AITA for admitting I regret having children ?

A Reddit user shares a story about a moment in marriage counseling that sparked a major conflict with his wife. Both 42, the couple has been struggling with their marriage since having kids—a 6-year-old and 4-year-old twins.

During a counseling session, when asked if he would choose fatherhood again, the user admitted he wouldn’t. While he loves his kids deeply, he confessed that parenthood has not been fulfilling and that the sacrifices have been greater than the rewards.

His wife, however, took the comment badly, even telling their 6-year-old that “daddy wishes you were never born.” Now, the user is worried this will affect their looming divorce and potentially impact custody of the children. The post concludes by inviting everyone to watch the story below.

‘ AITA for admitting I regret having children.’

My wife and I are both 42 and in marriage counselling after our marriage basically went to s**t after having kids (6 and 4 year old twins). A lot of issues and disagreements have come up in our marriage that have driven us apart and I have been working through my resentment that going back for one more baby resulted in twins, including one which we are pretty sure has ADHD and ODD and is a *nightmare* child).

Our counsellor asked me if I would have children if I had to do it all over again and I said “honestly, no”. I love my kids and would take a bullet for them, but if I had the chance to go back to 24 when I finished grad school and could do my life over again, I wouldn’t choose fatherhood.

It is not the fulfilling experience everyone claims and while I love my children, the sacrifices are not worth it to me. I had a much happier life before having children and have gone from someone who loved life to someone who just…..makes it through the day, working a job he hates to provide for the wife and kids while silently wishing this wasn’t my life.

My wife is *furious* and taking it the wrong way and even told our 6 year old “daddy wishes you were never born” which makes me livid. You don’t tell the kid that. Yes, I wish I never had kids, but I do love them, would never hurt them or want to upset them.

And I didn’t say it to/in front of my kids and I never ever will. I said it in marriage counselling, what should be a safe space to talk about feelings. It has become a huge fight, our marriage is not going to be saved now, and I know she will try and use this against my in divorce court to try and get sole custody and take everything and lie to the kids who I do love and still want to be a Dad to them.

She is incapable of understanding that you can love your kids but also feel that parenthood was the best choice for you.. AITA for saying it though? Edit: Ok this blew the f**k up and there is no way I can reply to everyone’s questions.

But to address a couple I have 3 kids not 4. One child is 6, two are four. English is not my first language and I forgot the comma, and even so that sentence would have been much clearer in my native language.

When I say I resent having twins, I am not saying it is my wife’s fault! But 3 children is more than we budgeted/bargained for and I need to pick up a lot overtime I that I would not have had to pick up if we just had 2 kids, and that is what I resent (that and the child with ADHD/ODD).

My life is basically work and dealing with my kids. And do you know what ODD is? This child always refuses to do what is asked, gets angry and throws a tantrum when asked to do something he doesn’t want to do, hits and kicks others, deliberately annoys and hurts others, is extremely spiteful, screams and kicks me constantly.

ALWAYS. All day. Every day. It’s exhausting and it is hell. Yeah. I would’t have him again. Most people wouldn’t if they had to raise him. Just because I wouldn’t do this over again doesn’t mean I’m not committed to being a good dad and being present in their lives.

I just would not do it over again if I could redo my adult life. My first kid was not born at 24, I just said that because if I could do my whole post-University life differently, I would change some other things too (mainly career) and to be honest, after all this, I regret marrying my wife, which is why I said it that way.

Regarding calling the ADHD/ODD twin a nightmare, go google what that means. It is very difficult to manage and he has even been kicked out of three daycare places because they could not handle him and my parents even refuse to babysit him. We never get a break from home and no one can handle time.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

[Reddit User] −  Throwaway for this: I love my two daughters so much, but if I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t be a mom. It is still a big taboo to admit that having children isn’t the most amazing thing in the world, but for a lot of us, the lows far outweigh the highs.

I’d never ever tell my kids I feel this way, but I think this is something you should be able to be honest about with you partner in marriage counselling, and the fact she *told your child* this is disgusting.. NTA.

