AITA for lying about being pregnant to my family to protect my husband?

A Redditor shares their dilemma about lying to their family about being pregnant to protect their transgender husband. The couple decided to keep the husband’s transition a secret due to their family’s homophobic and transphobic views.

When the truth eventually came out, the family reacted violently and disowned them. Now the Redditor is questioning whether lying was the right decision or if honesty could have saved them heartache. Read the original story below for more details on how this situation unfolded.

‘ AITA for lying about being pregnant to my family to protect my husband?’

My husband is a transgender man and we’ve always wanted to start a family together. I have a huge fear of pregnancy so he offered to carry the baby. It was an insane process. He had to stop taking testosterone for a long time but he was amazing throughout the whole process and I did everything in my power to help him feel more comfortable.

None of my family know that he is transgender (h**ophobic, transphobic, all the phobics), but our friends know. He posted an ultrasound to his private instagram, not knowing that my sister follows him on a burner account. Well, she saw the photo and told my whole family. They were FURIOUS that I wouldn’t tell them (our plan was to say we adopted).

They assumed I was the one pregnant and blew up on me, so I just let it go and rolled with the lie because I wasn’t going to out my husband. The first couple of months I’d let them visit, eventually I’d start eating big meals and purposely bloating myself to the point of discomfort so I looked pregnant.

They’d remark around the 6 month mark that I was remarkably small but I just played it off. Eventually I couldn’t lie any longer, so I looked for every excuse in the book to not see my family. I turned down the offers of baby showers, gender reveal parties, anything that would require us seeing each other.

Luckily my family live an hour away and we all live busy lifestyles, so them randomly visiting wasn’t an issue. The one time they did pop in unexpectedly, we were out of the house. If they Facetimed, I made a point to be in bed feeling horribly sick so I couldn’t give a “bump update”. I lied my ass off and they just thought I had a rough pregnancy.

My husband gave birth a year ago and went straight back on the testosterone, and now we’re happy as ever. My family have met our daughter and they adore her. A week ago, after an argument between myself and a friend, said friend decided to out my husband by messaging my family and included proof.

They did it by adding everybody to a group chat, posting screenshots and basically the whole story, then saying “I’ll leave you all to discuss”, then they left the chat and blocked me and my husband. In a transphobic rage, my mother raced to my home and all but beat my front door down.

It wasn’t pretty. I had to call the cops. I’ve been disowned, but that hasn’t stopped the daily calls and texts coming from my parents, aunts, uncles, siblings etc., leaving n**ty transphobic slurs on my voicemail and other hateful crap.

I ended up crying to my friend yesterday who told me that I should have been honest with my family, as it would’ve saved me a lot of heart ache. That, or said we miscarried and then adopted later. I’m not happy that things played out the way they did. I just feel so sad now. Maybe it was wrong to lie to my family, but I feel like I had no choice.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

lushgurter21 −  NTA, but why were you ever tolerating your family when they aren’t tolerant towards you? Edit: I just wanted to acknowledge all the responses I’ve had from redditors who have been in similar situations to OP and have wanted to try to maintain a relationship with their families, for various reasons.

For some reason reddit won’t let me reply directly to you but thank you for pointing out that it isn’t always so straightforward as just walking away, especially when it comes to family. I hope you’re all doing well and get to enjoy safe and loving support networks, whether that’s familial or otherwise :). Peace & love

Hungry-Industry-9817 −  NTA, your so called friend is a BIG one though.

iopele −  Your EX-friend is a despicable excuse for a human. Block your family in every possible way and block that ex-friend too. What your ex-friend did is truly reprehensible and they did it because they wanted to hurt you and your husband in the worst way they possibly could–your family dynamic is none of their damn business and their behavior is disgusting.

You and your husband don’t have to justify anything to anyone about your relationship or how you chose to have a child. It’s no one else’s damn business. Congratulations to you and your husband on your child, I hope you both come through this and carry on your lives knowing who truly loves and supports you. (edit to fix pronouns of the friend from she to they)

SynchronizedCalamity −  My jaw actually dropped reading that your “friend”, after an argument, decided to go batshit f**king *nuclear* and forcibly out your husband to a bunch of KNOWN phobics. Aside from being a total d**k move, that is an insanely dangerous thing to do to another human being.

Even if the argument had you totally in the wrong, you don’t just *out* somebody. Wow. I am absolutely furious on your behalf. And cause I’m totally petty, I’d post screens of the group chat y’all were dropped into and the abuse your family subsequently received, then say that you’ll leave all your mutuals to “discuss”, and block anyone that comes to their defense.

What reprehensible behavior. I sincerely hope you never let this person back into your life. And yeah there’s the whole “you shouldn’t have lied” aspect. But people who know, *know*. I’ve lied my ASS off to protect myself from bigots who very well could have done awful s**t to me in situations I couldn’t escape.

A strangers comforts probably don’t mean much, but I don’t blame you for lying at all. I think you did what was best while respecting your husbands wishes (based on other comments where you said he wanted you to have a relationship with your family).

I also think you should fortify your home. Doorbell cameras, security cams, motion activated floodlights, remote activation dash cams, the absolute WORKS. You’ve got a child to protect now, and you may need footage of the bullcrap they pull down the road. Wishing you, your husband, and your daughter the absolute best.

BowzersMom −  NTA. Sure, you lied. But it was to protect your family from what has now come to pass. Your “friend” did something awful: outed a trans man to transphobes who know him!!! And, of course, your family sucks. The only thing I think you could have done better is distancing yourself from your cruel family before all of this, but that doesn’t make you an a**hole

20Keller12 −  The other friend who said I should’ve told the truth is on thin ice.. Cut this friend off too. “You should have just told the truth.”. **Sounds a lot like:** “You should have just worn something different.”

“You shouldn’t have been alone with them.”. “You should have been more aware.”. “You shouldn’t have gotten drunk.” ***Your “friend” is victim blaming your husband and telling you both that he deserved this.***

liamrobin −  NTA. I’m a trans man myself, I have so much respect for what your husband did. I’m so sorry that your family is treating you like this. What your “friend” did was cruel, and dangerous. I hope you and your husband are doing okay.

singing_stream −  You were respecting your husbands wishes and protecting him. Your family and ‘friend’ are total assholes and i’m so sorry that you have such a crappy family.. NTA.

ScubaCC −  INFO: why did you feel obligated to have any contact with your transphobic family at all?

mercifulalien −  NTA. Your decision in a spouse is really none of your family’s business to begin with. The fact that your mom drove an hour to your house to bang on the door in such a fit of rage that you were forced to call the police

and that they are now harassing you is just proof that you were right to not let them in on a very personal aspect of your marriage. Good riddance to bad rubbish, imo, they sound nightmarish.

Was the Redditor wrong to lie to their family in order to protect their husband, or was it an understandable choice given the toxic environment? How would you have handled this delicate situation? Share your thoughts and support below!