Partner (33F) and I (24F), together almost 3 years. We’re talking marriage, but my parents (50’s) still politely refuse to meet her.

A Reddit user shared a heartfelt dilemma about navigating family dynamics while planning a future with her long-term partner. Despite being together for nearly three years and discussing marriage, her parents remain polite but distant, refusing to fully acknowledge or meet her partner. Now, she’s struggling to balance her deep love for her family with her commitment to her relationship. Read the full story below to see how she’s grappling with these emotional challenges.

‘ Partner (33F) and I (24F), together almost 3 years. We’re talking marriage, but my parents (50’s) still politely refuse to meet her.’

I’m seeking some advice about navigating a complex family dynamic while trying to understand my own wants and desires. Sam (alias) and I are happy. My family is happy. But my family has no desire to meet or interact with Sam, and Sam is no stranger to familial n**lect.

As she only maintains a relationship with her sister who lives out of state, she is content with our urban, queer nuclear family (two moms, a pupper and cat.) I could get into Sam’s family history (and type furiously) but suffice it to say, she is a success story in SPITE of her mother and extended family.

Naturally, she’s not keen on “family” and had a lot of hesitation surrounding marriage in the first place. We’ve been seeing a couple’s therapist to set up our relationship with a strong foundation and work out any issues before the big C. (*Commiiiitment*)

I had the opposite experience growing up. Had it not been for my family’s attention and care, I would not be half the woman I am today. The reason I am able to communicate with you all is because of the sacrifices my parents made to ensure we moved to a country with better economic opportunities. We’re immigrants from a small latin country– family is everything.

Of course there’s tension because I’m queerful, but it’s been 6 years since the other big C (*cooming oouut*) and my parents have grown more tolerant. My partner never comes up in conversation nor do they inquire about my personal life.

They know of her, know we bought a house and raised a dog (they love the dog) but they’re always side stepping calling her my SO. Occasionally, my mother humors me when I talk about her, but she’s not enthused. It may not be the right time, but I at least have been pushing for Sam to join the family for Christmas. No promises were made, just hand wavy maybes.

Sam would like to be included, in the sort of way someone entertains fanciful fantasies. She wants to impress my family, hang out with my sisters (they have come to the house once before. They’re supportive.) However, she is fine waiting until they’re more receptive.

Am I pushing too much? Am I not pushing enough? Is there a timeline with these things, or an order of operations? I don’t want to put wedding plans on hold because my family hasn’t exactly gotten to know the bride yet. Sam isn’t crazy about weddings anyway.

The big kicker is telling my parents about getting hitched. The even bigger kicker is having to tell my Dad we’re doing a post-nup (like a pre-nup, but after the wedding.) Can’t avoid that one since I’m going to need his access to a lawyer. How do I work up the courage to ask for respect and inclusion?. Thanks so much in advance.

TL;DR You don’t have to be gay to understand how upsetting it can be to know your relationship will never be celebrated by your parents.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

fightmaxmaster −  You can’t make them OK with it, all you can do is let them know what’s happening, that you’d like them to be included, what your expectations are, etc. They’ll either get on board or not. Ultimately adulthood is taken, not granted, and dealing with your parents as equal adults rather than some higher authority is a big part of that.

Their acceptance or lack of it doesn’t have to determine your life choices. It doesn’t even have to be an ultimatum, but it may end up playing out like one, whereby if they persist in avoiding your girlfriend, then fiancee, then wife, they’ll end up having minimal relationship with you as well. That’s not you making them choose, that’s just a decision they’re making.

fakeusername3456 −  I wouldn’t attend family events where my partner wasn’t welcome. Flat out. Are you actually planning on going to your family’s place for holidays and leaving your partner at home? That’s really cold to do to someone you claim to love, who already has experienced familial n**lect.

[Reddit User] −  I’m going to need his access to a lawyer. Why? Why can’t you find your own? Why is he the gatekeeper here? Why does he need to be involved? Trustfunds or something?

[Reddit User] −  Nothing polite about homophobia.

fakenamesarefun101 −  Just curious, why do a post-nup instead of a pre-nup? Seems like you would get a lot more protection doing it before the marriage starts.

kagekitsune116 −  I had an ex who told me once that wherever she was I was welcome. This is the girl I was closest to marrying and still think about from time to time and I love the sentiment. Basically if someone wasn’t okay with me then they weren’t okay with her.

