AITA for not wanting my husband to go to his ex’s funeral?

A Redditor shares a story of tension with her husband over his connection to his late ex-wife. She’s been with her husband for 10 years, but the dynamic between him and his ex-wife has always caused discomfort. Despite her reservations, he insisted on keeping their close friendship, which included lunch dates and shared activities.

When his ex-wife unexpectedly passed away, the Redditor felt relief, but her husband was devastated. He planned to attend the funeral, but she refused to support his decision. This led to a heated argument, with family members calling her insensitive. Read the original story below for a deeper look into her feelings and the fallout.

‘ AITA for not wanting my husband to go to his ex’s funeral?’

I’ll admit I’m biased right off the bat. I couldn’t stand her. I call her “his ex” to myself and others. He called her “his friend”. We’re all in our early 40s. She died recently – aneurysm.
I’ve been with him 10 years now, but he’d known her for 20+.

The way he tells it: They were friends in college, decided to date, got married, then realized they weren’t a great couple and decided to just be friends. All that happened years before I met him. He was clear early on that she was “important”.

A couple months into dating, it came up that his *friend* was actually his *ex-wife*. He explained the above to me, saying she was one of his closest friends and that it was purely platonic. I expressed some discomfort at him being so close to an ex, and he told me “That’s fine.

If you have a serious issue with it, let me know now and save us some time. I’ll choose her. I like you and all, but I’ve known her for over 12 years and she’s one of the most important people in my life. You’ll have to be ok with that if you want us to be a thing.”

When we were engaged I asked again. He gave me this perplexed look & asked “Why would us getting married affect my friendships?” I sucked it up & went along. I resented every moment of knowing her, especially when we had to be social. She understood some part of him I couldn’t. Her husband was friends with mine as well, so it’s not like I could use him as an angle.

He’d have lunch with the ex, they’d go to their geeky movies, and whatever. The few times I brought it up he said “We had this conversation before. You had your chance to back out.” She died after they had lunch the other day on the way to her car. He spent a bunch of time crying, but honestly I was relieved.

He was working with her husband on funeral planning. I told him “You don’t think you’re going, do you?” My argument, summed up: She’s dead, so she’s not a factor anymore. He doesn’t get to use his “she’s my friend” excuse since she doesn’t exist anymore. He had his cry for a couple days, he gets to be done with mourning her already. There’s no need for him to go to her funeral, since I wouldn’t want her at his.

He was the angriest I’ve ever seen him when I told him that, replying that he’ll be going no matter how I feel, and that he’s “willing to burn this to the f**king ground” while holding up his wedding band. “Besides you, she was the closest friend in my life.”

Him, her husband & my sisters are calling me an insensitive a**hole over this, all saying that there was no romantic aspect to their relationship, & that I’m heartless. Her husband went so far as calling me a “ghoul” for how I’ve reacted.

I never felt their relationship was appropriate, and I hid that for years because I wanted to be with my husband. Now that she’s gone, I don’t feel I should have to hide it anymore, and can speak freely. AITA for just wanting him to be *done* with her, and for him to not attend the funeral?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

LadyCass79 −  YTA. When he divorces you, he probably won’t have to explain his friendship with you to the next woman because, seriously… who’d want to stay friends with a woman who had treated you like this?

RhubarbSkein −  YTA- congrats on your impending divorce

GallopingGeckos −  If “she doesn’t exist anymore,” why are you still so jealous of her? He can’t even leave you for her now, so I think it’s time you got past it. YTA. You can speak freely, and he can leave after finding out how heartless you actually are. Fair enough.

ComedicHermit −  *She died after they had lunch the other day on the way to her car. He spent a bunch of time crying, but honestly I was relieved.* Read this sentence you wrote and try to explain to anyone how you aren’t the a**hole.

YTA. *He was working with her husband on funeral planning. I told him “You don’t think you’re going, do you?”* Read this sentence you wrote and try to explain to anyone how you aren’t the a**hole. YTA. I hope he gets a good divorce lawyer.

mdthomas −  If this is real, huge YTA. Not because you didn’t like her. You’re the AH because he is grieving the loss of someone important to him and you’re trying to invalidate his feelings.

desdemona_d −  This cannot be real and if it is YTA. In fact, you’re a nominee for AH of the year and I think you might win.

Tralfamadorians_go −  This is the most m**strous take I’ve seen on this sub in awhile, and this AITA, so that’s really saying something. I don’t even know why you’re here asking, bc everyone in your life has already told you what you’ll hear here.

The lack of compassion you’ve shown in your post honestly makes me wonder how you’ve managed to hoodwink your husband to *ever* think you’re a decent person. YTA, and I don’t think you should be surprised if your husband goes to that funeral and doesn’t come back.

Lubwurst −  She died after they had lunch the other day on the way to her car. He spent a bunch of time crying, but honestly I was relieved. So one of his closest friends dies right in front of him which is probably highly traumatic and your response “about time”? Jeez lady YTA

[Reddit User] −  YTA. This is unbelievably cruel. And frankly cutting off your own nose. It’s awful to say, but you just got what you wanted. You just had to be quiet for two more weeks.

Sunny_Hill_1 −  YTA. You are jealous of a dead woman. A dead woman who was your husband’s close friend and confidant for years, and you did know it right off the bat. You can’t even give him a chance of closure? And it’s not up to you to decide when he is done with mourning. Keep up being jealous of her, and you will find yourself to be his ex-wife as well.

Do you think the Redditor’s reaction is understandable, given the history with her husband’s ex-wife, or was she too harsh in wanting him to end his mourning? How would you handle such a situation if your partner had a deep connection with an ex? Share your thoughts below!