AITA for being completely honest to my biological parents about how my childhood was really awful?

A Redditor shared their experience meeting their biological parents for the first time after being adopted and raised in foster care. The meeting, which was supposed to be a happy reunion, took a turn when the Redditor became overwhelmed with emotions.

After hearing about their parents’ lives and the families they built, the Redditor lashed out, expressing their anger and disappointment over their own difficult childhood. This led to both biological parents apologizing, with the mother in particular feeling deeply affected by the encounter. Now, the Redditor feels conflicted, wondering if they were too harsh in their honesty. Was their emotional outburst justified, or did they overstep? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for being completely honest to my biological parents about how my childhood was really awful?’

I was given up for adoption right after I was born. Unfortunately my adoption didn’t work out and I grew up in foster care until I turned 18.. I’m now 19 and in college. In February, I got a Facebook message from a man claiming to be my father. We messaged back and forth and while I kept a lot of my childhood details private, we did make plans to meet him and my mother. They weren’t married to each other by the way.

When I got to the restaurant, I was very shocked and honestly upset to find my father and mother had brought their spouses, as well as their children to surprise me. My father’s mother, so my grandmother was also there.

I was already feeling very emotional about the whole thing and seeing everyone there didn’t help. So I sat through an hour of listening to them sharing all about their lives while I fake smiled through everything. Honestly, I felt very jealous that they had kids they really loved and how they all had really happy lives after ditching me.

Then they started asking about me and my parents, and how my Facebook gave very little away about my life. I basically lost it and started crying like a little b**ch (lol) and told them how s**tty my adoptive parents were and how s**tty foster life was.

I was pretty snarky and sarcastic when I said that I’m glad their lives worked out for them because mine sure as hell didn’t. I couldn’t stop crying and my father had to drop me back home. He was very apologetic. I feel very s**tty about it. I made my mother and father cry at the restaurant. They were really nice people.

I got a few messages from my mother and father separately where they’ve been apologizing and if they could make it up to me. My mother in particular seems really upset by everything and I hate that I may have messed up her happy life. Her last message basically said that she’s been unable to sleep and wants to see me again. I’ve been ignoring their messages and just been focusing on school instead.

AITA? Maybe I should’ve been more honest before the meetup.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

LeafPankowski −  NAH. You have a right to your life. And they have probably spent the last 19 years clinging to the idea that you had a better life then they could give you – being hit by the reality that their happiness now is built the opportunities they had by condemning you to misery has probably hurt them quite a bit, but thats not your fault.

Ellis-Bell- −  Hey, I hope you’re alright. This sounds massively complex and as if there is a lot of trauma. I don’t think this is a case for this sub, please reach out to a friend, maybe your uni campus has a psychologist you could speak to? Wishing you all the best, an internet stranger.

Gaawwaag −  NTA!!! You were completely blindsided and I don’t understand how your birth givers couldn’t foresee that being an overwhelming and TOTALLY inappropriate thing to spring on a child they f**king abandoned.

Glad they were apologetic about it. Before you reach back out, consider what you want from your relationship with them, and how seeing them makes you feel. It might be best to talk one on one only for awhile, or maybe to even write to each other. you get to choose how you make your own family and at what pace

JabbaInBlueJeans −  Your birth parents made a mistake by surprising you with their extended families. You were rightfully upset by this. It doesn’t sound like they did it maliciously and they have both apologized for it. Your feelings of resentment and abandonment are absolutely valid. You were right to be honest with them about your childhood and your feelings towards them.. There are NAH.

Master-Manipulation −  NAH. The truth was harsh regardless of how you put it. Plus, it was bound to come up if you tried to continue a conversation with them. They had their reasons for giving you up and that doesn’t make them an AH, nor does it invalidate your feelings

[Reddit User] −  NTA. It’s possible that there are no assholes here, but even very nice people that are so stupidly unaware of how blitzing you with the bio family you never knew might backfire absolutely deserve to be made uncomfortable.

If you want to try again under better controlled circumstances (maybe one parent at a time), great! If you don’t, great! You are under no obligation to make them feel comfortable with the choices that they’ve made.

I second what others have said here – please make sure to take care of yourself and find support. No doubt there are plenty (too many) people who have experienced a difficult upbringing and found their place in the world.

Flocceenaucee −  NTa. You were ambushed. They created a cosy world for you on their head, assuming that trying to give you a better life by giving you up as a baby you had a Hallmark movies life. It never occurred to them that it would be otherwise. The meeting was to assuage their guilt and not really about you.

Don’t feel guilty. If they had the sensitivity of a brick they would have met you 1 on 1 or 2 on 1 and found out about your life before talking about their great family and flaunting it before you. Put yourself first. Nurture yourself. Do school so you can support your self.

Have you seen how many times I puy ‘yourself’ in that paragraph? You have to be your number 1 because you cannot rely on anyone else yet. Leave the door open to these people but let them know that you can’t deal with them today or next week. Send them an Xmas card each year till you are ready if you want. But have NO regrets about telling your truth. Don’t let the manipulate you into soft soaping your Experiences to make then feel better.

[Reddit User] −  NAH. You would never have been able to move on and potentially pursue a relationship with these individuals without airing the s**t first. It is hard. I can share some level of empathy because my partner didn’t have one of their parents in their life for a long while and my partner had a few of these conversations with the parent when we got back in touch recently. From my experience there are a few things you need to figure out and accept.

1. Do you wan’t to try and have a relationship with these people?

2. Set clear and hard boundaries. For example be clear you want to meet them without the whole family.

3. Understand the grandparents may see things very differently and just want a relationship with you and have always wanted a relationship with you. Putting you up for adoption was unlikely to be their decision.

4. Understand you will never have the childhood your half siblings have. Also understand that you entering your half siblings lives may be a stressor for them. They haven’t have it as hard as you but what one person thinks is hard is relative to their previous experiences so try and cut them some slack if they ever lash out at you appearing in their lives.

5. Linked to the previous, accept that you will never have that childhood. Whether you chose to pursue a relationship or not that childhood is gone. Thats the hand you were dealt and it sucks and they are sorry but it cannot be changed.

If you will resent them indefinitely for that then you will never be able to foster a relationship. The cards you have just been dealt are those that would allow you access to two new families and to be a child to your biological parents even if you are a bit late to the party.

6. Therapy. The first thing they can do to make up for everything and if they want a relationship is to pay for councelling. You have been through some s**t and this is the best place to start. Solo therapy is probably for the best to begin with. Group therapy may be helpful int he future to make sure they understand.

7. The first meeting is always the hardest. The fact they are messaging you apologising shows that they aren’t angry they are just sorry. I appreciate that with where you have been it must be hard to trust people or let them in but give them a shot.

gunnarb1890 −  NTA, to begin with they shouldn’t have brought their families. Then they went on to say how great their lives were. TBH just reading it feels like a slap in the face. That’s not to say that you should stay away from them though, but that’s completely your choice. If they don’t like it, all I can say is that it’s their fault for overwhelming you at the meetup.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Its pretty s**tty that they set up the first meeting like that.. almost a slap to your face. I don’t blame your reaction at all. Meeting the rest of the family should happen waaaaaay later.

Do you think the Redditor’s emotional reaction was justified, given their difficult past, or did they take things too far in front of their biological family? How would you handle such an overwhelming situation where past pain collides with a chance for reconnection? Share your thoughts in the comments below!