My [22F] boyfriend [32M] has trouble controlling his anger and has untreated mental health issues?

A Reddit user, a 22-year-old woman, shared her concerns about her relationship with her 32-year-old boyfriend, who struggles with untreated mental health issues and trouble managing his anger. In a recent incident, his frustration escalated into yelling and verbal outbursts, leaving her hurt and questioning their dynamic.

Despite her attempts to set boundaries around being yelled at, his behavior continues to trigger her, and she worries about its long-term implications. While she empathizes with his struggles, she’s unsure if his actions reflect deeper issues, including potential emotional manipulation, or if it’s solely a result of his untreated mental health challenges.

‘ My [22F] boyfriend [32M] has trouble controlling his anger and has untreated mental health issues?’

I’ve [22F] been with my boyfriend [32M] for about two and a half years. We don’t live together. Here’s a situation. The other day I offered to pay for some things at the store for him. I told him this as we got to the store. Roughly 20-30 minutes go by and he lets me know that he had a panic attack (crying, anxiety) and wanted to leave ASAP.

He goes to the cashier to pay for some things and I was standing there not really thinking, and he pulls out his wallet so I’m assuming he’s just going to pay for his things. He turns around and asks if I could pay. I said “Oh okay” and I guess I didn’t sound enthusiastic or happy, in reality I just was in my own head (I wasn’t remembering how I said I’d pay earlier.

I had plenty of money and was 100% okay with paying though) and I take my card to put it in the machine and he gently pushed my hand away and pays for it himself. I could tell he was upset and dazed and the cashier informed him that a bag would cost extra money. He grabbed his things, turned around,

kind of yelled something at the cashier about how the store is taking advantage of poor people, and started storming out and THREW his change on the ground. I awkwardly speed walked behind him to go to his car. Basically as soon as I got into the car he was yelling about how s**tty it was of me to put him in that position,

and I explained that I fully intended that I meant to pay for his things (they weren’t neccesities, if that’s relevent) but I was just zoned out and didn’t pay immidiately. He accused me of not meaning what I said and spiraled into a rant about how people don’t mean what they say. He has mental health issues (a lot of it stemming from financial issues, being betrayed,

PTSD and depression in general I think) and I understand how those affect people’s behavior, but I have expressed so many times that it triggers me when he yells at me or throws/breaks things. When he started driving he was crying and laid on the horn for 10 seconds straight.

I stayed calm and when he was yelling and crying about life being s**tty (I get it I do) I said calmly but also with some resistance, “Well don’t take it out on me.” And he meanly says “F**k you” and then immidiately goes “I didn’t mean it I’m not mad at you I’m mad at the world.” I don’t know.

I’m going to talk to my therapist about this tonight and I’ve talked to my close friends about how he has a pattern of having mental health episodes (particularly being triggered) and exploding at my verbally. When I say that he breaks and throws things sometimes it’s never directed at me but has been done in my presence at least 2 times.

Whenever I read about partners breaking/throwing things, people say that will escelate to them assaulting me. I have empathy for this because I’ve struggled with self harm in the past and understand that anger management is hard to learn on your own. I’ve been seeking treatment for my severe mental health issues for over 2 years now,

my boyfriend does not seem therapy for a lot of reasons mainly financial. When I texted him the next day and I explained that I was really hurt with what happened the day before, he said that I was guilting him and that “Somehow everything is always about you.” I’m just not sure what to make of all this.

I’ve set my boundary so many times that I 100% can not handle being yelled at, even if it’s not “directed” towards me. He doesn’t do name calling every time or blaming but it still triggers me. I think it stems from poor coping mechanisms, I know that I can’t change him. But I don’t want to believe that’s he’s manipulating me or trying to upset me on purpose.. Thanks for reading.

See what others had to share with OP:

0biterdicta −  Your boyfriend started dating a teenager because he was looking for someone willing to put up with his issues and women his age wouldn’t. Particularly, being raised during a growing movement to accept and be understanding of people’s mental health issues, while largely positive,

could lead to a situation like yours where you feel obliged to be forgiving of the impact his problems are having on you and your relationship. Now you’ve gotten older you are realizing this simply isn’t sustainable for a relationship. You can’t make people change. If he doesn’t want to address his mental health and anger problems, he’s simply not ready for a relationship.

NDaveT −  Whether he’s hurting you on purpose or not, this is not a person to be in a relationship with.

KitchenGodess −  As a person living with mental health issues, I can tell you his behaviour is not okay. He needs to actively work on his mental health on his own and he is not in a place to be in a relationship. Move on and don’t feel guilty.

Soundtheory34 −  You set a boundary and he broke it and you still stayed so he knows he can continue breaking it and there will be no consequences. The point of boundaries is to say: “I will not put up with this and there will be consequences of you continue.”

But if you just keep saying one thing but doing another (putting up with behavior you said you wouldn’t tolerate) that tells people they can break as many boundaries of yours that they want. You need to enact consequences to protect your boundaries. So, enact your consequences, It’s time to break-up up with him and not look back.

Ladyughsalot1 −  Abuser. Leave. You’ve set your boundary and he continues. Sure he gently pushed your hand away but who does that in public when they’re that agitated? To me that sounds like escalation. And know that an abuser willing to humiliate you publicly this way is ramping up. Throwing change, yelling, these are all acts of intimidation. Not just a tantrum.

Leave NOW. You are 22. Please understand you are not equipped to deal with abuse at 22, 32, 42, etc etc. *His abuse is not your burden to bear* and it is time to leave. Life is too short to lose it to someone like this. And rest assured if you stay; you’ll get stuck. Abuse is insidious. It starts slow and you talk yourself into staying until you really do believe you are stuck. Please don’t let it happen.

Finn_Finite −  This is why he dated a teenager. He was looking for someone who would put up with his issues and not make him face them. You deserve better than this, and to be honest I’d tell him that straight-out. His s**tty coping mechanisms make him a s**tty partner, and he needs to shape up if he expects you to stay.

lacylove821 −  He’s 32, if he was going to try and change his behavior he could’ve by now. This is not going to change, he will continue to treat you abusively, and it will probably escalate.
I will reiterate what some of the other posters have said. A 29 year old man dating someone who’s barely an adult is a red flag.

Please leave this man. You are 22 and at the beginning of adulthood. You have so many wonderful things to explore and experience and you WILL miss out on all of that taking care of a Grown man who can’t control himself. He will literally s**k you dry until you eventually realize that you deserve better, and then he will find another barely adult to date.

[Reddit User] −  Yikes… Just because he lets them go on untreated doesn’t mean you have to help him treat them. Not if he’s treating you like that repeatedly.

Wereallgonnadieman −  Oh my God. F**k this guy. There’s a reason he sought you out when you were super young. You’ll more likely put up with this insane b**lshit. Which is apparent. Well, you know he’s an absolute a**hole. What are you going to do about it? That’s not in your power. This is why God gave you legs. Now run woman!!!

littleorangemonkeys −  Both my ex husband and my current boyfriend struggle/struggled with anxiety. My ex husband used to use his anxiety as a reason to lash out at me and verbally abuse me. My current SO has never verbally attacked me ever, but especially never as part of a panic attack/anxiety spell.

The worst it’s ever gotten is that he’s been short with me, simply because he’s using all of his energy to deal with his mental demons, and he’s very good at verbally telling me “I’m really struggling right now so I need some space”.

He KNOWS that his mental health issues are not an excuse to treat me poorly, and it’s his responsibility to communicate with me if he’s struggling and in danger of lashing out. Mental health is not an excuse for abusive behavior. Full stop.