AITA for pretending not to recognize my parents when they tried to reconnect?
A Redditor, abandoned by their biological parents at age six, was raised by their loving uncle and aunt. After years of no contact, their parents tried to reconnect following the death of their other child. When approached at a Christmas mass, the Redditor pretended not to recognize them, saying, “My parents are at home.” Now, some family members think this response was too harsh given their parents’ grief. Are they wrong for setting such a boundary? Read the full story below.
‘ AITA for pretending not to recognize my parents when they tried to reconnect?’
I was raised mostly by my uncle and aunt. My older sister developed a serious illness when I was 6 and my parents decided that they couldn’t care for both of us I guess, so they kind of unceremoniously dumped me at my grandparents and my uncle took me in.
Like, didn’t even explain to me what was going on, just “you’re going to go visit gran for awhile” and never picked me back up. My grandparents and uncle explained it later, and they were pretty livid at my parents. I’ve seen my parents maybe 5 times since then and not at all for the last 9 years.
I decided to stop having contact with them when I was 12 and since I was the only one reaching out all communication broke down. It turned out ok, I love my aunt and uncle and it turns out they can’t have kids so they’ve always said I’m their miracle kid, I was just misrouted by the stork at first.
I was formally adopted by them when I turned 18, I wish it had been earlier but there were some red tape things that would have made that really expensive and difficult. I’m 21 now. My sister passed away between thanksgiving and Christmas and I made a trip back from school for the funeral, but I stayed in the back and left before my bio parents could talk to me.
They called my uncle to try to talk to me, but I said I didn’t want to so he told them that I wasn’t available at the moment. They finally caught up to me over Christmas when I went to midnight mass with my gran, and approached me and tried to give me a hug.
I did recognize them, but I pretended not to and just backed off and said “Sorry, do I know you?” They said “We’re your parents!” and I said “My parents are at home.” and went and sat down with my gran. They sat behind us and I could just feel the stare, and on the way out they were like “You really don’t recognize us?” And I said “Oh, are you my dad’s brother? I think I remember you from when I was little.”
My gran thinks they deserved it trying to come back to me like nothing happened, but they wrote me a long letter about how hurt they are and how I should understand that they were trying to do the right thing and how they’ll always be my parents and I can’t change that. Other family members think I was too harsh as they’re grieving, but I don’t think they should get a pass just because they remembered me now that my sister is gone.
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
Si_the_chef − NTA. “Are you my Dad’s brother” was pure class.
EvocativeEnigma − NTA – And I said “Oh, are you my dad’s brother? I think I remember you from when I was little.” This was petty AF, SO MUCH DESERVED and I am applauding you all the way for it! I’m glad that you ended up with parents who love and cherish you. Also, you were adopted so they AREN’T your parents.
aaseandersen − Notice how in their letter, they only focused on themselves. How hurt *they* were. Then, they had the audacity to tell you how you should be and feel. These people are garbage and deserve to know and be told repeatedly that they’re garbage.. NTA. Rinse and repeat.
PsiBlaze − NTA. “Oh, are you my dad’s brother? I think I remember you from when I was little.”. And this line is a winner!!!
just_hear_4_the_tip − NTA. You’re my f’ing hero. Most people would freeze in the moment — ESPECIALLY when already preoccupied with grief and sadness — and only think of the perfect line minutes, hours, or days later. But not you, you legend among us mortals.
I’m so very, very sorry for the traumatic and heartbreaking experiences you went through… but, somehow that path still led you greatness. No pressure OP, but I think you’re going to save the world one day. Good on your parents for making it official, otherwise I would toss out the idea of adopting you myself.
chaotine − NTA, they are no longer your parents. Even legally since you’re adopted now. Don’t let them use you as a “do over”, now that your sister died. They would’nt contacted you if she was still alive…
Lish-Dish − NTA, they are only trying to reconnect with you because your ‘sibling’ died. Honestly, I wish I had the balls to do something like that because I totally would if I were in your situation. Your ‘parents’ should’ve realized that they can’t just expect you to want to talk to them again, especially since it wouldn’t have happened if your sister was still alive.
