AITA for disowning my brother when he came out as gay, because of how he’s treating his wife?
A 21-year-old woman is struggling with her brother’s recent coming out as gay. While she supports his s**uality, she cannot condone his actions towards his wife, whom he kicked out of their home after confessing to infidelity. He has since been distant from their children and has publicly blamed her for the separation. She has cut him out of her life, but her family is divided on whether she’s being too harsh or is in the wrong. Read the full story below.
‘ AITA for disowning my brother when he came out as gay, because of how he’s treating his wife?’
This situation highlights the importance of separating support for LGBTQ+ individuals from condoning harmful behavior, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.
Dr. Caitlin Ryan, a clinical social worker and expert on LGBTQ+ family acceptance, emphasizes the importance of unconditional love and support for LGBTQ+ individuals, while also acknowledging that “Coming out doesn’t give anyone a free pass to hurt others or avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Healthy relationships, regardless of sexual orientation, are built on mutual respect, honesty, and accountability.”
In this case, the brother’s decision to come out as gay is a significant step in his personal journey, but his subsequent actions towards his wife and children are unacceptable. Dr. Ryan notes that “Infidelity, abandonment, and public defamation are harmful behaviors that can have devastating consequences on families and relationships. It’s crucial for individuals to take responsibility for their actions and seek to repair the harm they have caused, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity.”
Furthermore, the brother’s attempt to deflect blame and portray himself as the victim by accusing OP of homophobia is a manipulative tactic that undermines genuine dialogue and accountability.
Dr. Ryan suggests that “Open and honest communication is essential for navigating challenging family dynamics, especially when it comes to LGBTQ+ issues. Accusing others of homophobia or bigotry to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions is not only unfair but also hinders the potential for healing and reconciliation.” (Source: Family Acceptance Project)
Ultimately, the decision to disown a family member is never made lightly. It reflects a deep moral reckoning where personal identity must be weighed against the duty of care owed to loved ones. In this case, the OP’s stance is not a rejection of her brother’s sexual orientation but a clear repudiation of behavior that jeopardizes the welfare of his wife and children. The painful choice to cut ties is an effort to draw a boundary against actions that undermine the very essence of family commitment.
Check out how the community responded:
The Reddit community has weighed in forcefully on this issue. Many commenters emphasize that disowning her brother is not about rejecting his identity but condemning his selfish actions. Responses such as “NTA” and declarations that his behavior is inexcusable underscore a consensus: family members who neglect their responsibilities—especially when it harms innocent children—deserve accountability. These candid reactions reflect a shared sentiment that personal transformation should never come at the expense of others’ well‑being.
This story raises difficult questions about the limits of personal freedom and the responsibilities that come with family roles. When the pursuit of authenticity clashes with the duty to care for a spouse and children, where should the line be drawn? Do you believe that personal revelations can ever justify actions that harm others, or is accountability a non‑negotiable aspect of family life? Share your thoughts and experiences in the discussion below.