AITA For telling my wife her parents are not allowed to ever watch our son again?

A Reddit user recounts a serious breach of trust with their in-laws after discovering that their mother-in-law secretly baptized their 2-year-old son without consent. The incident has led to conflict with their wife, as the user insists that the in-laws can no longer watch their son unsupervised. Now, they wonder if their firm stance makes them the bad guy.

‘ AITA For telling my wife her parents are not allowed to ever watch our son again?’

My wife and I have a 2-year old son and have been married for 4 years. Our anniversary was a month ago and we found a nice, secluded cabin on AirBnB and rented it out for a long weekend getaway. My wife asked her parents if they would be willing to watch our son and they agreed as long as we dropped him off at their house. That worked for us since it was on our way anyway.

I was raised lutheran and my wife was raised catholic, but neither of us currently go to church and have not had our son baptized. My MIL knows this and hates it. She thinks our son needs to be baptized or he will burn in hell, she’s that kind of catholic.

So we go on our trip and when we pick up our son and ask how the weekend went, MIL says everything went fine and that she has saved my son’s soul from the devil. I ask her what she meant and she says she had our son baptized that morning at her church. I tried my best to keep my cool so I didn’t scream at MIL in front of my son, but I pretty much grabbed my son and left.

On the car ride home I was fuming and told my wife as calmly as I could that this would be the last time her parents have our son unsupervised. She tried to downplay what her mom had done but I told her we need to wait until we get home to talk about it because I’m not fighting in front of my kid.

When we got home and had a chance to talk about it, things got heated. I told my wife I no longer trust her parents with our son and that if they did something like this behind our backs I can’t trust them to respect our wishes as parents in the future. I said this was a huge breach of trust and I will forever look t her mom differently.

She continued to try to defend her mom saying that she was only doing what she thought was best for her grandson. She even downplayed it by saying that it’s just a little water and a few words and we don’t go to church anyway so what does it matter.

I told her that under no circumstances will I allow her parents to watch our son by themselves again. I said that we can still let them see their grandson, but only if we are present. I also said that if she doesn’t see what the big deal is with this situation, that maybe we aren’t on the same page as parents and maybe we need to see a counselor. She started crying and said that this isn’t the kind of decision I get to make on my own and I’m an a**hole for trying to tell her what kind of relationship her parents can have with our son.

I told her that I no longer have any trust or respect for her parents and that I don’t know if there’s anything they can do to repair that. I told her I don’t care if that makes me an a**hole, but what her parents did was unforgiveable in my eyes and they put themselves in this position to lose privileges with our son. She’s been trying to convince me to change my mind for the last month, but I’m not budging. To me this is a hill I’m willing to die on.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Critical_Aspect −  NTA These types of baptisms violate church law, and if it actually was done by their priest you should contact the bishop and file a complaint. ETA: Thanks to all for your kindness!

Query8897 −  NTA. That was a HUGE breach of trust. Nothing religious should be done unilaterally either by the parents or in this case, grandparents. I do agree that counseling would be a good avenue for you both to get on the same page.
Also apparently you’re an ahole for telling her that her parents can no longer see your son unsupervised but they aren’t aholes for the unauthorised baptism? What??

naranghim −  NTA. Report the Priest and/or Parish that performed it without your consent to either the Diocese or the Archdiocese. The Catholic church forbids Baptism without parental permission. The Baptism won’t be officially recognized as a result and if MIL *ied and claimed she had your permission it will land *her* in hot water with the church.. To your wife:

Letting her get away with something because “she thought it was best for her grandson” leads to a slippery slope. What if your mom decides it is best for your son to live with her during the week and you and your husband only see him on the weekends? Are you going to let her get away with that? IT ISN’T HER KID! She doesn’t get to decide “what’s best,” only his parents do.

Your mom stomped the “no Baptism” boundary. If you let her get away with it she will stomp other boundaries you set up using the argument “Its what I think is best for grandson!” Next boundary could be “don’t give him too much sugar.” That stomp could cost you a lot of money. Young children, when they have cavities, have to be knocked out in order to get them fixed.

