My [27F] future FIL [mid 60sM] keeps telling everyone my fiancé [33M] needs to delay our marriage. Not sure how to address this.

A woman (27F) recently got engaged to her fiancé (33M) after 3.5 years of dating. While the engagement announcement was met with excitement from most of their families, her future father-in-law (mid-60sM) has consistently expressed disapproval by suggesting that they delay the marriage for several years.

His behavior has hurt her feelings, especially since it seems to be driven by his ongoing dislike of her, as he’s previously made it clear that she reminds him of someone he dated in the past. She’s unsure how to address this issue with her fiancé without causing tension. Read the full story below.

‘ My [27F] future FIL [mid 60sM] keeps telling everyone my fiancé [33M] needs to delay our marriage. Not sure how to address this.’

We got engaged on Christmas after 3.5 years of dating. We’ve been through quite a bit together and worked through everything that has come up, so I feel very confident about our communication and respect for each other.

Everyone that we announced it to has been incredibly happy for us, I love his family so much that I insisted we let them know first since we were about to physically see my family. My MIL is *thrilled* and immediately takes her phone to FIL.

This man has never liked me because I remind him of someone he dated (actual words to my partner) who made him unhappy. At the beginning of our relationship he repeatedly encouraged leaving me.

I figured he didn’t know me well and things would get better with time. He’s continued to be distant, but I was always told that was how he was in general and stayed respectful. When the phone gets to FIL and my fiancé shares the news his face is visibly pissed.

Both mom and partner encourage me to hold the ring up, and when I do he is NOT happy but clearly trying to hide it at this point. He says “isn’t he a romantic.” When my MIL asks if we’ve decided on a date he decides to chime in with “You need to wait at least 5 years.” We all laughed.

When we went to physically see them and the rest of their extended family everyone was elated and asking the same thing. He continued to jump in over us and say “at least 3-5 years”. He CONTINUED to say it every time and it became much less of a joke to me.

I started getting my feelings hurt and I got the vibe that he was “politely” stating that my fiancé shouldn’t tie himself to me. When I called my parents and mentioned it to them they were very upset and agreed that his words were passive aggressive. I want to discuss these feelings with my partner but I wanted to sit with it a bit. I’m still not exactly sure how to word it, so I’m looking for help.

**tl;dr future FIL has never liked me and took my engagement to his son poorly. When family was asking when we wanted to get married he would jump in to talk over us suggesting a pretty long engagement. I’m hurt and not sure how to nicely word my feelings.**

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Missy1726 −  How does your fiancé react to it? That will be the biggest tell of your future with him. I would grey rock the dad but if your fiancé isn’t sticking up for you then that’s your life from now on when visiting his parents

WielderOfAphorisms −  Your fiancé needs to talk with his father. It’s insane for him to hold against you that you remind him/FIL of someone he dated. It’s straight up bonkers…and stupid…and toxic. His opinion is irrelevant, but you don’t want a j**k ruining your happiness. If he can’t get it together, he needs to be sidelined.

sweadle −  His words aren’t passive aggressive. They are overtly aggressive. One, your fiance needs to shut down those comments when they happen. “What a weird thing to say dad, no we’re not going to wait that long. We’re excited to get married.” You don’t need to nicely word your feelings. FIL isn’t treating you nicely. You need to be blunt and point out that he is being weird and rude.

cMeeber −  Your fiancé is the one that needs to shut his father down. If he won’t stand up for you now then expect an entire marriage of that s**t. What kinda stuff will this guy say to your future kids?

OkaKoroMeteor −  This man has never liked me because I remind him of someone he dated (actual words to my partner) who made him unhappy. I’d gently caution you not to take that explanation at face value. Are you certain that explanation isn’t a cover for racism or some other prejudice?

Either way, I think the consensus that your fiancé needs to speak with his father is the correct one. He might consider leaning on your soon to be MIL, since it sounds like it sounds like she was happy for the two of you; his father’s expressed justification suggests he has the emotional intelligence of a toddler, so he might benefit from a stern talking to from a female authority figure.

AceyAceyAcey −  Check out r/JustNoMIL for other horrible stories of in-laws. It isn’t your job to make him come around, that’s your fiancé’s job, and if he doesn’t push back, that tells you something. Your job is to protect yourself. This may mean cutting him out of your life as much as possible, and if your fiancé can’t handle that, well that also tells you something.

Knittingfairy09113 −  Ask your fiancé why his dad keeps saying that. Say that you would appreciate it if he told future FIL to knock it off. This is something that he should be handling.

Inconceivable76 −  This is SO’s battle to fight. If he won’t fight it, you have a SO problem. tell him how FFIL’s comments are making you feel. That will guide the discussion.

fliccolo −  So actually, you have a fiancé problem.

gdubh −  Your fiancé needs to address it.

Family dynamics can be tricky, especially when there’s unresolved tension or disapproval. How would you address a situation where a family member expresses constant disapproval of your relationship or engagement? Have you experienced something similar? Share your thoughts below!