I (25F) am so tired of being psychoanalyzed by my boyfriend (24M)

A Redditor (25F) is growing frustrated with her boyfriend (24M), who constantly psychoanalyzes her, often in a patronizing way. What started as a sweet way of getting to know her has turned into a constant guessing game about her emotions and past experiences.

Despite repeatedly asking him to stop, he brushes it off as harmless fun or insists she’s just uncomfortable facing “hard truths.” Now, she’s wondering how to address this behavior without jeopardizing an otherwise happy relationship. Read the full story below:

‘ I (25F) am so tired of being psychoanalyzed by my boyfriend (24M)’

A little over a year ago, when we first started dating, my boyfriend said something to the effect of “I’m really good at noticing things about people that they can’t – or won’t – acknowledge themselves.” I shrugged it off because whatever. And he’s a great boyfriend; we’re perfectly happy otherwise. But it’s started to become a problem.

My boyfriend has been psychoanalyzing me with increasing frequency, and I’m losing my mind. He’ll assume he knows why I’m feeling a certain way or doing a certain thing, and he tends to treat it like a “Gotcha!” situation. Telling him that he’s wrong is impossible.

For example. We recently watched the new Invisible Man movie together. For those who haven’t seen it, the major plot point is that the main character is being tormented by an unseen force, and no one believes her. There’s this awesome moment of vindication when everyone finally realizes that she was telling the truth, but then they turn around and doubt her about one small detail.

As we were watching, I said something to the effect of, “Wow, that’s really obnoxious. She turned out to be right about the first thing – why would they doubt her about this?” My boyfriend paused the movie, looked at me like a parent who’s comforting a five-year-old who’s just fallen off a bike, and said, “Are you frustrated because you can relate?

Has there been a time when no one believed you?” I pointed out that the movie was *meant* to frustrate the audience and that my feelings weren’t that deep, but he got all “Sure, Jan,” so I let it drop. When we first started dating, these remarks didn’t bother me. I thought it was sweet, it seemed like he was using these questions as an opportunity to get to know me.

But now it just feels very patronizing, like he’s constantly trying to suggest that I’m burdened by some deep trauma. Another example – we were watching some random thing on Netflix last night, and he stepped out for a moment. When he came back in, he tackled me (not in a particularly aggressive way, he’s just an avid cuddler).

I expressed annoyance (I said “Was that necessary?”) because I’m covered in bruises and road rash from a recent accident, and he’d hurt me (plus, I was eating something and he knocked it to the floor). He sighed and said, “You’re just upset because the girl in the movie is getting bullied, you don’t have to take it out on me.”

It finally came to a head today. We were walking to the store, and I was telling a funny story about my siblings watching Phineas and Ferb. I asked if he’d seen it, to which he responded, “No, I stopped watching kid shows when I was 12.” I replied that I did, too, but that I have younger siblings and so I know the premise. He stopped walking and asked in a weird therapist tone, “Do you like kid shows?

Is this a form of regression? Is that why you play Pokemon?” I calmly responded that I was starting to get frustrated, and asked him to please stop. He put his arm around me comfortingly and, in the same tone, said, “I’m done, I’m done, it’s okay.” I pointed out that he wasn’t stopping, but he just kept using the same tone to say it was okay.

I ended up shaking his arm off of me, turning around, and walking back home without him. He came home and insisted that he’s just messing around, and he said he’s just referencing the study module that we’re in (FTR, we’re both in medical school and we’ve just finished our psychiatry rotation). But he’s done this for over a year now, and it feels very belittling.

I’m older than him, just as intelligent as he is, and I’ve also brought this up before. He knows I hate it. But whenever I express annoyance, he kinda takes on the attitude of “Yeah, I know it’s uncomfortable to realize hard things about yourself sometimes.”

HOWEVER. I know he’s not doing it to be n**arious. It doesn’t happen THAT frequently, just more now that we spend our time at home together. And also I’m a little hormonal. And we really are genuinely happy in every other regard. So I need to know. What do I do from here?

This update: [UPDATE] I (25F) am so tired of being psychoanalyzed by my boyfriend (24M)

See what others had to share with OP:

lkay2398 −  I mean, next time he does that to you, you could always respond in the same tone: “Does needing to find a deep hidden meaning behind my actions make you feel helpful? Do you think subconsciously you wanted to help someone psychologically in the past and you’re just not remembering? Is this evidence of past trauma? Let’s explore this.” Edit: thanks friends for the awards!!

