AITA I chose not to go out on NYE and leave my elderly MIL with our 3 YO?

A Reddit user shares a conflict with their partner after deciding not to go out on New Year’s Eve due to concerns about leaving their 3-year-old with their elderly mother-in-law. The user was tired from work and unsure about the MIL’s ability to handle emergencies. However, their partner was upset about missing the chance for a rare night out. Did they make the right call? Read the story below.

‘ AITA I chose not to go out on NYE and leave my elderly MIL with our 3 YO?’

My partner is so upset with me at the moment. We rarely get to go out anymore due to lack of childcare for our 3 year old. I do plan day/ early dates with a sitter from time to time but it’s not great leaving her with someone during bedtime. I’m probably too uptight about this honestly. My SO surprised me with tickets to a NYE show 45 min away from our house. His mom is in town from another country for the holidays so we’d have childcare.

The day came and we both had concerns about leaving our 3 yo with his mom due to her not necessarily being great as a sitter and our 3 year old not warming up to her as we hoped she would. I’m also working all week and quite tired. We decided to forgo going and stay in for the evening. Or so I thought bc after I made dinner, he said let’s just go, we should have some fun.

I got upset bc why didn’t he express his enthusiasm for going before I got it in my head we were staying in? It’s hard for me to rally and get out if the house late. I was actually relieved when he said we shouldn’t go and then when he changed his mind I was upset and wouldn’t go. But again, I’m tired! And I’m not sure his mom would be ok watching our toddler through bedtime. AITA? Should I have just sucked it up and gone out?

Edit: info on my concerns about MIL as a sitter: she’s 77 and in ok condition. I would never leave my 3 yo with her in a public setting bc she would never be able to keep up with her and the child would be lost. Now in our house, especially in the evening where we could have potentially left after the kid was asleep, my main concern is if there were to be some type of emergency, my MIL would have no way to call 911 and would not know what to do in really any situation.

She would have to call my husband and we’d call 911 and come home. She can’t use the stove or the microwave, we show her but she just doesn’t get it. I don’t think she could turn the tv on. That kind of stuff. I would leave and go to a local restaurant but 45 min away to a show just seemed like too much.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Keena2016 −  Yta  You should have told your husband when he surprised you with the tickets not a few hours before you leave. And the way you talk about your MIL makes you sound like you have a stick up your b**t. 

PuzzleheadedRoyal559 −  Info: What was the show?

1890rafaella −  NTA Always trust your “mom” gut. If you feel a babysitting situation is not acceptable then don’t do it. You wouldn’t have enjoyed the outing anyway because you would be worried about your child.

Aromatic_Recipe1749 −  YTA. You said you could have left after the child was in bed. If your MIL could call you she could find 9-1-1 on the phone, that’s a ridiculous comment.

Mysterious_Bar_1069 −  He bought tickets, planned a special night, I would have gone. Remember to feed your relationship as it is important. Ok she isn’t the most talented sitter and your kid isn’t crazy about her, but a 3 year old can ride that out and will survive. Plenty of kids spend a night here and there with a sitter they are not head over heels with and survive.

I don’t think you’re an a**hole for not going, but am concerned that you are not making your partner’s feelings more of a priority, and the health of your relationship and and not giving yourself a bit of a stress break. I was very fussy about who I left my kid with but those concerns were they were bad drivers or drunks, not my kids did not warm to them.

He likely said it’s ok and then started to fume over the disappointment and I don’t blame him. Probably feel crappy to have envisioned breaking up the dullness and having a good time with you and then was really disappointed. Were I you I would apologize and tell him you are going to find a decent sitter and plan a date night. Maybe trade with another couple. We had trouble finding good sitters so I get it and the caution, but you both deserve a break.

Dazzling_Roof_3213 −  INFO: Your MIL can make a phone call but can’t turn on a stove or microwave? Or TV? Does she have dementia or do you have complicated “smart” appliances? Or does her country of origin not have any appliances, but phones? (Genuine question)  EDIT: NTA. I’m still very confused as to how she can manage to fly internationally by herself,  but not know how to buckle a seatbelt in your car or operate your faucet, etc… But regardless, you need a capable babysitter and she clearly is not it. 

1angryravenclaw −  3 yrs old is a good time to start putting your child in someone else’s care for a bit. MIL might not be agile, but it’s NYE. A 3 yr old should not be going to bed after 8pm. I would have had MIL put child to bed with you getting ready in the other room, give a kiss goodnight, and go *out*. Why couldn’t you leave at 8:30, get to the event by 9:15, and leave to come home at 12:30am?

Your relationship needs tending too, and spending attention/time on your spouse strengthens that essential relationship, and *also* helps your child begin to grow with multiple caregivers/environments. If you already know you hold on a bit tightly, then you probably hold on even more than you realize.

If child doesn’t have regular bedtime, or can’t take other caregivers, or has completely unregulated tantrums at 3, this is either the child’s medical need, or a sign of over-attached parenting. Take some time to develop regular calming/eating/bedtime routines, and start regular date nights with a hired professional if needed (stay home with babysitter the first time to get child used to them if you need to — this is absolutely worth paying for for your comfort as much as the baby’s). You and your husband are worth independent time, and actually, it’s good for your child too.

EnvironmentalAd6652 −  You’re really brave to post this is an open forum of people who are not new mothers! You are going to get a barrage of parenting advice from people not in your lane with no lack of empathy for your situation.
I’m a mom of 1.5 and 5 years old and I notice the few times my husband and I have just made the effort and went out, I’ve never regretted it.

I think 3 is a good age to start out with childcare. You can’t change anything now and you definitely are NOT an AH, but you gotta find time to cut loose. Maybe you’re not as social as your husband and don’t require the adult outting like he does?? I’m that person in my relationship, I need to get out sometimes. It’s good for your marriage and mental health.