I [29F] feel like I’m wasting my life by staying with my husband [29M]

A Reddit user shared their frustration about their husband’s behavior after his physical transformation. He became extremely focused on fitness, and while he encouraged his wife to join him, she resisted, feeling pressure to change.

The user loves his wife but struggles with her lack of interest in fitness, which causes tension between them. He feels conflicted about how to support her without making her feel criticized or insecure. Read the full story below to find out how the situation has been affecting their relationship.

‘ I [29F] feel like I’m wasting my life by staying with my husband [29M]’

My husband and I have been together 9 years, married 7. We have a 5 year old. For the past few years or so, he’s been against me really doing much of anything. I stayed home with our child, because financially it was the best choice. When they got a few years older, I wanted to work part time because I was *desperate* to do anything even mildly productive.

He was against it because then his days off work would be totally shot. And on his off days, he’s off f**king around doing whatever he wants (99% of the time it pertains to a hobby of his), so I’m again stuck at home, doing absolutely nothing. He insists on being a one car family (which I can agree with to an extent, it doesn’t make sense to pay double the expenses if I’m not working and don’t *need* a car),

but he doesn’t even make an effort to carpool, or some other kind of arrangement, so the car can be available to me once and a while and I can do something. So now I feel like this l**er, who sits home all f**king day, every single day, with no car. I haven’t seen friends in forever because it’s too much work to figure out a day to meet up where I’ll have a car and my husband will be off work AND at home to watch our child.

My siblings are always meeting up for concerts and dinners, and I’ve never been to a single one for the same reason. I’m doing absolutely nothing with my life, all because my husband thinks it makes his life easier, and I’m sick of it.

I’ve told him it bothers me, and his response is always “well, I don’t know what to tell you”. I love him, and I don’t think I should jump on the divorce ship quite yet, but I am *so* sick of wasting my life. Tell me what to do Reddit, because I have not a damn clue.

 

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

readyforsomething −  Just want to be honest, your post makes you sound like a live-in maid/baby sitter/?. And “well, I don’t know what to tell you” is not an acceptable response from someone you love and that should love you. And on his off days, he’s off f**king around doing whatever he wants (99% of the time it pertains to a hobby of his),

and what do you get to do on your days off from your full time job? Oh right, you don’t get any. You’re his wife and should be his equal. Do you feel that way?

[Reddit User] −  Don’t ask his permission to do things. Say “I am doing [x], this is how I think we might handle it”. Listen to what he says. Maybe [x] is a class you take on Tuesday nights. You need him to be home on childcare duty by 6:30 pm. Maybe [x] is you need the car one day a week, and will drive him to work and pick him up that day.

Maybe it’s one afternoon every weekend where you get the car and can go out on your own and do whatever you want. He is treating you like a servant. Well, professional domestic staff get days off and the opportunity to develop their other interests, so you should too.

If he is a reasonable person he will probably not be nuts about having to take on more responsibility and having less freedom, but he’ll come around. If he is not a reasonable person…well, that gives you more information to make choices about your life with.

alfshsdh −  I agree that you are wasting your life. You shouldn’t have to wait for someone else to live. I think you should trust your gut on this one.

whatsnewpussykat −  I’m an enthusiastic stay at home mum – like, this is my dream job – and I would go berserk if my husband behaved the way yours is. Your time is exactly as valuable as his. Your happiness and fulfillment is exactly as important as his. If it were me I would insist on counseling so you can have a third party help with communication.

He absolutely needs to recognize that you are his wife and his partner, not his kid’s nanny. It sounds like you’ve expressed your displeasure multiple times and offered solutions (getting a job, getting another vehicle) and he shoots them down because it would make his life slightly harder. That’s pretty fucked up, to be honest.

[Reddit User] −  Have you told him that you are so unhappy that you have started to think about divorce as an option? Regardless of how clear you believe you have been with him, he might not really understand. Also, he deserves to know what the stakes are. Note that I don’t think issuing an ultimatum is healthy, but that’s not the same thing as sharing what your real thoughts are.

ohhessahhdee −  First and foremost, you need a car. Not only will it give you a sense of freedom but you’ll have the flexibility to take your child to dr and dentist appts, play dates, sports, lunches, birthday parties without having to rely on your husbands schedule.

See how he reacts to that proposal and then take your next step. If it’s a matter of finances then you’ll just need to be more assertive on the days he’s off. If it’s a matter of control and he just says no, then you need to get yourself together and propose counseling for yourself at the least.

Cracklermac −  I think you should talk to him and tell him it isn’t fair that he treats you like that and that you’re not a machine to stand by to his b**lshit. You’ve been together for that long I think you should be able to talk to him properly if he still insists on being a d**k then.. people of reddit will give you other ways to deal with him.

[Reddit User] −  Think about what the solution is. Figure out what the ideal situation looks like and what your minimum viable solution looks like. Then figure out what each one would take.After that sit down and talk to your husband. Propose some changes. Start with your ideal situation.

Be willing to compromise. But don’t dip below what your minimum requirements are. You tell him it bothers you, instead tell him what needs changing.

ExosEU −  There is a huge communication issue between the two of you, and at the moment anything you might say doesn’t seem to go through. Sorry to say this, but to me it seems like he views you as a pet and certainly not a partner. Here is my advice. I believe he himself is unhappy about his life, professionnaly if he has a low income men usually equate this to a failure on their part.

This could explain why hes so into his hobbies to avoid thinking about it. You are unhappy because he isn’t giving you the attention you deserve. My guess is that a house wife makes her pride and self accomplishment on the success of her husband (behind every strong man a strong woman stands behind her) and this is probably what he is expecting from you while sucking real bad at conveying that.

You won’t get anything just by sitting down and showering him with accusations. You’ll only distance him more by acting as a bother. Instead, a good way to install the dialog is by admitting your part into what lead to this situation. If you can’t think of anything you’ve done wrong then you arr not ready to sit down and talk with him, and will result in further failure.

I’m not saying its easy, but if you want things to change you must be the first to instigate it. Edit : i’m not saying you are in the wrong. Both of you are. But the first priority is for both of you to admit their own mistakes, abd the best wat for him to open up is for you to make the first move.

If you can tell him what you think you have done wrong, he will be more open to you criticism of his behavior. You should see an improvement of the communication there.