AITA for choosing not to attend my Sister’s Birthday brunch?
A Redditor (29F), six months pregnant and managing a high-risk pregnancy, shares their decision to skip their sister’s birthday brunch for health reasons. The sister, recently sick with a cold, became furious and accused the Redditor of overreacting.
She even threatened to cancel the baby shower she had planned, citing their refusal to attend her party as the reason. Now, the Redditor is left wondering if they were wrong for prioritizing their health and if they should reconsider having a baby shower at all. Read the full story below to see how this tense family situation unfolded.
‘ AITA for choosing not to attend my Sister’s Birthday brunch?’
(Sorry for length, backstory needed to fully understand story) I (29f) am 6 months pregnant with my first child. Due to my high blood pressure, my 3 falls and the Hernia that I was hospitalized for 2 weeks ago.My doctors have classified my pregnancy as high risk. All of which make it dangerous for me to catch so much a cold as coughing would aggravate my Hernia and land me in the ER again.
When I first got pregnant my sister (32F) announced that SHE was in charge of planning my baby shower, claiming it would be instagram perfect. She also got us a very expensive gift for the baby way in advance. For which we were very grateful.
My little brother (16M)came from Oshawa to Brossard (about a 5 hr drive) and spent last weekend at my sisters. While discussing the plans for the day, someone suggested going to a restaurant. I reminded them that I would prefer to avoid restaurants as there are too many risk factors for getting sick which I could not afford to take.
My little brother then responds with: « but I’m sick right now. »I froze. I had already been there for over an hour and I hugged my brother when I arrived. « What do you mean » I asked him. He then assures me it’s no big deal, it’s almost over, and it was just a runny nose. I said I understand that but he was still contagious, I apologized but stated that I would need to leave in order to protect myself and my baby.
My sister insisted that it was no big deal and that we could go buys masks and I’d be ok. I couldn’t believe that in this post Covid world I still had to explain to my sister how germs were spread but even then she insisted it was no big deal and that I was exaggerating. I left anyways.
My sister now wants to have a brunch for her birthday party at a restaurant in Montreal. It’s December. Middle of flu season and she invited at least 15 people. So I was already very sceptical about going given my previous reasons.
We then find out yesterday (Wednesday) that my sister is sick (she caught my brother’s cold) and her brunch is on Sunday. I apologized but told her that in that case we wouldn’t be able to go. But maybe we could see her for Christmas if she was no longer contagious.
She.was. Furious. Accusing my husband (29M) and I of living in fear and over exaggerating, that we could wear masks and sit on the other side of the table. And then stating (with it only a month and a half away) that fine! Well if we can’t risk a brunch for her birthday then I guess there would be no baby shower.
I haven’t responded other than to ask her if she was serious. She left me on read and hasn’t answered. So Reddit, am I the a**hole for choosing not to go to her birthday brunch? And should I even have a baby shower given my health issues?.
Check out how the community responded:
Humble_Guidance_6942 − NTA. I don’t think you should attend a baby shower. Get your mom involved or someone who truly cares more about you than Instagram clout. Not your sister. You can attend via zoom. You’re not safe with a bunch of people during cold/flu/COVID season. Stay safe OP. I wish you an easy journey to motherhood.
4th_chakra − My doctors have classified my pregnancy as high risk. We then find out yesterday (Wednesday) that my sister is sick. we wouldn’t be able to go. But maybe we could see her for Christmas if she was no longer contagious.
She.was. Furious. Accusing my husband (29M) and I of living in fear and over exaggerating Your sister lives in a universe where it’s all about her. You, your husband, and your doctor know the reality of what any illness can do to your pregnancy.
As you noted, even sneezing can aggravate your hernia, and put you back in the ER. The only reality where that is an “over exaggeration” is in your sister’s head.. And: When I first got pregnant my sister (32F) announced that SHE was in charge of planning my baby shower, claiming it would be instagram perfect. She also got us a very expensive gift for the baby way in advance
..if we can’t risk a brunch for her birthday then I guess there would be no baby shower It’s your baby, and there are significant health risks leading up to the birth. You can put the puppets and crayons back in the toy chest, because you have better things to do than exhaust yourself explaining the obvious to your n**cissist sister.
