AITA for choosing my brother over my marriage?

A Reddit user (31M) shares a deeply emotional conflict in his life. After the sudden deaths of both parents, he’s faced with becoming the guardian of his 6-year-old brother, the only family member willing to take him in. However, this decision clashes with a long-standing agreement with his wife (30F) that they would remain child-free. When he tells her she doesn’t have to stay in the marriage if she can’t accept this change, it sparks an intense disagreement, leaving him questioning his priorities and decisions.

‘ AITA for choosing my brother over my marriage?’

My parents divorced when I was 3, and went into separate marriages. I had a rough childhood being split between two different households, it was really messy and made me not want children at all. When I was 20, my parents reconciled after their second marriages had ended and had my brother soon after. I had already been dating my now-wife for a year, and we were eventually married, she agreed with me about not wanting kids.

Five years later and my brother is now 6, and all is not well in my parents marriage. My mother had an unexpected hard attack and died. My father did not take it well, and drank himself to death. Obviously my family is morning, and I’ve been trying to find a home for my brother, none of my half-siblings want him.

The only other option would be for him to go into foster care, and I’m not going to let that happen. I told my wife that I was going to become his guardian, and that she did not have to stick around in this marriage if she didn’t want to. She did not take it well and is furious that I would choose my brother over her. I doubt my marriage will survive, but I can’t let my brother go into foster care.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

JackSucks −  INFO. It kinda depends how the convo went down. If I base my opinion solely off the text, you’re an a**hole. I would never introduce an idea as “I’m going to do this and if you don’t like it you can leave”.

KitchenSwillForPigs −  NTA for stepping up and taking care of your brother but you absolutely could have handled this better. I do not want children in the slightest, but if my husband had a young sibling in need of a home, there would be no question. Maybe your wife feels the same way, but you’ll never know, because you didn’t ask her.

You told her what was going to happen and made it into a choice between your brother and wife. If you’d sat down and had a conversation with her, even if it ended the same way, you wouldn’t be TA. But you didn’t even give her a chance to make a decision. You made it for her, and that’s fucked up. That’s not what a marriage is. Taking care of your brother: NTA ✅ Effectively kicking your wife out without so much as an adult conversation: YTA ❌

Edit- Just going to point out that we don’t actually know if OP is getting a divorce. He said his wife is mad that he chose his brother over her. That doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not down to take the kid in. I interpreted this comment as a reaction to the manner in which OP presented the situation.

We don’t actually know how she feels beyond that. I am willing to change my answer to NAH. She’s allowed to be upset about the situation, because it changes the whole of their life plans, and ***of course*** he needs to take in his brother. I only think he’s TA because of the manner in which he approached this, as far as I can tell.

[Reddit User] −  So… You didn’t DISCUSS it? You just TOLD her..? So basically “My way or the high way?” Type thing?. “Like it or leave it.”? It seems like in no way shape or form like you even included her on this.

[Reddit User] −  YTA that’s a horrible thing to say to your wife.

watchSlut −  Your wife is being unreasonable but that is an absolutely terrible way to address the issue with your wife. Edit: Upon further thought, YTA. This whole scenario seems to stem from you giving your wife an ultimatum instead of a conversation. Additionally, your phrasing of she can like it or leave makes it sound like you care little for your marriage and would throw her away for any scenario you want.

Dogismygod −  YTA for making the decision unilaterally and then throwing this at her like a brick. You aren’t wrong to want to take your brother in, but you just torpedoed your marriage and are acting like she’s being unreasonable. She’s justifiably hurt by how you handled this.

Holtder −  Five years later and my brother is now 6, and all is not well in my parents marriage. This “clever” line before mentioning how the both of them died in awful ways make me want to believe this is a shitpost.

drizzee__ −  YTA. You approached this horrifically. It’s totally fine to know that you would choose your brother in the end, but this should’ve been a conversation and a collaboration. You should’ve given your wife the chance to get comfortable with the idea and maybe she would’ve gone on board if she felt like an active member in the decision.

Instead you made the choice and made it clear her opinion doesn’t matter. Chances are she wouldn’t have left you if you handled this like a responsible adult who cares about his wife. She would’ve adjusted to life’s changes. But now I would not blame her if she did leave you solely based on the way you treated the situation.

gurilagarden −  YTA – not for stepping up to avoid foster hell for your brother, but man, you didn’t even make an effort to salvage your marriage. It looks from here like you used the situation with your brother to get out a relationship you weren’t happy with.

Sam4891 −  YTA. Not because you are taking your brother in, obviously you should do that. But only because adding ‘you can leave if you want’ was unnecessary and told her in her mind you didn’t care about her very much. That said I realize emotions are very high and right now and you’re going through a lot. My condolences to your family, I hope you can all pull through this and your wife comes to understand.