Me [36 M] with my wife [36 F] : She wants to have a gay guy friend come over and sleep in our bed and cuddle with her while I’m out of town. I got weird about it. Am I being unreasonable?

A man (36M) shares a conflict with his wife (36F) about her desire to have a gay male friend stay over, sleep in their bed, and cuddle with her while he is out of town. While the wife insists it’s harmless and not sexual, the man feels uncomfortable with the situation, especially since they don’t know the friend very well.

Instead of respecting his feelings, the wife pushed back, calling him “vanilla” and invalidating his concerns. Now, the man questions whether he’s being unreasonable for setting boundaries and seeks perspectives from others.

‘ Me [36 M] with my wife [36 F] : She wants to have a gay guy friend come over and sleep in our bed and cuddle with her while I’m out of town. I got weird about it. Am I being unreasonable?’

I know and met the guy. He’s a nice guy. You would never guess him to be gay in any way. He and my wife clicked right away. Anyway, we don’t know him that well. We’ve hung out maybe 4 times. My wife asked me right out if I would care if he came over when I was out of town and slept with her. Said there was nothing wrong with cuddling with a gay man.

Actually went on to say that she could have a full-on emotional relationship with someone without it being s**ual (which geez kinda sounds like an emotional affair to me). So I got weird about it. Not sure why exactly, but I’m not comfortable with another guy in my bed with my wife when I’m not there. Gay or straight.

Perhaps it’s worth mentioning that he was straight most of his life. Perhaps it isn’t. The thing that bothers me most is that she didn’t say “Ok, thank you for sharing your boundary with me. I wont push the issue.” — She *did* push the issue. Argued as to why I was wrong about it.

Brought up past relationships of mine when I was with “more alternative people” and called me “vanilla.” The whole exchange left me seething for a myriad of reasons beyond the original discussion. I began to feel as if my feelings (even if they WERE old school or unreasonable) were Invalid. Never a good feel.

What’s your take? Am I being unreasonable about the whole thing? Would you let a gay man sleep and cuddle in your bed with your wife while you weren’t there? Why or why not? What if the tables were turned? For the ladies out there, would you let your husband sleep and cuddle with a gay woman while you were out of town? Thank you in advance.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

shelbyknits −  Cuddling with my husband is my job and my job only. I would flip out if he wanted to have a lesbian friend over for snuggles. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Cuddling and snuggling are very emotionally intimate.

StyxFerryman −  No. /thread 🙂

[Reddit User] −  Hell no you’re not. She is. That is an utterly ridiculous request.

AurelianoTampa −  She did push the issue. Argued as to why I was wrong about it. Brought up past relationships of mine when I was with “more alternative people” and called me “vanilla.”
Honestly, at that point I would have stopped the conversation and asked “What is really going on here?” This sounds much deeper than “you won’t let my gay friend cuddle with me.”

It sounds like she has some issues with the relationship that she’s refused to communicate (or tried to communicate and was blown off), and now they’re bubbling to the surface as smaller things. Am I being unreasonable about the whole thing?

Not remotely. But considering you stating your discomfort led to a myriad of other issues coming to the surface, it sounds like there’s a lot more of a problem than her wanting gay guy cuddle time.

Tenebrous1 −  Gay or straight it doesn’t matter. You are having a third party enter your private marital space and sharing intimacy with your wife, male or female, gay or straight its something you as a couple should only share with one another. The fact that she invalidated your feelings is a big red flag.

It would also cause me pause in that I get the feeling that she would do it anyway even without your permission. If that is the case then you have bigger problems in your marriage than this.

BurleyQGirl −  I’m mostly hung up on the fact that she’s a grown-ass woman approaching forty and apparently can’t stay overnight by herself without having someone come over to “cuddle” her. I know a lot of people don’t sleep as well without their SO but sometimes our partners do go out of town, grow the f**k up and deal.

I don’t have any problem believing the dude is gay or think anything s**ual is going on but the whole “I could have a full-on emotional relationship with someone else with no s**” would be kind of worrisome to me. You certainly could, but…you shouldn’t really? Because you’re married and aren’t supposed to glom on to whoever’s closest for emotional fulfillment just because your partner’s not right in front of you? Eh.

arcxiii −  She is g**lighting you now to try and get you to compromise. What she is talking about would be inappropriate regardless of s**ual preference and sounds like she may already be in some kind of emotional affair with this guy.

Be clear and direct with your boundaries, you are not being unreasonable. You should have a conversation with her about their friendship and about why she feels she needs that kind of intimate contact with someone other than you.

MrBleah −  Wife wants to have a gay guy friend come over and sleep in our bed with her while I’m out of town. **I got weird about it.** Am I being unreasonable?. No, you got normal about it.

Montaron87 −  Are you sure he’s gay? Or did she just say he was to make you feel at ease? Regardless, grown women shouldn’t be cuddling and sleeping in a bed with men (gay or straight) who aren’t their partners unless the partner specifically consents. She’s being ridiculous

justjusticeice −  Thanks for the responses everyone. This morning she has done a 180, apologized for disrespecting my boundaries and assured me this will never happen. I brought up many of your points to her this morning. Opened the conversation about whether or not she felt there was intimacy missing in our own marriage. She emphatically said no to this.

I told her how disrespected and belittled and “shaken” I was over the whole thing. She said she felt badly and apologized again. She was drinking last night. I will say her demeanor changes quite a lot with alcohol. I wouldn’t call her an a**oholic, but we do drink many nights a week. Socially like most people do.

As far as moving forward, I’ll continue to be open and honest with her about my feelings. I will continue to call her out when I feel as though she’s disrespecting my feelings. And yes, I’ll be watching the situation closely. Thank you all again for the advice. And for the validation. Good to know I’m not alone and not irrational. At the end of the day my needs are pretty simple.