AITA for telling my daughter to get over herself?
A Reddit user recounts a disagreement with their daughter, Marnie, about honoring a late sibling at Marnie’s upcoming wedding. The mother feels strongly about keeping her late daughter’s memory alive, but Marnie believes her wedding day should focus solely on her. Read the original story below:
‘ AITA for telling my daughter to get over herself?’
I was blessed with three beautiful children and unfortunately, my eldest, Brooke, passed away when she was 5 years old. It rocked my world and I know I haven’t been the same since. I went through therapy and still attend to this day, but a part of me died too. I will never let my daughter be forgotten.
I bring pictures of her to events such as holiday celebrations and birthdays. I talk about her all the time. Every year on my living children’s birthdays, I think of her and how her once younger siblings are now older than her. My daughter, Marnie, is getting married next month. I asked her if she was having a memorial table and she said no.
I asked her about creating a seat for her sister who passed, as she should be a part of the day. Marnie told me no, for once she wants a day about her. She says she couldn’t have one event that wasn’t about Brooke. Even her graduation, I had put a picture of her on the seat. She said I needed to stop making my grief “front stage”.
I told her she was being incredibly selfish and until she goes through a loss like this, she’ll never understand. Marnie asked me if her kids would have to live under the shadow of Brooke too. I told her she should be ashamed and to get over herself. My son says I’m being terrible and I need to re-evaluate my life. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
VictorianPlatypus − You do realize that you’ve made your living children feel like they don’t matter, right? YTA. I cannot imagine your loss, but you’ve hurt your two living children by never allowing them to move on, and in your fear of having Brooke forgotten, you have ensured that they resent her memory.
JeepersCreepers74 − I’m going to be blunt, OP, because apparently your own children telling you you’re terrible is not enough to get through to you. Most bad parents only manage to sow discord between their living children. You’ve accomplished the rare feat of causing the living to resent the dead.
If you do not believe in an after life, then it follows that none of what you are doing to remember Brooke is actually for Brooke, it’s for you. Stop being selfish. If you do believe in an after life,
then surely you understand that Brooke doesn’t want a table at Marnie’s wedding, she wants a place in Marnie’s heart. That’s not going to happen until you stop turning all of your kids’ important life events into a decades-long memorial for Brooke.. YTA.
floridaxgirl − Yta as a mother who lost her son when he was three I couldn’t image doing this to my daughter. Sure I talk about her brother, but not at every event she has would I do what you are doing. Her birthdays are about her not me or her brother. Your son is right you are pushing away your living children to hold on to your pain.
wytherlanejazz − YTA (I know it’s painful to think about, sounds like grief therapy would help). You are allowed to process however you want, but your children do not have to be burdened by your grief.
open_letter_guy − YTA. you recognize you are driving 2 of your kids away because of this? how long has this been going on, 15 yrs maybe? your 2 kids have been competing and losing to their eldest sibling for a long time.
Adventurous-Sand6711 − YTA. Is your therapist really in agreement that you have a memorial to your deceased daughter at every event? You have children who are alive and well and if you don’t get this under control you will lose them too.
It’s your daughter’s day. Let her have a day where it is all about her and NOT about your grief. I feel so bad for your children…to have to live in the shadow of their deceased sister and never have their mother’s absolute love.
aesthflora − YTA. Your daughter is telling you her feelings, and it sounds like you *have*, as she said, made your grief centre stage in every event. Since your eldest passed at 5 I’m assuming your other kids barely remember her,
if at all, and yet you’ve made every event in your life about her. I’m so sorry for your loss and I understand the grief will never leave you, but don’t let it do further damage to the relationship you have with your living children.
turndownforwomp − YTA you don’t have a right to dictate how YOUR DAUGHTER plans HER WEDDING and you’re absolutely the one who needs to get over themselves. I’m sorry for your loss but you’re being ridiculous and unfair to your daughter.
[Reddit User] − YTA. I feel pretty confident this is a bait post, fortunately, but if somehow it’s not: yikes. You have refused to let your children live their lives, going so far as to make every single one of *their birthdays* about the loss of their sister. You have completely neglected your ‘living children’ through your refusal to find appropriate ways to process your grief.
Nyaseoki − YTA. while my heart goes out to you, and I am very sorry you have lost a child, the way you have been dealing with this, doesn’t really sound healthy – and even if it were healthy, the way it has impacted your surviving kids is obviously messed up
messed up enough to have them tell you outright; if you can’t let go that’s one thing when it’s something that is yours, but milestones your kids reached aren’t yours. it’s not your place to bring grief to each and every occasion(also if brooke was your oldest and passed away at 5, you’ve been basically forcing a stranger on your two younger kids;
I really don’t wanna know what that has done in regards to their development). also I’m really doubting your therapist, either you’re lying about what you’re doing when you’re in session, or this therapist has the wrong job
Is the mother justified in wanting to honor her late daughter at the wedding, or is Marnie right to prioritize her own wishes for the day? Share your thoughts on balancing grief and celebrating life milestones.