I (24F) am starting to build resentment toward my partner’s (29M) four-year-old son?

A woman opens up about her growing resentment toward her boyfriend’s young son due to her partner’s permissive parenting style. Struggling with boundaries, discipline, and communication, she seeks advice on how to address the situation without damaging her relationship.

‘ I (24F) am starting to build resentment toward my partner’s (29M) four-year-old son?’

I (24F) have been dating and living with my boyfriend (29M) for three years. We’ve come a long way in terms of communication and conflict resolution, and I genuinely love him. However, there’s a significant issue that I need some advice on, especially since it’s affecting my relationship with him and his son, James (4M).

When we first started dating, Emerson (my boyfriend) confided in me about his ex (Lila), and how her parenting style negatively impacted James and her other son, Derek. He was upset by how little attention she gave the kids, and how she wouldn’t discipline Derek when he did things like spend $1,000 on video games using her credit card. Emerson admitted he didn’t have a good relationship with Derek because of this, and he said he didn’t want to be like her.

Here’s where things get complicated. Emerson’s parenting style is very similar to Lila’s. He refuses to discipline James, and it’s becoming a serious issue for me. James is in a phase of saying no to almost everything — whether it’s using the toilet, playing with Play-Doh on the table, not screaming while people are talking, or sharing toys.

When Emerson asks him to do something and he refuses, Emerson will calmly repeat himself, but if James continues to refuse or runs away, Emerson often just drops the matter. If James starts crying or throwing a tantrum, Emerson will try to cheer him up instead of enforcing boundaries.

While I understand James is only four, I believe it’s important to start teaching him things like manners, how to handle frustration, and following rules. I’ve been helping him learn basic politeness since he was young, but lately, his behavior has gotten worse — demanding things without saying please or thank you, throwing tantrums when he doesn’t get his way, and generally not following instructions.

For example, he will lay on the couch and demand chocolate milk with phrases like, “Go get it now” or refuse to use the toilet when told. I feel like Emerson is more concerned with being James’ “friend” than actually disciplining him, possibly because he’s worried that if he’s too strict, James will prefer staying at his mom’s more lenient household.

I’ve talked to Emerson about this a few times, but he seems to think it’s better to let things go and avoid confrontation because he doesn’t want to risk James feeling upset or wanting to go back to his mom’s. I understand his fear, but I feel like this approach is enabling James’ behavior. It’s gotten to the point where I’m building resentment, not just towards James, but also towards Emerson for not taking a stronger stance on discipline.

I’m genuinely stuck on how to address this without making things worse. I want to continue supporting Emerson, but I also don’t want to keep tolerating James’ behavior and enabling Emerson’s lack of boundaries. I’m starting to feel like I can’t handle being around James, and I’m afraid this will put a strain on my relationship.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you handle it? Any advice on how to talk to my partner about this without causing a huge argument or making him feel like I’m attacking his parenting?. Thanks in advance for your help!

Update: Thank you, everyone, for your replies, support, and advice. Four is a tough age, and this journey as a parental figure without actually being a parent has been a bit of a challenge.

Some of you asked about my partner’s communication. When we first got together, Emerson was defensive and would yell during disagreements. Over the past three years, he has worked hard to break this pattern and become a better partner. Although he occasionally reverts to his old behaviors, it’s not very common. Now, he handles difficult conversations much better. He listens calmly, and after taking time to think things over, he’s great at problem-solving with me.

For those who advised me to leave him, I completely understand your perspective. Maybe we won’t stay together forever, but I see the effort he’s putting in. As long as he continues to make a conscious effort to improve as both a partner and a father, I’m willing to stay and keep investing in our relationship.

For context, Emerson is a devoted father to James. He’s very involved in James’ life, and I know he has good intentions. However, I do think he sometimes reacts out of fear. As I mentioned in the original post, Emerson has admitted that he’s afraid of pushing James away by enforcing rules or chores. But I believe that kids need structure, boundaries, and responsibility. Over the last few days, Emerson has been stepping up more in terms of staying on top of James’ behavior. However, he’s still inconsistent with reinforcing boundaries. He tends to only reinforce when he feels it’s absolutely necessary, not during the teachable moments.

As a licensed teacher with a background in Early Childhood Education, I’ve had a lot of experience with conscious discipline, which I’ve been trying to implement with James. The problem is that Emerson sometimes feels I’m intervening too much and not allowing him to parent. He also thinks I’m targeting James by addressing negative behaviors, which causes tension. I often feel like I have to compensate for Emerson’s lack of boundaries, which makes the situation more difficult.

Today, I spoke with Emerson about how I’ve been feeling and expressed that I don’t think it’s healthy for me to feel resentment toward his four-year-old. I asked him to research conscious discipline techniques and try using them whenever an appropriate situation arises. I explained that I want us to work together as a team for the benefit of everyone involved. We’ve come up with a plan, and we’re going to try it out to see if we can teach James better behaviors while redirecting the negative ones. I’ll keep you all posted on how it goes. Thank you again for all the advice and support!

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

dudleymunta −  Step parent here. You have a partner problem. He’s a poor parent. A Disney dad. He’s unwilling to actually parent. His child is developing behavioural problems as a direct result. This isn’t going to get any better. Your resentment is misplaced. It should be directed at your partner (and probably the child’d other parent). He wants you to do the hard work. Honestly, just leave. And do not under any circumstances have a child with him.

lakebluebutt −  You are far too young at 24 tone having to deal with these problems that aren’t even yours. It will get worse. He’ll never parent him and your relationship will always be turbulent as a result. You have plenty of time in life to find that right partner without a disaster child/baby mamma.

