, since she wanted that. I still don’t nuke my kitchen when I do it, it’s just outright unnecessary. I don’t care how fancy your cooking is, you can exercise some discipline and not make a huge mess – skill issue.

Second, nutritious meals are a couple/household responsibility; elaborate meals are a hobby. If you enjoy cooking and like doing all that, cool, do you, but cleaning up your own mess is part of that.

My dad loves woodworking and enjoys making all kinds of cool and/or useful stuff for my mother and I – he doesn’t send us to clean up his woodshop when he’s done. 

Is the husband justified in implementing this rule, or should he help out regardless? Share your thoughts in the comments!