AITA For Allowing Adult Kids to Yell At Boomer Grandparents?

A Reddit user (F, 40s) shares a family conflict where her adult daughters (22F, 24F) yelled at their paternal grandmother after overhearing a heated conversation. The grandmother dismissed the urgency of visiting their maternal grandfather, who is rapidly declining with dementia, by saying, “We’re all dying!” This triggered a strong emotional reaction from the daughters. The husband believes their reactions were overblown and blames OP for the fallout, causing further tension in the family.

‘ AITA For Allowing Adult Kids to Yell At Boomer Grandparents?’

AITA for allowing my 22 (F) and 24 (F) daughters to yell out their grandmother? My kids maternal grandfather (my father) is declining rapidly with dementia. Christmas is right around the corner and making plans has been a last-minute thing due to figuring out whether maternal grandparents would be able to host Christmas. In the previous 25 years, we have worked around the schedule of the paternal grandparents and sister-in-law.

This is the first year that we informed mother-in-law that we would be going to my parents on Christmas Day. The previous years, mother-in-law has dictated, we come over Christmas Eve or Christmas Day to her house. My husband call my mother-in-law on speaker phone, she proceeded to yell on the phone that they always had to plan the holidays around us and that we are always an inconvenience.

My daughters overheard what my mother-in-law said, and proceeded to get very upset. When my husband tried to explain to his mother that his father-in-law has limited time, his mother responded with “we’re all dying”! This cause an immediate reaction from both my daughters where they yelled out hurtful things that my mother-in-law took offense to. No, my in-laws did not have plans yet. in actuality, they have spent the last week moving into a new house.

Now my oldest daughter wants to cut off paternal grandparents. My husband thinks my children and I are overreacting for getting upset. My oldest daughter just wants her father to say “yes, what grandma said was wrong and your feelings are valid”. But of course, he did not say that. Instead he told her to shout the “F” up. This causing an even fight within our immediate family.

Now my daughters and I aren’t speaking to my husband, and they do not want to spend Christmas with their paternal grandparents. And my husband says this is all my fault. Yes, my husband triggered my adult daughter’s ADHD rage. If you don’t know what that is look it up it’s a real thing.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

McflyThrowaway01 −  NTA. Your daughter’s feelings are valid. You didn’t ruin Christmas, your husband and his mother have. So tell him that he and his mom can have the Christmas they deserve, all alone.

PaintingBeginning148 −  Your grandfather is dying and he has the audacity to be upset with you? Is he serious? Whatever issues he has with others being the priority, he clearly get its from his mother. You are not the a**hole, that’s insane of them.

Sabre3001 −  That is not what a “typical man” would say. It is what an a**hole would say.

kharmatika −  NTA. “Typical Man”. My man isn’t like that. You should tell yours to be a better person. This incident isn’t worth going no-contact over in a vacuum, but this sounds like it’s a pattern. Tell him he needs to make a decision to stand up to mommy dearest.

Stranger0nReddit −  NTA. Your Grandpa has limited time left, of course you want to spend Christmas with him and that side of the family. Shame on MIL for making everything about her with no regard for the difficult situation on your side of the family. She sounds like somebody who is used to controlling everyone and getting her way.

The reality is you’ve spent past Christmases with her, your family should get a chance at that too. Does your husband routinely side with his mom over you If so, yikes; You’ve got a bigger problem on your hands. And for him to tell his own daughter to “shut the F up” is unacceptable behavior. Of course, he probably learned that kind of thing from his mom. As for what your daughters said to MIL, what exactly was it they said? And how did MIL react?

LogicalDifference529 −  Your husband tells his daughter to “shut the f**k up” but how they talked to their grandmother is on you?

throwitaway82721717 −  I just lost my dad after a wreck a few months ago. He got into the wreck on a Tuesday and I lost him the following Tuesday. I didn’t know it was the last week I would have. Three days in, my mom was telling me I was spending too much time there and needed to take care of myself. I thank God I went to see him every day.

If you have the ability to be with a loved one you absolutely know is on limited time you should make them a priority. Anyone trying to compete for that attention instead of being understanding can kick rocks.

Your daughters shouldn’t have yelled but they are young and that comes with time. You should tell them while their feelings were valid there are better ways of going about disagreeing with someone. Sometimes, lack of reaction or a simple “I’m sorry you feel that way” goes a lot further than yelling and making a scene they can come back to for victim points. Especially if they rely on yelling to make their points to begin with.

If the grandparents are willing to apologize for saying such an awful thing I think your daughters should also apologize. But the grandparent should also be told on no uncertain terms what they said was unacceptable and will not be tolerated again. If this is a deal breaker then you move on.

Syric13 −  NTA. Your adult kids are about to go no contact with your husband as soon as they can if your husband’s behavior continues.

overundermoneyline −  NTA. But I do think you missed an opportunity to model better de-escalation behavior. It was a phone call. Hang up and let the rage roller coaster run its course, get back to MIL with a more well thought out response. Revenge is a dish best served cold and all that.

Jesses_squirrel −  Ah Christmas with narcissistic Boomers. You and your girls are NTA.