ZimaGotchi −  The most important thing to be mindful of by far is that your problem is not with James, it is with Emerson. You have to have the correct perspective and now allow unfocused frustration to fester and turn into aggression because aggression is *not* how to teach a 4 year old. He needs explicit rules firmly but lovingly enforced.

These rules for behavior in your household need to be discussed between you and Emerson and established – written down if necessary (and it sounds necessary). If Emerson and you cannot agree on reasonable basic rules for behavior in the home you share then it may become necessary to live separately.

As far as playing both parents against one another to gain unreasonable permission goes, that’s one of the standard huge problems with broken families. Emerson and his ex really *also* need to sit down and have the same discussion where they establish rules which, ideally, would be satisfactory to you (although your say really is limited to if you are willing to live in a household with those rules).

One thing I can tell you though is that if James isn’t potty trained by the time he starts school, it’s likely that children’s services will become involved and if James tells them “Mommy lets me s**t in my pants”, he may no longer have the choice about going to Mommy’s house.

Enough-Process9773 −  You don’t have a James problem, you have an Emerson problem. James sounds like a totally normal four year old.
The proper response to a four-year-old lying on the couch demanding chocolate milk “Go get it now!” is to enforce the expectation that while he can have chocolate milk, he’ll have to ask for it politely, and talk him through the process of saying “please” and “thank you.” You know that. Emerson hopefully knows it. But he doesn’t want to impose it because he wants to be “fun dad”.
*Many* four-year-olds go through a stage of saying “no!” to everything, and throwing tantrums when their demands aren’t met. There are effective and sensible ways of coaching them through this stage. They don’t need discipline, but they do need behavior coaching, modelling what the right thing is to do and how to ask for what they want.
It’s possible Emerson is not just unwilling but unable to do this – he may not have any models of his own as to how you deal with a four-year-old making demands. If so, maybe reading a couple of good parenting manuals together might help, and discussing how the two of you are going to form a consistent parenting partnership for James. A *partnership* \- where you have an agreed strategy for known issues, like when James says he’s not going to the toilet – and where the two of you agree on a response for new issues that are bound to come up as James finds new ways to frustrate the bejasus out of you both. (And he will, because he’s a kid.)
If so, I can all but guarantee James is going to prefer to live with you and Emerson than with Lila and Derek. Kids *like* consistency and boundaries and attention paid to what they’re doing.
If Emerson rejects the idea of partnering with you to parent James together, then I think you may have to move out? If you’re with Emerson, you’re James’s stepmother. You have to be able to parent James, in partnership with Emerson. Emerson does have the final say – he’s James’s dad – but if his final say is “You do not get to impose any constructive consequences on my son, just leave it him alone and let me do it all” – well, then, you can’t live with James, and if James is living with Emerson, you can’t live with Emerson either.

Jen5872 −  One thing that might help would be to tell him he’s taking the path of least resistance and parenting just like his ex. He can’t be afraid to parent because he’s doing a disservice to his son. Kids will say all manner of things that will hurt but that can’t stop someone from parenting. He might ask to go to his mom’s but the kid isn’t in charge. Well, he is right now but he shouldn’t be. Perhaps some parenting books might help your partner.
In the meantime it might help to tell him to stop giving his son opportunities to say no. Don’t ask him yes or no questions. Do you want to put on your sweater? No! Do you want to wear your blue sweater or your red sweater? His choice is now red or blue, not yes or no. It doesn’t always work but at least you’re not setting yourself up for a no which is a little kid’s favorite word. Also, if he’s having a tantrum, it’s ok to let him cry it out. 

Inevitable-Bet-4834 −  I skimmed thru Ur post. You have a problem with your partner not the four year old.
I have read many stories like this. What will likely happen is you will get pregnant and have kids with a man who has shown you clearly he is not a good dad.
Your stepson will antagonise your children (who will be younger) and your husband won’t stop it. Your stepson’s behaviour will get worse. Your kids will suffer. You will suffer too.
You have learnt many things about your partner. And about being a stepmom with a bad parent. Walk away. You should not be dealing with this at 24.
If you stay you will continue to resent this four year old and he will sense it and it will mess him up!
If you stay and have children. There is a high chance your stepson will abuse them. Your husband will allow it.. Walk away.
If u must stay and consider your options. Get on long term birth control. Not pills or condoms. Those have high user error and can easily be sabotaged.

cressidacole −  Don’t resent the kid when the problem is the parents.
I wouldn’t recommend sticking around to find out what happens if you add another child to your venn diagram.

catbling −  He got a live in girlfriend immediately after his relationship ended so he wouldn’t have to do the hard work of parenting himself. He has you to do it for him! It’s a good deal for him, tons of benefits, why would he want to change that?

Rl_bells −  You’re completely valid in having these concerns about his behaviour but ultimately, that is EXACTLY what 4 year olds do.
YTA for resenting a child when your partner is the actual problem, your anger is misplaced and it’s not fair as you seem to not actually want his child around.

SmiteSam2005 −  The problem isnt the kid, it’s the parents that refuse to do their job.