I (29M) need to establish some new boundaries after my mom (57F) was aggressive towards my wife (28F). Would it be appropriate to talk to my dad (57M) about it first?
A Reddit user (29M) is dealing with tension between his pregnant wife (28F) and his mother (57F). After his mother snapped at his wife during a conversation about planning the baby shower, the user wants to set clearer boundaries with his mom,
including limiting her involvement if she continues to be disrespectful. He is considering whether it would be appropriate to discuss the issue first with his father (57M), who is married to the mother. Read the original story below:
‘ I (29M) need to establish some new boundaries after my mom (57F) was aggressive towards my wife (28F). Would it be appropriate to talk to my dad (57M) about it first?’
My wife is pregnant and my mother offered to throw her a baby shower. This has now turned into a dramatic nightmare. My relationship with my mom is already strained because she has never been a kind person, and she has some narcissistic tendencies. This week she told my wife what she planned on doing for the big food item at the shower.
My wife said it sounded good, then said if my mom still needed sides and treats, my wife found a mom’s craving table idea, and sent 4 snack-like items she has been craving. My mom then snapped at her and said “Did I ask for your input? Why don’t you just show up and be happy?”
We were very taken aback and I have no idea where it came from. It is kind of the last straw and I want to set some new boundaries. My mother needs to know that she doesn’t get to see her grandchild unless we say she can, and for her to be invited she cannot act like that.
Would it be appropriate to talk to my dad about this first? My thought is I want to explain that he didn’t do anything wrong and I’m sorry if this affects how much he gets to see his grandchild (my parents are still married)
Here’s what Redditors had to say:
QuitaQuites − No. You go directly to your mom and you do it without your wife present. You can speak to your parents together, but you tell them the boundaries and why and you also, with the wife’s permission here, tell her the shower she is throwing is cancelled, or you just won’t be there. I’m surprised you haven’t said anything to your mom in that moment or yet about the way ag spoke to your wife.
redditavenger2019 − I would not ask my dad. I would tell him the new boundaries and why. I would also cancel any baby shower hosted by mom.
madommouselfefe − I have been in your wife’s position, my Mother in law has done some n**ty things. I would defiantly suggest NOT going to your father first. Instead talking to both of them, without your wife present. I say without your wife because there is a chance your mom or parents, will say some horrible stuff about your wife.
It’s not that your wife shouldn’t know what is said, it’s that it is YOUR job to deal with your family. Your wife has enough to deal with, this is on you. So get that backbone of yours ready to be taking some pressure. And be prepared to stand your ground.
It is common for family to remember and treat us like we are at a certain age, usually to exert power and control over us. ie treating you like your 15 because at that age your mom had power over you. Don’t fall for it, you are and adult and about to be a father. Stand up for yourself and demand to be recognized as a adult.
Expect to hear your mom say “ I am your mother.” “ you have to do what I say.” She is not going to want to give up her power, especially if she has Narc tendencies. She may cry, scream, plead, and demand, but you can not bend. So have a plan before you walk in there and stick to it. Your father may choose to stand by his wife, that is his choice. Or he may side with you, he is an adult it is his choice.
Regardless of what your dad does it’s time for boundaries. I would suggest putting your mom and dad in a “time out.” Yes both of them, they are a couple they get to be treated as one. The point of “ time out” is that you and your wife has zero contact with your parents. None, they don’t call to bother or stop by. They get to sit over in their area being quite, because your mom did a bad thing.
This allows you and your wife have a set amount of time ( at least 3 weeks) so you two can come up with boundaries that you want away from your mom. I say 3 weeks because the first week or so there is a chance your mom is not going to behave well. This will help be an indicator on how Strong your boundaries need to be.
Expect calls, from not only your mom but other family members as well. All with the intent on trying to shame/ guilt you back into line. DO NOT fall for it, stand strong for your family. If you ever need support or a place to vent r/JUSTNOMIL is a sub for people with difficult moms as well as Mother in laws.
incognitothrowaway1A − Are you afraid of your mom? If not why do you want to talk to your dad first? Your mother needs to know she can’t treat you or your wife badly. I think you are in the wrong sub — you should be over at justnomil. It is your job to protect your wife and your kids FROM your mom. You deal with it.
maps2001 − You need to stand up to your mother, asking your father to do it for you is a sign of weakness.
