AITA for becoming a “stay-at-home parent” when I did not support my ex being SAH?

A Redditor shared a complicated co-parenting dilemma stemming from a major life shift and accusations of hypocrisy from his ex-partner. After a tragic family loss and a financial windfall, he transitioned to a more flexible work-life balance, allowing him to spend more time with his son. However, his ex criticized him for embracing a “stay-at-home parent” role after opposing her desire to do the same during their relationship. Read the full story below to see the challenges and perspectives at play.

‘ AITA for becoming a “stay-at-home parent” when I did not support my ex being SAH?’

I (33M) share a 3 year old son with my ex (29F). We broke up before our son was born. One of the reasons we broke up was her insistence on being SAH until our child reached school age at least. Obviously, she needs to stay home for the months after the birth to recover, but once she was recovered, I did not support her continuing to not work.

I did not want a relationship where she was financially dependent on me. We also disagreed on concepts like gender roles within the family. We both had been rather progressive, after getting pregnant, she started expounding a lot more “traditional” views.

In any case, our son is born and we co-parent. We have 50/50 custody, but I make more than my ex so I pay health insurance, child care, and child support. Tragically, a year after my son is born, my mother is killed in an accident by a semi truck.

My twin brother, who himself is a family law/divorce attorney, has one of his law school classmates look into the accident. Turns out, the semi driver was over the federally allowed hours to drive. As you can imagine, this really effects by perspective on things. We end up getting a substantial settlement.

I decide to take a step back from my career. I am an accountant. I sign a freelance contract with my firm that gives me the flexibility to be with my son as much as I want. I still pay for insurance, child care, and child support (Note: the settlement has no impact on my child support, trust me, I have had the best family law firm in the state look into it). But, on my time, I usually keep him with me and we spend the day together going to the park, museums, library, etc.

My ex has expressed her frustration at my “hypocrisy.” She says, I am now a “stay-at-home parent,” but would not let her be one. I told her the situations are different because my situation does not involve me being financially dependent on anyone. That was my chief concern with her doing it. This is causing issues in our co-parent relationship.. AITA?

See what others had to share with OP:

Mother_Search3350 −  You are not a Stay at Home parent. You are employed on a flexible contract that allows you to be fully present with your son during your custody time. . What’s the issue here? 

FinanceAfter4940 −  You’re employed, literally impossible to be the a**hole in this scenario!

Longwinded_Ogre −  NTA. “Oh no, some lady I’m not dating doesn’t approve of how I support myself, whatever shall I do. Anyways….” I’d shut that s**t down. I’d tell her that as your ex, how she feels about how you support yourself is irrelevant to you. Tell her that unless you bounce a check, this is the last you want to hear about it.

Appropriate-East8621 −  I can definitely understand her frustration and jealousy. You’re living the life she wanted (by being able to on stay Home, however you’re still working) . But that doesn’t make you an a**hole. You’re doing what’s best for you and your child. She shouldn’t be taking her frustration out on you. While I get it, it’s not fair to you and it’s a completely different situation. You didn’t want another dependent, which is understandable. She’s definitely the a**hole here. NTA.

SerenityLunaMay −  NTA. You aren’t a SAHM. You are a remote worker. There is a big difference. Stop responding to anything she says that isn’t strictly about your child and enjoy your life without drama.

Apart-Scene-9059 −  NTA: She’s upset because if she waited a little bit longer she would have benefited from your tragedy and now mad she didn’t stick it out a little longer.

RJack151 −  NTA. You are right, the situation is very different. You are under no pressure to provide all the financial support.

Proud_Tie_4802 −  There’s no way you don’t see why your ex is upset. You’re living the parenting dream she wanted.

ssellzey −  NTA. Your Ex is an EX for a reason. You don’t have to listen to her. Why are you continuing to fight with someone who is an ex about their opinions? You’re lifestyle is not their business.. end of argument.

Suzibrooke −  I was a SAHM. It was hard but fulfilling. But here’s the thing, it left me trapped in a bad situation. OP, you were right to insist your ex stick to the original agreement, and it was unfair of her to use emotional b**ckmail to try to force her wishes on you like that. That must have been very difficult. Having your partner dependent on you is not good for either one. If your ex has been willing to honor your original agreement, you two could have stayed together.