AITA for creating a safe account for my wife?

A Reddit user shares his experience of creating a “safe” financial account for his wife without her knowledge, with the intention of ensuring she never feels trapped in their marriage. He explains that his decision stemmed from a traumatic childhood experience where his mother felt unable to leave his father due to financial dependency.

After his sister discovered the accounts and told their mother, the situation spiraled, with both his mom and wife now upset. The user asks if he was wrong to try to protect his family in this way. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for creating a safe account for my wife?’

I (38M) and my wife Eve (33F) have been together for 4 years, married for 2. Eight months ago, our twins were born, and Eve decided to stay home with them (her decision, not mine). For some context, I grew up in a wealthy family, while Eve did not. Her mother, a single mom, was loving but had to work a lot, which influenced Eve’s decision to stay home with our children.

Now, I grew up with incredibly loving parents until I was 12. Everything changed when my dad was in a car accident that drastically altered him. He became angry, constantly yelled, and even started cheating on my mom. When I asked my mom why she didn’t leave him, she explained that she couldn’t afford to give us (three kids) the same lifestyle—gated community, private schools, etc. So, she stayed with him until he passed away a few years later.

Because of this, when my wife and I got married, I opened a separate account for her and one for our children. My intention was that, if for any reason I changed or became difficult to live with like my dad, Eve wouldn’t feel trapped or pressured to stay. Every month, I deposit a percentage of my income into these accounts. Both accounts are now approaching six figures, with the kids’ account having a bit more.

Here’s where things get complicated. A few weeks ago, we went on vacation and left my sister house-sitting. For some reason, she went through my office and found the paperwork for these accounts. I hadn’t told my wife about them yet because she’s proud and doesn’t like receiving big financial gifts, so I was trying to figure out how to bring it up without upsetting her.

Well, my sister told my mom, and they both confronted me. My mom was angry because I didn’t give her money for an upcoming surgery (she doesn’t actually need the money, as she inherited from my dad and we already help her financially).

I explained that I created the accounts to prevent my wife from going through what my mom did, but both my mom and younger sister seemed to forget that part. The only person who’s on my side is my older sister. Now, my wife is upset and says she doesn’t want the money, that I should give it all to our kids or my mom. So, AITA for trying to protect my wife and family in this way?

Check out how the community responded:

Square-Minimum-6042 −  YTA if you don’t cut your sister out of your life immediately. Who does she think she is, first snooping then confronting you about it??? Cut that conversation off fast. Tell your sister she has lost your trust and is not welcome back to your wife’s home until she gives an apology that is both sincere and groveling. Your poor wife, I feel so angry on her behalf!

MerlinBiggs −  NTA. It’s great that you’re doing this for them. What is it with your sister going through your things? You need to put a stop to that.

Emergency_Mine_4455 −  NTA. You should have been open about this with your wife, but it’s not like you were hurting your current financial status, and you had her best interests at heart. Your sister and mom are TA here, you need to have a serious talk about boundaries and money with them and probably go a LOT lower contact.

You should also immediately give your wife access to these accounts so she knows you’re not trying to hide anything. When this has settled down, talk through this with your wife; listen to her concerns, and emphasize that your decisions about these accounts relate a great deal to YOUR experience in childhood and not to any judgement about her mom.

Dittoheadforever −  ESH except your wife. You should have told her about those accounts. My intention was that, if for any reason I changed or became difficult to live with like my dad, Eve wouldn’t feel trapped or pressured to stay. I would think if you ever went down that road, you wouldn’t let her access the money she didn’t even know about.
my sister house-sitting.

For some reason, she went through my office and found the paperwork for these accounts. Biggest A-H in the story. She had absolutely no business rooting through your paperwork and exposing what she found after she snooped. My mom was angry because I didn’t give her money . Another A-H here for not just telling your sister to mind her own business.  And double A-H for thinking she had some claim on the money.

-Nightopian- −  OP. All you have to do is open up a joint savings account with her name attached. In the event you two divorce she would be e**itled to half of that money.

TemptingPenguin369 −  Good intentions, but imagine if something happened to you and she didn’t know these accounts exist?

RevolutionaryFuel418 −  In two years you built up two $100k accounts. Your sister somehow found out not only that you had these accounts but what they were intended for via paperwork which is all done online these days. This story smells. Why do folks feel the need to make s**t up for Reddit karma???

Sharp_Potential3660 −  INFO. How is there an account that you don’t have access to but she doesn’t even know about?

growsonwalls −  Gentle YTA. You had good intentions, but you should have been transparent with your wife about these accounts and why you have them. Not telling her gives her the impression that it’s slightly paternalistic and condescending.

psycholinguist1 −  INFO: How can you open an account in your wife’s name without her knowing about it? An account needs a signatory, and if your wife doesn’t know about it, then that means you are the signatory. And if you are the signatory, then that means you control it, so it’s not really any kind of protection for her in the event you become a monster, is it?

Also, if you haven’t told your wife about the accounts, then they’re not going to help her if you become a monster. It’s been FOUR YEARS. How long are you going to keep them secret? This story just doesn’t make sense. What DOES make sense is in fact something more like you open secret accounts to hide income, and when you’re found out you make up some weird explanation like the one you just told us.. Is that what actually happened?

Was the user right to create the financial safety net for his wife and children without telling her, or should financial decisions of this magnitude always be discussed between partners? What could he have done differently? Share your opinions!