She made your baby shower about her. She gifted you a very expensive present ahead of everyone else so that the limelight shone clear and bright on her. And now that you said no to this brunch (which was about her again), she utterly lost her composure, stomping off and shutting the door behind her like a 6 year old who didn’t get her way.
should I even have a baby shower given my health issues? You, your baby, and your husband need to cross that finishing line together. Your health takes precedence. Maybe consider a gathering after you’re out of risk, that you and your husband organize.. NTA
Cat_Lilac_Dog22 − NTA, but also your sister is a little bit right. You should not have a baby shower. You are rightfully concerned about getting sick, but that means needing to avoid people during cold and flu season. As you said, we learned from the pandemic and even small gathering spread germs.
And if you try to make everybody wear masks and constantly use hand sanitizer at the shower your guests will be annoyed and you will still likely feel unsafe. Just do a Zoom shower or wait until spring and have a baby welcoming garden party.
Reasonable_Cookie206 − Totally NTA. But god, I so feel for you. Your pregnancy already sounds difficult. How are you coping mentally? Do you get enough support from your partner? You obviously don’t have to attend this ridiculous brunch and cancel the baby shower as well. Knowing your siblings, who knows what s**t they might pull. Take care of yourself, OP even if you have to wrap yourself in a bubble wrap for the rest of your pregnancy.
Weird_Stuff_McGee − NTA. Sounds like you dodged a bullet not catching what your brother had. If I was in your situation, I wouldn’t go to your sister’s birthday, I wouldn’t have an in person baby shower and I consider masking up every time my husband and I left the house.
It’s fine for you to not want to go to your sister’s birthday, but if you’re that concerned about being in the room with your sick brother you also should not want to be in a room with multiple adults for a baby shower. Someone else will be sick or have a sick kid and you’re putting yourself at risk. It’s lovely to be supported but in this case it’s better to be healthy.
TrainingDearest − ESH: NO to brunch. NO to the baby shower. NO to Christmas or ANY group functions. Because so many pregnancies are ‘normal’ it becomes easy for people to forget that this is also a MEDICAL CONDITION, and sometimes can become dangerous.
You have a (sadly typical) family that overlooks your medical situation in favor of their social expectations – to the point that they have active colds and ‘forget’ to warn you, or expect you to attend their special events anyway. Why?
I give you the ESH *because YOU set the ‘tone’*. If you aren’t going to take this seriously, how can you expect anyone else to? *Why are you even considering attending a Christmas event or a baby shower???* WTF?! Y*ou’re the one who should’ve shut down ALL gatherings from the moment you got the doctor’s warning- yet you too, are cherry picking your social events.* You’re sending mixed messages with your own inconsistent behaviors.
Your sister is obviously an AH for having a raging cold and expecting you to attend her event. Your brother is AH for having a cold and not even disclosing that to you. You only have a few months to go, and NONE of these gatherings are ‘Needs’, just unnecessary ‘Wants’: your PRIMARY responsibility is to your CHILD, not to your extended family. Do the right thing by your baby.
Valuable-Release-868 − Look, if you can’t manage a restaurant for your sister’s birthday, you have no business demanding a baby shower. You are NTA for not going to dinner, but you are an AH for expecting her to host a baby shower. Especially in view of the health issues you have.
The cancelation of the shower is the natural consequence of your decision to protect yourself. You can’t have it both ways. I saw in the comments that you would just have a virtual shower.
Do not be surprised if you get pushback in that as well. Not to mention all the older folk that be whispering about how gauche it is to host your own shower! It comes across as a gift grab and there are going to be people not happy about that at all!
No_Philosopher_1870 − NTA. You must follow medical advice. Your pregnancy is high-risk. Your safety and that of your child is far more important than her birthday party. You could postpone the baby shower until after the baby is born. Maybe have people concentrate on giving you clothing for 3 months and up. I’ve given that size of onesie at showers and gotten good feedback. Babies never wear out their clothing. They outgrow it.
fatfatznana100408 − With your health issues yes I would scratch the baby shower it’s nothing wrong with having it after you give birth and hopefully someone who truly understands your health issues will throw it. If not hey get the baby things lil by lil. Btw congratulations to you both.
BJGuy_Chicago − NTA. You and your baby’s health are *FAR* more important than her birthday.
Was the Redditor justified in prioritizing their health and safety over attending a family event, or should they have found a way to accommodate their sister’s wishes? How would you navigate family pressure while managing a high-risk pregnancy?
Share your thoughts and advice below!