Its not cheap, my nephew’s last dental procedure (he has weak tooth enamel) cost my sister $3,000 out of pocket (insurance picked up the rest but it was a fight to get anesthesia covered. Dental insurance didn’t want to cover it, Health insurance thought Dental insurance should cover it because it was a dental procedure).

BroadElderberry −  This is a tough one. On the one hand, your son is 2, so he likely won’t remember or understand what happened. This isn’t like the post yesterday where the MIL told an 8-year-old that she would burn in hell if she didn’t accept Jesus and let herself be baptized. On the other hand, there’s nothing saying your MIL won’t partake in that kind of behavior when your son is older.

On the other other hand, putting a permanent ban on your MIL is kind of extreme. It would be better to put her in a “time out” and give her the opportunity to change her behavior. That’s your wife’s mother. You put her in an awkward position by making absolute proclamations like this.

I think NTA for being upset, and NTA for not trusting your ILs, but I think before you make any “never/ever” proclamations, you need to explain to your MIL that what she did wasn’t okay, and that you’re reconsidering how much you trust her with your son.

Definitely also hit up the counseling. Your wife needs to understand that this is 10/10 on the importance scale for you, and that kind of trumps it only being a 3/10 on the importance scale for her. You also need to understand that it’s very harsh to unilaterally ban your partner’s parents from things, and to tell your partner that you have no respect for their parents is almost always going to sting, even if you’re in the right.

superfastmomma −  Go get the counseling. There is a lot in this post and it would be impossible to tell if writing off the grandparents is appropriate or not, or worth destroying your marriage over.

ShadowsObserver −  Going against the grain here apparently, but YTA. Was what your MIL did wrong, a huge breach of trust, and something to be discussed? Yes, absolutely. Did it actively hurt your child in any way? No. I get it’s an issue with respecting your choices as parents, but YTA because you’re now trying to make unilateral decisions about whether your partner’s mother can see your child, without considering your partner’s feelings on the situation and the effect your decree (yes, decree) will have on her and her familial relations.

She’s right, you’re an a**hole for trying to force this decision on her on your own. This is something you and she need to agree upon, and you’re telling her it’s your way or the highway – and guess what, if she chooses the highway, your son IS going to see your MIL unsupervised whether you like it or not.

thatonepersoniam −  ESH- So I agree with 95% if what you have said. I think in ALMOST all areas, you are completely correct. The only thing I think you’re going a little too big on is the “never can fix what they did” part of it. You and your wife are a team. You need to be on the same page about this. But you going that strong on the “never” part of it is clearly too much for your wife.

If her parents turn their behavior around and improve, there needs to be a “path” towards reconciliation, or your wife will not be on your side. I’d rather get 90% of what I wanted with my wife as my team vs fight for 100% and her be against it. Because that leads to resentment or secrets or lies or nothing good. Be willing to allow them to change. Make it clear what your expectations and needs are. Make sure the “time and actual change” part is very clear. Make that hill to climb hard to do, but don’t make it impossible or you’ll lose out.

Cent1234 −  YTA for how you went about it. You don’t get to dictate terms to the person who’s supposed to be your partner. You do get to tell them how you feel, tell them what you’d like to see happen, and ask them for their input, then come to a consensus, which will likely involve compromise.

MsBaseball34 −  NTA – and yes, you both need counseling. I’m catholic, and that was way beyond the line. You don’t baptize someone’s child without their permission. Have you asked the MIL about this?

White_RavenZ −  NTA – Does your wife not realize the second your kids are old enough to understand words, their grandma is going to be scaring the f**k out of them with threats of hell? Indoctrination happens young for a reason. Scar their little minds with fire and brimstone, and sit back. It’s insidious. Religion shouldn’t be taught to anyone not old enough to critically think (but then, that is the point).