UnsightlyFuzz − Good luck with this one! I feel so sorry for your wife. I did not have a narcissistic mother but I did have a narcissistic sister. At one of her grandchildren’s birthday parties she showed up with a clipboard and expected all the mom’s to sign some petition she was passing around. And we could go on…
It would be appropriate to talk to your dad about it, but don’t be too surprised if he can’t take your side of the story. He has been putting up with your mother for a long time. His attitude may be, “Oh that’s just how she is.”
LeBronzeFlamez − Jesus tell your mom she has been uninvited from the babyshower. It is a perfect way to start new boundaries. It is not that hard to move it to another location Even if invites are out. If you just talk to your mom she will either see that actions dont have consequences and/or ruin the babyshower.
[Reddit User] − My mom then snapped at her and said “Did I ask for your input? Why don’t you just show up and be happy?” If my MIL said that to me, I wouldn’t show up at all. Stand up for your wife, on your own. If you have your dad try to run interference and reel his wife in, she probably won’t take him seriously and will continue to treat your wife like s**t.
latenerd − No. You can tell your dad after the fact. If you mom is in her 50s and still acting this way, clearly your dad either isn’t trying or isn’t able to restrain her. It’s OK to set boundaries with your mom and it shouldn’t be delayed. If you want to make it clear to dad afterwards that you aren’t trying to restrict his access, that is fine, but keep in mind he may decide to exhibit enabling behavior.
asoifnerd − I’ve read the post, comments, and your replies. It doesn’t matter that invitations have already been sent. You cancel it or have your own and do not show up at the one your mom planned. First off, your mom knew what she was doing with that comment. To continue to have a baby shower with your mom or to even have your mom at the shower LETS HER WIN and thinks she could continue to do this.
Second, this is a party to honor and love your wife and baby. It should 100% be your wife’s decision on what food, decorations, style, location, and guest. If your mom says otherwise she is lying to you and trying to gaslight you guys. This is where you start the boundary. You move the baby shower to a new location. Let guest know.
Then YOU call your mom and say “mom. That behavior was uncalled for and rude. This baby shower is for wife and her request and opinions matter for this event. Because of your behavior you are no longer throwing a shower for us and we will not be attending any shower you are involved in”.
Here is the thing. Your mom will “melt down” over this. It may look a different depending on what she thinks she can get away with. Because she knows that if she puts out a big enough fit then you will bow down. And it’s time to show her that she cannot control you or manipulate you.
Because that’s what she is doing. Harsh words and abrasive comments are used to make you back down. Tears, anger, threats are also tactics used to make you change your mind.. Be prepared for: 1. “How could you do this to me! I’m your mother! I’ve done so much for you and just want to do this one thing for you” – this is guilt.
2. “Fine! I’ll never do anything for you ever again!” – guilt/and threat. 3. “I guess I’m just such a bad mother” – guilt. 4. “If you do this to me I’ll never do anything for you ever again” – threat 5. “I just wanted her to be grateful! I’m spending so much money and can’t afford the extras she wants” – this is a “im not worng” manipulation tactic.
If she couldn’t afford it, a normal response would have been “I’ve spent a lot on this already. I might not can make that work, but I’ll see what I can do”. So do not allow your boundaries to drop with this statement. 6. “If you do this, I’ll never help with the kid”. -threat. And she is lying. Women can’t stay away from babies.
7. Or just be prepared for her to turn this around on your wife with “I didn’t say that. She misunderstood me. What I meant was…..” – don’t fall for that. Thats the classic narcissist phrase move. She is trying to damage control. Also think of how to respond to all these statements. Maybe another redditor can help. But whatever you do, don’t go to that shower.
Family dynamics can be challenging, especially when trying to set boundaries for the sake of your relationship and child. How would you handle a situation where a loved one crosses a line with your partner? Should the user speak to his dad first, or approach his mom directly? Share your thoughts below.