AITA for disowning my brother when he came out as gay, because of how he’s treating his wife?

A 21-year-old woman is struggling with her brother’s recent coming out as gay. While she supports his s**uality, she cannot condone his actions towards his wife, whom he kicked out of their home after confessing to infidelity. He has since been distant from their children and has publicly blamed her for the separation. She has cut him out of her life, but her family is divided on whether she’s being too harsh or is in the wrong. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for disowning my brother when he came out as gay, because of how he’s treating his wife?’

I (21f) have a brother (28) who came out as gay last month. He has been married to my best friend’s big sister (24) for four years, they have 2yo twin daughters together. I’m really close with her, so I’ve been trying to stay neutral in what has become a messy separation.

My brother told his wife he’s gay by sitting her down, and saying he had been sleeping with two different men for about six months. He said he is now sure that he feels romantic feelings for men, and also told her he has been sleeping with random men from Grindr for over a year behind her back.

She obviously freaked out, asked him how he could do this, why didn’t he tell her when he started having the feelings, etc. He said that he’s always thought he was gay but he didn’t want to come out because it might affect his career. She asked him what about the effect on her life? She is now a single mother to two toddlers.

He was essentially very angry that she wasn’t supportive of this, so he kicked her out of the house, with the kids. After she eventually found a place to stay, my brother moved in one of the men he has been having an affair with.

Since then, he has had very little contact with the kids, as in speaking to them on the phone once a week maybe. He has expressed that he still doesn’t want to be public about coming out,

so he posted on Facebook that he has separated from his wife because they aren’t in love anymore and hinted SHE was the unfaithful one (posting things like ‘yeah, seems like someone in this relationship wasn’t satisfied with just one man’) and is basically being a d**k.

I told him a couple weeks ago that he’s a f**king a**hole and I don’t want to be involved with him anymore because I think it’s disgusting that he’s treated his wife like this. I told him I get that you have to come out in your own time,

but you don’t need to kick her out, ignore your kids and berate her, and you don’t need to make comments that people will assume mean she was being unfaithful (he said this was a joke about him having two partners now? still fucked up).

He said I’m being a h**ophobic a**hole, and that I don’t know how hard it is to come out. He said that if I don’t accept him, I’m a bigot. He made mistakes and what not. I said maybe I will forgive him if he improves his behaviour to his wife,

and he said he resents her for keeping him from sleeping with men for years. I gave up at this point. My sisters (17&24) both think I’m being h**ophobic, my mom agrees with me. AITA?

Check out how the community responded:

descolero −  NTA. Him coming out does not absolve him because he’s a f**king adult. What he did was s**tty and he’s incredibly selfish. This is someone i would absolutely cut out of my life. His wife and kids deserved SO much better and I hope they’ll be able to move on from this without too much trouble. Good luck!

Yulaw95 −  Being gay in this situation doesn’t matter one bit. Cheating on your spouse, especially high risk (MSM) s** while presumably still having unprotected s** with his wife makes him a complete a**hole.

bethfromHR −  NTA. You didn’t disown your brother for being gay. You disowned him for being an unfaithful, selfish a**hole.. Big difference.

Pengwuini −  he said he resents her for keeping him from sleeping with men for years. NTA. This f**king man. Take some responsibility for your own actions – she didn’t tie you down and force you to have a family. This wouldn’t matter if you were gay or straight – you have a family, you don’t just make your partner and children homeless because she’s not supporting your affairs. Jog on.

Peemo83 −  NTA. Your brother is family and this must hurt you a lot being caught in the middle but I would say that his behaviour is not acceptable. I have known men who have come out in their later years but their priority has always been the children.

At the end of the day, being a parent should always come first and he seems to have forgotten this. Coming out would be a scary thing for anybody, but destroying his relationship with his kids? That’s far worse

SunflowerQueen420 −  Nta. Your brother is a disgusting a**hole. For this reason(s) ONLY -.

1. He cheated. A lot. Of his wife.

2. Kicked her and his own kids out because she was upset over him cheating A LOT and lying to him since the beginning.

3. Is lying to every single person they are close to.

4. Him telling Facebook she was unfaithful when he has had multiple partners. WHILE MARRIED ?!?

He is a horrible human being. Cut him out and make sure his wife and kids are okay. If you have proof of him cheating before he told his wife, get proof. Give it to her in case she needs it to for the divorce hearing. His s**uality is NOT an excuse to treat people like garbage.

greylikesplants −  Oh my GOD NTA! I hate whipping out the gay card, but as an extremely queer person, you are not being h**ophobic. Seriously, what the f**k is your brothers problem?

Something I have noticed that has become a trend is queer people using their s**uality or gender identity as an excuse for their s**tty behavior and if someone calls them out for their s**tty behavior they scream H**E CRIME or something. No, you are not h**ophobic.

Just because your brother is gay doesn’t mean he can trample on people without repercussions. I have huge concerns for those children and for your best friends sister. There is a better way to go about coming out to your wife as gay, and while it isn’t easy, it isn’t THAT!

He resents her for “keeping him from sleeping with men for years”? Oh my god, how selfish can you get? He flipped this poor woman’s world on its head, and brought two innocent children into the gunfire. My sisters ex husband did this.

It ruined her sense of self for a long time, made her feel ugly and undesirable, and made their child’s early years difficult. NOT THE A**HOLE. Your brother needs to see a therapist.

And so does his wife, for different reasons. I wish the best for her and those kiddos. I am so glad you seem to be supportive of her, and that you aren’t feeding into your brother’s f**king AWFUL excuses.

koifishyfishy −  NTA. He’s making it about him being gay, which you don’t actually seem to have a problem with. The issue is that he cheated on his wife repeatedly, then kicked *her and their toddler children* of the marital home, and then had to audacity to lead people to believe she was the one who cheated.

He’s using “h**ophobic” to guilt-trip you, as if coming out as gay excuses all the horrible things he’s doing along his journey. He chose to marry her and father those babies, he needs to treat them with a modicum of respect and tact while he figures out his new life.

xanif −  NTA. You’re not disowning him because he’s gay, your disowning him for making a**orrent behavior. How dare he play the “bigot” card.

just1here −  NTA. Others have said it better here than I can. Help the wife. Sounds like she never should have left that home & she may be too o**rwhelmed to obtain or act upon good advice for divorce.

ETA: since he’s being such a d**k, I’ll bet he has lied to your mom & sibling, making up terrible h**ophobic things that he claims you’ve said. Hence, they are siding with him & accusing you.

The line between supporting someone and holding them accountable for their actions can be tricky, especially when it involves family. Do you think the sister’s decision is justified, or should she be more understanding of her brother’s situation? Share your thoughts below!