Drslappybags − They could have kept in contact the entire time. Phone calls, letters, emails,etc. This is on them.
ReviewOk929 − “so they kind of unceremoniously dumped me”. No words for this. AHs. “left before my bio parents could talk to me”. Can’t say I blame you. ” “Sorry, do I know you?” They said “We’re your parents!” and I said “My parents are at home.””. Yup think that’s about right. ” they remembered me now that my sister is gone” Sounds about right. You are not your sisters replacement. Your Aunt and Uncle are your parents not them. NTA
bluepvtstorm − NTA and I love this for you. It is chef’s kiss for execution. They did this to themselves. You are not a replacement for your dead sister.
When someone reappears after years of absence, how much do they deserve forgiveness? Can grief be a justification for reconnection, or do boundaries remain sacred? Share your thoughts below!
My parents both were young during WWII, and although Denmark didn’t experience many of the atrocities other countries did under German occupation, a lot of people still ended up with serious trauma as a result. My parents among them.
As a result, they didn’t have the strength to love and care for more than one aside from each other. So mu sister, as the oldest, got the love of my dad. My brother came first and my mom lost her heart to him. And when I popped out 20 minutes after him, there was no love left to give in them. So, I was just there so to speak.
Don’t misunderstand. They did not hate me. If my sister and brother got new clothes, so did I. When they were given presents, so was I in the same size/price. They never slapped me or mistreated me per se. The rules were the exact same for all 3 of us. Chores, home time and bed time, visits from or to friends, pocket money, the lot. There just wasn’t any love for me. And despite their best efforts, it showed and I felt it deeply and my siblings knew full well.
But it had another unfortunate side effect. When it came to what we wanted to be when we grew up, they accepted the wishes my siblings made. Not so with me. My dad had always wanted to join the army and make it to general and chief of the army. But he failed miserably and never made it to the academy. So the fact that I had come as an unexpected extra and they had not planned for me or harboured feelings for me made the choice easy for them. I was to be the fullfilment of his dreams by proxy whether I wanted to or not. And they left me in no doubt about this at any time through my upbringing. I protested this throughout, but was sent to my room everytime under kerfew for being “disobedient.”
The year I turned 18 and became legally adult, I applied for entry into the armed forces before I even turned 18. So I was summoned to the tests at the recruiting station shortly after. When the recruiter asked me where I wanted to serve, I answered that I had my sights on ship duty in the navy. He accepted this straight out since I had applied for contract duty instead of just going through enlistment.
When I got home after the session, dad immediately asked which regiment I had asked for. When I told him that I was going to be serving on ships in the navy, he demanded that I should contact the recruitment station and have it changed to the army, preferably one of the 2 regiments that served the royal family as guards. When I told him that I had deliberately applied for the ships duty, he exploded like the Hiroshima bomb and yelled about how I had to change it to the army whether I wanted to or not, or he would throw me out and denounce me. And that’s when I finally snapped. I told him to go ahead and do that, and the next day I went back to the recruitment station and explained my situation and asked if I could meet in at the navy barracks before time (2 months) and live there until it became time to start serving anyway. For some reason, they said yes, so a captain drove me home, helped me pack a few things and drove me to the naval station while others at the station contacted the naval station to make sure they would receive me. I was given a quarter and allowed to settle in the first day and the next day the dressed me up and gave me my military ID card and a petty officer took me under his wings until it was time to start serving in earnest.
I only rarely heard from family after that, but I do know that my dad exploded again when he eventually learned that I had graduated from the navy academy and had now reached rank that he never managed to do.
I wasn’t even trying to get back at him or anything, but when I put the 2½ stribes on my shoulders, I realised that I had exceeded his abilities and somehow proved him wrong all the way, and he never forgave me for it. But at that stage, I had my own life and my own family and didn’t care anymore. The navy and later my wife became my family and my happiness, and if he didn’t want to accept this it was his problem. Not mine.