[Reddit User] −  Throwing for this: I’m in the same boat. Having my son ruined my life. My husband left me when she was a baby because he hated it and I was left a single mom. He dodges child support and my career is ruined because I have little support and had go onto the mommy track, I don’t get to do a thing for myself outside the house and my son has autism and is just….a handful and a really difficult kid.

I love him, but honestly, I’d command+Z my son if I could. NTA for feeling it or saying it, because like you say, you said it in marriage counselling, not to you kids. You would have been TA if you said it *to* the kids or where they could have heard you, but you didn’t.

[Reddit User] −  NTA you said it in a counseling session where you are supposed to be able to talk through these things and listen to your partner without judgment. Your wife was majorly in the wrong for taking a comment out of the session and telling a child. If she didn’t understand how you meant it, she should have discussed it further IN the session

ChibiSailorMercury −  WTF Your wife is trying to get to you by emotionally abusing and scarring the children.. NTA Also, see a lawyer about this. Where I live (not an English speaking, common law jurisdiction), it is called “parental alienation” and if proven in court, the custody goes to the parent who wasn’t causing the parental alienation. Maybe it is the same for you.

koeghls −  This is so sad. I’m so sorry. You’re NTA at all. A lot of parents feel exactly this way – you love your kids but you regret having them. That’s pretty normal, and so is the guilt associated with that feeling.

You’re doing the right thing by going to marriage counseling, and I suggest going to individual counseling as well. Your wife should not have ever said that to your child. I doubt they’ll ever forget hearing that.

piximelon −  NTA, your wife wouldn’t have been either if she hadn’t brought the child into this. What you said is obviously going to be upsetting for your wife to hear, and she had the right to feel whatever emotions about it, but she crossed a line big time.

OP, you are not an a**hole for admitting something that many parents feel, and I just want to tell you that it can and usually does get better. Our middle kid is diagnosed with ADHD and ODD so I really, truly feel for you. Someone who hasn’t dealt with a child like that has *no* idea.

Maybe it’s time to take all of that effort you’re using on your marriage, and use it for yourself instead like individual therapy or dedicating time to a hobby/just chill “me time”.

sadsadsadsad2018 −  NTA. The way society claims parenting is the best thing in the world is absolutely deceitful. No one is willing to discuss that being a parent can s**k, and for some people the “reward” isn’t worth it. As long as you do not tell your children you regret becoming a father you’re not TA. Your wife however is TA for telling them.

[Reddit User] −  NTA, your wife is a serious a**hole for saying that to a six year old, truly an a**sive and p**cho thing to put in a child’s head. As a 32 year old in a committed relationship where we do not want kids, I sympathize with how you feel.

My gf and I get all sorts of dirty looks and condescending remarks when we say that we do not want children. You sound committed to your children, but truly unhappy.

[Reddit User] −  NTA- I wish parents were more honest about the regret rate of having kids. It’s so bizarre that it isn’t talked about more. You did the right thing by getting it out rather than letting it fester.

[Reddit User] −  I think a lot of people attacking you for calling one of your children a “nightmare” have no experience with an ADHD & ODD child.. I have one. This is not normal 4 year old behaviour you’re talking about. This is normal 4 year old behaviour multiplied by 50. It’s a *lot*.

My ADHD & ODD child is 8, and I am going to be honest (hence the throwaway): I wouldn’t have had him if I knew he’d be this way. I love him, but I don’t *like* him. Something I’ve learned being his mom is that a lot of parents pat themselves on the back for their kid’s innate personalities.

“I raised a good kid”…..says the mom of the kid who is super chill and easy going by nature, or the kid who was just never a crier/tantrum thrower, or the kid who is quiet by nature etc. Unlike me. I clearly did something wrong, they assume. I didn’t.

My kid was just born this way the way your kid was born super easy. Also: NTA. It’s OK to not think parenting is worth it, and it is OK to be honest about that in marriage counselling. Your wife is 100% TA for telling your child what she did.

Do you think the user was wrong for expressing his regret during counseling, or should those feelings be allowed in a safe space like therapy? How should both parents handle the fallout, especially with the children involved? Share your thoughts in the comments below.