I can’t imagine having a partner who was so okay excluding me from their family. IMO you should stick by your partner more, grow a little more spine when it comes to your parents. Btw your parents don’t respect her or your relationships from the looks of this post. Ask all you want in any way you want, but be prepared for them to say no

MLeek −  You can push your parents harder, and they may be receptive and they may not be… we can’t really know. However, you can access a lawyer on your damn own, can’t you? And you can tell them you’re getting married.

Tell them with the joy you feel, and invite them to be a part of that joy. Don’t ask them what they think. They can show and be supportive, or not. Those are their options.

Then, if the family is important to you and Sam, work your other angles! Your sisters are supportive. Invite them around more often. Let your parents feel a bit left out of the “family” you are creating with those who are fully supportive. Keep inviting the parents. Keep insisting they be more than merely tolerant if they are gonna show.

Stop pushing for a Chrismas invite. Even most straight couples don’t start with Christmas invites if they can help it. That’s intense. Invite your parents to brunch or something.

You’ve allowed this stalemate to go on for far too long. You’re not going to know the answers to the questions of how tolerant your parents really are until you ask them to step out of the comfortable in-between space you’ve all left them in for years.

Maybe they’ll surprise you. Maybe they won’t. Either way, you won’t be able to make the plans you want too with any certainty, until you start — not pushing ’em necessarily — but inviting them in, knowing that invite might be a challege.

You need to stop leaving the ball in thier court because they are most comfortable just not picking it up. If your invitations and joy get met with judgement and refusal, go ahead with your life without them. Hope they’ll join you when they are ready too.

mb34i −  Also, the services of a lawyer are voluntary (you and the lawyer meet, and the two of you agree to enter a client-lawyer relationship, because part of it is a formal agreement from the lawyer that he/she will have your best interests at heart).

So Dad’s lawyer may or may not agree to have you as a client, if Dad is a client, depending on whether there’s a conflict of interest there. And it sounds like there may be. You may have to find a lawyer not associated with Dad.

codeverity −  I mean, with all due respect OP, it sounds like you’re being a bit of a doormat about this. You’ve been together three years, it’s past time for you to be firm with your parents. They’re not being polite – there’s nothing ‘polite’ about refusing to meet their child’s SO just because of their gender, there’s nothing polite about them ‘sidestepping’ refusing to call her your SO.

You really need to draw boundaries and expectations with your family because while it sounds like Sam has been more than understanding and accommodating, that’s only going to last so long. Not to mention that this may be hurting or damaging her and your relationship more than you think, or certainly has the potential to if it continues to go on.

It’s time for you to talk to your family, make it clear that Sam isn’t going anywhere and that you expect more of them as your family. It sounds as though your family is being ‘tolerant’ by shoving their heads firmly in the sand about the reality of your relationship.

[Reddit User] −  I don’t find their behavior to be polite, as you claim in your title, in the slightest. Just because they’re not out-and-out mean doesn’t make their behavior any less a**hole-y. It’s bigotry, prejudice and homophobia, it’s not polite or kind.

This is the person you have built a home and a life with and they refuse to meet her. That’s blatant disrespect. While being angry and bitter isn’t going to help, it’s OK to not be OK with that. You don’t have to be so damn understanding of their bigotry.

Honestly, if I was with someone for that long, had a home and pets, and my partner continued to tiptoe around the issue with their family, I’d be eyeing the door. If my partner wanted to marry me but wouldn’t tell their family, I’d be eyeing the door; I would never be OK with being someone’s dirty little secret when I was not the problem.

You can’t make these people accept your partner, but you also don’t have to continue to walk on eggshells about this. Your partner should come first. It sounds like it’s well past time to take a stand on this and be open with them. Whether they deal with it well is beyond your control, but keeping quiet shouldn’t be an option at this point.

If they are unwilling to acknowledge your partner, it might be time to start limiting contact with them. And I would not attend family gatherings where my partner was not welcome.

Right now they’re essentially making you choose between them and your partner (at least while you are with them), and you are choosing them. You need to take a hard look at your priorities here. You should have your partner’s back on this.

Navigating family acceptance can be a long and challenging process, especially when cultural traditions and personal values collide. Do you think the user should keep pushing for inclusion, or is it better to wait until her family is more receptive? How would you handle sharing big life events with family members who remain distant? Share your thoughts and advice in the comments below!