AITA for admitting that I don’t trust my mom?

A Redditor (16M) recalls a deeply impactful moment from childhood when their mother briefly left the family during an argument, returning the next day without acknowledgment of what had happened. Years later, this unresolved memory affects their relationship, leading to an argument where they admitted they don’t fully trust their mom. Now, the family thinks the user was wrong to bring it up. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for admitting that I don’t trust my mom?’

Background info is needed for this to be understandable. When I was a kid (I think I was 11 or 12 at the time) my parents rarely got into fights and when they did they were resolved within a few hours, except one time. I don’t know what they were arguing about but at some point my older sister (I am the second oldest child out of 4 total) came into my room and told me our mom was leaving and I need to convince her not to.

I don’t think I need to explain that for a kid, being told your mom is leaving out of nowhere causes some panic. I probably stood by her for 20 minutes crying and begging her to stay while she packed a bag and ignored my presence. Then she left. My dad went after her but she left anyway.

The next day she came back like nothing ever happened. No one ever talked about it. My dad and siblings acted like nothing happened, too. I was the only who didn’t. I didn’t talk to her for days.

Ever since then that’s been at the back of my mind, all the time. Anytime I spoke to her, that thought that she could and would just up and leave without there being anything I could do, was always there. So I entirely avoided negative conversations and argument.

A lot of the time when she got mad at me for something I just said nothing because in my mind it was better than saying what she deemed the wrong thing and have her leave. Because of this I haven’t been close with her. I can’t talk to her like I would with my dad.

Now the actual situation this came up in was that I borrowed her car for a few days and one morning it didn’t turn on. I called my dad about it, details aren’t exactly relevant I think, but eventually she found out and got upset I called dad instead of her.

Argument ensued, which went like they usually do, until she said “You’re my son and it’s like you’re constantly afraid to tell me anything” to which I just responded that I am. I told her that I’m always thinking about that day she left. She didn’t say anything and just left. And now that I’m writing it out it sounds incredibly ironic.

Now my siblings and dad are saying I’m in the wrong because I shouldn’t have brought it up at all. I know my mom thinks I’m an a**hole (I’m pretty sure she’s always thought that though). Now I’m wagering if I should’ve just kept my mouth shut to keep the peace.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

algunarubia −  NTA. I’m assuming she never apologized or explained after she left that night. Without that, how could she expect you to get over it? She may be upset that you brought it up now, but if she’s sensible at all, she should realize that you telling her did her a favor, since now she can try to make it up to you.

Reasonable_Cookie206 −  I think you should have an open conversation with your mom. You have stewed with this thought that she’ll up and go for years now and it significantly casted a shadow on your relationship.

You are definitely not the AH, OP. I’m a bit suspicious of your family members on why they didn’t want to talk about it. Unless you guys talk it out, this will always be a point of contention in your relationship with your mom.. NTA.. Edit: fixed typos.

No_Philosopher_1870 −  NTA. Often what is forced to be unmentioned or undiscussed erodes trust. It’s a big burden to make a child feel like they have the responsibility to keep their mother from running away from home.

silver_thefuck −  NTA. What you experienced was trauma related to a**ndonment. As children, it’s very important for our parents to show us that they can be trusted to be there when we need them.

You being made to get involved in that situation on top of your mother doing nothing to reassure you (it’s okay for her to leave if she needed to for one reason or another, but it WAS her job to let you know when she’d be back/assure you that you weren’t at fault) greatly affected your trust in her, and it sounds like it also forced you into becoming the s**pegoat in the family in order to try and “keep the peace.”

But it’s important for you to know that, at the end of the day, NONE of this has been your fault, and it’s not on you to keep the peace OR to keep your family together. Those responsibilities lie solely with your parents, and it’s okay that you don’t trust her. It’s on her to rebuild that kind of bond with you. Sincerely hope you’re able to get to a point where you don’t feel like you have to be her punching bag. You sound like a good guy just trying his best.

kurokomainu −  NTA Your dad and siblings are just wrong on this. Even if ignoring what your mom did superficially works for them for now, for *you* it will never deal with the damage your mother did to your relationship. If there is any chance for you and your mother to work things out and recover the trust it had to be brought up.

Apparently she didn’t realize just what damage her actions caused. Now she does. The ball is in her court. Frankly, I doubt your mother will have a massive epiphany, apologize, and set to work on mending your relationship — but that doesn’t mean you were wrong to tell her. Now the both of you know what the issue is.

You have nothing to apologize about and you don’t need to emulate your father and siblings dysfunctional tip-toeing around your mother. That won’t work out well for them in the long-term either. If your mother is always one wrong word away from walking out the door then pretending everything is fine is only a paper-thin cosmetic cover to hide the problem.

xarajaz −  NTA, OP, but it might help to remember you should never have been placed in the position of being told that you needed to convince your mom to stay (i.e., what your sister said).

I don’t know how she got the idea to tell you that, whether dad suggested it, or mom somehow suggested it or she thought you were close to mom and would be successful in convincing her and so came up with it on her own because she was scared herself. But it wasn’t your fault and her leaving was about the fight with your dad.

It sounds like maybe she has a strategy of shutting down and walking away from situations that are too uncomfortable and to avoid this problem your family has a habit of avoiding the things that she doesn’t want to talk about.

That unfortunately means you’re unlikely to get closure on this topic and if you try to force it, you may find her punishing that by shutting you out for a while. My mom operates this way. She once refused to talk to me for a year, started talking to me again, and then stopped again for a further 8 months; when I was a teenager she would do it for a few hours.

On the other hand, it’s probably unlikely that she’ll permanently cut you off. It’s an avoidance tactic, kind of an unhealthy way of setting boundaries (unhealthy because it’s more like land mines than fences).

But you’re NTA, and you don’t have to adopt your family’s habit of avoiding her triggers in order to be morally correct (assuming that’s what’s going on). Instead, you have to decide what will actually work for you.

Assuming you aren’t likely to get resolution and be able to be really honest with her about things that are likely to make her angry, what will make your life better? I have personally found that limiting contact with my mother worked best.

I talk to her sometimes on the phone, and limit the conversation to safe topics for us. The best thing I ever did was move away several hours. It’s hard for her to get mad and try to punish me when I’m not in the same city, somehow, but everyone is different. 

Icy_Strawberry7347 −  Talk to your family and ask them why they are so afraid to bring it up. NTA, she needs to learn her actions affect you. She should’ve at least talked about it to you after the incident, because everything about that situation is awful. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that OP

BigFootMeek −  NAH. This might not be a popular take. You are not wrong for your feelings. Your mom has feelings too. What happened to make her pack up and leave for a day. Obviously you parents fought over something and it was a big deal for your mom. I think you need to find out what happened between them. It’s probably a big deal and may change how you view her leaving.

rexmaster2 −  NTA. I don’t understand why no one is allowed to talk about that moment. It was a moment that imprinted on you, and I guarantee it will impact all relationships as you get older. Please consider therapy.

You should talk with her AND your dad together. This is a moment that has stayed with you for awhile (since we don’t know how old you are now), and it’s best if there is a chance for it to be resolved.. Good luck.

Individual_Metal_983 −  NTA this was a traumatic event for you. And you have never resolved it. Your mother questioned you and you answered honestly. And your mother reinforced your feelings by leaving again. If she wants your trust then she needs to address the trauma you suffered, probably with a therapist.

Was the user justified in sharing their feelings, even if it caused discomfort for their mother and family? Or should they have kept their emotions to themselves for the sake of family harmony? How should unresolved issues like this be addressed? Share your thoughts below!