[Reddit User] −  \ “Yeah, I know it’s uncomfortable to realize hard things about yourself sometimes.” You know what I’d say back to something like that? “I think there’s a really uncomfortable and hard thing you need to realize about yourself. Your constant belittling comments and penchant for armchair psychology has created a pattern of insidious behavior that is so unbearable to be around,

I’m starting to reconsider our relationship. If you don’t take it upon yourself to correct these behavioral “bad habits”, you’re not going to have an easy time with things.”
Real talk here. While the snapbacks may be satisfying and shut him up for a bit, it’s not a long term solution. If you want this, or any relationship to work out in the long run, your standard for communication is going to have to change.

When one partner expresses that behavior is hurtful, “get over it” is not going to fly as a response. You cannot accept that kind of answer from him nor should he be giving it. You guys have to learn to clearly to communicate, listen (not just hear), set and uphold healthy boundaries, and respond respectfully. Not only will it make you better people, it will also make you better doctors.

Like seriously, if he acted like this in a clinical setting he’d be a f**king liability. Nailing healthy communication and productive ways of working through conflict will save you a world of hurt in the long run. A licensed professional can help you guys with that. For many folks, that kind of emotional intelligence is a learned skill.

[Reddit User] −  He honestly aounds like a 15 year old who read the wikipedia article about Freud and now feels like the s**t.

BrodinOfBrohalla −  My best advice is that whenever he psychoanalyses you like that do it right back to him. Does he do it because of an inferiority complex? Could it be linked to a type of n**cissism? Could he have ICD (Impulsive Control Disorder). The point is at the end of the day he’s making you feel bad and he doesn’t care. That is a big problem. P.S. I think his behavior is extremely childish and I play Pokémon.

womp-womp-rats −  He sounds insecure. He’s not “analyzing” you. He’s belittling you as a way of putting you in your place. I have no doubt that, as you say, you are just as smart as him, if not smarter — _that’s why he does this._

Blythey −  As an actual psychologist I have to say that 1) that isn’t how you psychoanalyse people, annoying your clients would make for a really s**tty therapeutic relationship and 2) don’t treat your partners, family or friend’s like clients. I would spend a moment reflecting on what happens when he does it to you.

Why is it so i**olerable? Is it because he isn’t treating you like a partner, is it because he isn’t respecting your opinions, is it because he values his opinions over yours, is it because he deliberately goes against what you say… What is going on that makes it so bad? And tell him that.

Because when you tell him to stop or that it’s annoying he is obviously not getting that this isn’t about him “triggering” you. This is about him being a bad partner. See how he reacts to that. If he won’t stop after you explain that (hopefully he will!) this feels disrespectful/un-partner-like etc then I would say that’s a redflag that his ego hasn’t got room for you…

As a last resort (and I say this not as a psychologist giving advice but as a woman who has dealt with men thinking they know everything better than me), if you really don’t want to break up, try giving him “a taste of his own medicine” and using it to encourage some reflection and discussion from him (& if that still doesn’t work, maybe that would be enough red flags?).

Edit to add – this shouldn’t be passive aggressive and I’ve explained more in another comment below. Some ideas: “Why is it that you can’t handle me expressing some disappointment with your behaviour? Why must you make that about me? Is criticism i**olerable for you?” “It’s strange that you want to think of me as a patient… what do you think that says about you? Our relationship?”

“Don’t you think it’s strange that you can’t see a perfectly normal reason for my perfectly normal behaviour? I wonder why you are always seeing life through an “abnormal” lens?” “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar”. “I think you should reflect on why this bothers you so much”

legsylexi −  Wow I literally could not date someone who did this, even hearing you describe it makes my skin crawl. It’s patronising and not funny, and most importantly, you have REPEATEDLY ASKED HIM TO STOP and he hasn’t.

Either (a) he genuinely doesn’t understand how much it frustrates you, which means he doesn’t listen to you or ignores what you say, or (b) he’s doing it deliberately to frustrate you and p**s you off. I think it’s the latter but either one makes him a d**che.. Edit: a typo

[Reddit User] −  Im not sure if hes just patronising or if hes trying to gaslight you but i wouldn’t be able to put up with someone constantly assuming they know better than me about my own emotions and experiences.

Emendatus −  Starts with “he’s a great boyfriend”, continues with various ways in which he sounds annoying af. Personally, I’d psychoanalyse him back. “So Bob, why do you feel you need to analyse this situation, does it make you feel better than other people?” But then, I’m annoying too. If you think he’s otherwise worth it, then yes, you probably have to get over it. Not like you haven’t tried talking to him.

jeffp12 −  Sounds very /r/iamverysmart

Psychoanalysis in relationships can quickly shift from insightful to irritating, especially when it dismisses a partner’s own perspective. Should she confront him more directly or reconsider the relationship? What advice would you give? Share your thoughts in the comments.