AITA for calling my wife unreasonable for backing out of spending Christmas with my family after my mother rejected her cookie sample”?

A Reddit user shares a family dilemma that arose when his wife backed out of spending Christmas with his family after her cookie sample was rejected by his mother. Despite the husband’s belief that it was unreasonable to withdraw from the holiday over a single dessert, his wife felt hurt and excluded. The situation escalated into an argument, leaving the user questioning whether he was right to label his wife’s reaction as unreasonable.

‘ AITA for calling my wife unreasonable for backing out of spending Christmas with my family after my mother rejected her cookie sample”?’

Context: For every holiday, My mother would ask the women in the family (my sisters, sister in-law, my wife, my female cousins) to send “samples” of the desserts they plan to bring to the celebration for testing and to see if these desserts could make it to the “food menu”.

My wife has been complaining about my mother deliberately rejecting every dessert sample she sent. So many times my mother has told her that she’s being honest and keeping the guests best interest at heart. Yet my wife still thought that my mother is deliberately excluding her since 2 of her dessert samples were rejected before.

For this year’s Christmas my mother is doing the same thing but this time, she told every woman who are participating to make a “cookie sample” and send it to her for testing. My wife took it as a challenge and to be honest she worked really hard to make a good sample and sent it to my mother days ago and the results just came in yesterday.

I came home from work and found my wife upset. I asked what’s wrong and she told me that my mother rejected the sample she sent and decided to exclude her baking from the food list/menu for christmas this year. I didn’t know what to say but she then told me she was backing out of the invitation to attend christmas with my family.

I was stunned when I heard her make this statement. I tried to talk to her but she said “it was done” I called her unreasonable to decide to bail on the whole family over some cookie sample…that’s just freaking crazy and quite unreasonable.

We had a full on argument about it and she stated that my mother caused this but I told her that my mother is pretty serious and careful about the food she offers to the guests since we are going to have relatives coming from all sides of country. She told me to stop mentioing it.

Later I heard her cry despite telling her that her baking is amazing and people have preferences that’s all. AITA for insisting that her decision was unreasonable?
Info. If you’re asking whose cookie sample made it to the menu, the answer is my sister and my 2 cousins.. Info Few things to put on here:

1. My wife wasn’t the only one whose sample was rejected. We have SIL’s (brother’s wife) and my younger sister’s.
2. My mother did not force anyone to participate, it was up to whoever wanted to take part.
3. This is just about the dessert since my mother tends to be very careful in this category but for other types of foods. Dishes/appetizers/salads/stuff like that is welcome as she stated.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

ZealousidealWin8128 −  So, correct me I’m wrong, but for years and years your mother has demanded that all the women (why not men too?) in your family send in samples. For years and years your wife has tried her hardest to appease your mother, had pushed herself to the limit, and has been left completely and utterly demoralised each and every time by a humiliating tradition enforced by the holiday tyrant.

And, even worse, her shame was publically put on display each and every year as other family members would no doubt notice that, once again, her food was not chosen.
Finally, after producing something she was unbelievably proud of, she was once again left embarrassed and most likely deeply hurt as she was deemed not good enough for yet another year.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back and she decides she has had enough of her humiliation and that she will not give her cruel MIL the satisfaction of seeing her discomfort on such a big day. She makes a boundary that many would have made a long time prior. And her husband tells her she is unreasonable for setting up boundaries?. Dude. Come on. You know YTA.

[Reddit User] −  YTA- I’d never in a million years bake samples to be approved. I’m showing up with my food. Eat it or not I really don’t care. Your mom is TA and very very weird.

Background-Ad8636 −  YTA. Your mom is also an AH who takes samples in and makes others feel bad because of their cooking.
This tradition sucks and I get why OP’s wife doesn’t want to go.

iate40chickennuggies −  YTA. The hell kind of tradition is this? This isn’t Chopped/The Great British Bake-off/etc., this is a time for family. No wonder why your wife doesn’t want to go.

Natural_Garbage7674 −  YTA. Your wife has been telling you for years that your mother has been *rejecting* her. She has gone out of her way to make something good and your mother’s pretentious Christmas menu leaves her out every year.

And now you can’t understand why she’s devastated and doesn’t want to go to Christmas with the people who make her feel so bad. It sounds like you just said “guess my mother just doesn’t like your cooking. Deal with it” instead of *you* dealing with your mother.

What kind of Christmas requires *samples* to be sent for *approval in advance* for the *menu*? Your mother sounds controlling and frankly I wouldn’t want to go to family Christmas there either.

VallisGratia −  I bet if someone else from the family would send your wife’s sample as theirs, they would get approved. This isn’t about your wife’s baking. She knows that. I know that. Everyone in AITA knows that. Everyone in your family knows that. Your mother knows that. Even you know that.. **YTA**

ItsSublimeTime −  YTA. Why haven’t you defended your wife’s baking to your mom? You are choosing your mother over your own wife. Step up and tell your mom that you don’t appreciate the constant insulting of your wife – and accept that if she doesn’t feel comfortable going to Christmas at her house, that she has every right not to. And you should be supporting her decision.

[Reddit User] −  “That’s just freaking crazy and quite unreasonable.” Do you know what’s crazy and unreasonable? Your mother’s weird b**lying food sample power trip.. YTA and your mother is too.

Ok_Surround6561 −  YTA. Your mother has a god complex about her holiday menu and your wife is being hurt by it. This goes beyond preference. Your family is a bunch of AHs if they go along with it.

francesknows −  YTA. Without a doubt. Not surprising since you were raised by the supreme AH. Who does you mom think she is? The royal cookie taster? If it doesn’t appeal to her it couldn’t possibly be liked by anyone? You are royally messed up in the head, to think this is normal behavior for a family holiday.

Can you not see your wife’s efforts we’re a desperate attempt to comply, to a completely insane request? Making a dessert once to bring to the dinner is already an effort. To make a trial run for her majesty’s approval is a bridge too far. And family members submit to this insanity? Your wife is correct in staying home. Your mother puts her taste in bakery ahead of appreciating your wife, (and others no doubt), it’s insulting, and YTA to put up with it.

Was the husband’s reaction justified, or should he have been more sensitive to his wife’s feelings about being excluded from the family tradition? How do we balance family dynamics and personal feelings during the holidays? Share your thoughts below!