After 17 Years, I Told My Wife Our Roles Aren’t Equal – How Do I Get Through to Her?

A man in his 30s has been the sole provider for his family of six for 17 years, including working long hours and taking care of household chores. His partner, a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), wants to go on a two-week vacation with friends, which conflicts with a weekend trip he had planned with his brother.

After a heated argument, he feels he needs rest and is struggling to communicate this to his partner, who wants him to cancel his trip.

‘ After 17 Years, I Told My Wife Our Roles Aren’t Equal – How Do I Get Through to Her?’

Hi, I’ll try to keep this short. Both in our 30’s and have been together 17 years. I Male 30’s am the sole provider for my family of 6. (Partner and 4 kids. 2 high energy dogs.) I work five days a week and sometimes work on weekends if we need a little more cash.

My partner is a SAHM and hasn’t worked since our eldest was born. (By her own choice) I wake up at 5am and take the dogs out. Prepare kids lunches/snacks, ensure all school essentials such as bags etc are at front door then head to work in a physically demanding job.

Kids are picked up for day care / school at 7.. due to after school activities and clubs etc they’re not home until 6. I come home at 7 and make dinner most nights. Help with homework, do Beth time for the little ones, do dishes, take dogs out for longer walk again, put little ones in bed if the house is a mess, I will of course clean it.

I pay for everything, mortgage, bills, insurance , groceries, clothes, toys, technology, after school activities, dates, a woman to deep clean the house once a month. My partner wants to go on a two week long vacation with her friends which will overlap with the weekend away I had planned with my brother who I rarely get to see as we live so far away.

She wants me to cancel my trip as “she’s tired and needs a break.” We got into an argument over it in which unkind things were said on both sides but I am unwilling to budge on this. How do I get through to her that I need some rest?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

gruntbuggly −  Your wife isn’t tired. She’s bored. Which is its own kind of fatigue. And you sound more like a single father of 5, than a married father of 4.

PermaThrowaway111 −  I think at this point you should ask her what she does on a daily basis. If your kids are out of the house from 7am to 6pm most days, what is she doing? It may seem petty, but what you need to is to chart down every responsibility you have and what you do in the household for the next week or so.

Everything from going to work, to cleaning, cooking and putting the kids to bed. Everything. Then you compare notes with her week and why she thinks you should do more around the house.

SupermarketOk9538 −  So she basiaclly do nothing and want a break while you working your ass 24 off for like everything… I think the “trip” is not the only problem here…

VinylHighway −  What is she bringing to this relationship ?

TacoStrong −  So she’s free 7-6pm almost every day? Dude, why are you doing most of the heavy lifting here? This is nuts and unbalanced if this is real. I can’t even imagine….

T00narmy1 −  You had plans for that weekend first. That’s it. That’s how it goes in relationships. You planned a trip, scheduled the dates, have it already on the calendar. You were first. She can either have her friends reschedule, or she can skip this particular trip. That’s how I would approach it, personally.

And if she fights you on it, I would stand firm and offer to go to counseling to sort out the disconnect here, but nothing else (don’t offer to compromise). Asking you to cancel your trip so she can take hers would need a really really good reason (a dying friend, a big reunion that can’t be rescheduled, she’s dealing with grief,

you know something understandable) and that’s simply not the case here. She just doesn’t want to miss this trip with her friends. And I get that, I really do. But she’s being selfish by asking you to miss YOURS. Very selfish actually – Is this a pattern of hers? Because you know you don’t have to put up with that.

Just refuse to cancel your trip. But I will say that you clearly have resentment building towards her over how little she is contributing (or how little you think she is contributing) to the family, and it will eventually blow up if you leave it alone. Counseling to communicate about this better would likely help your relationship.

SnooWords4839 −  Sounds like wife needs a job, not a vacation. How is she paying for her trip?

notoriousdad −  Maybe you let her go for two weeks, realize that you don’t need her in your life, that the family doesn’t miss her, and you have divorce papers ready when she returns. The dynamic between you isn’t likely to change. Nobody in her shoes adopts a lazy, do nothing, no responsibilities lifestyle then agrees to share all the duties and responsibilities without a life shock.

Business-Box-253 −  Your kids are in daycare and school everyday? You have a house cleaner….. you make all the meals… sounds like you don’t need a wife.

LouisV25 −  This isn’t a partnership. She’s using you to fund her life with not a care or concern about you as a man. This isn’t the way a marriage should work. Get out now.