AITA for not offering money for kids hand me downs?

A Reddit user shares a situation involving kids’ hand-me-down clothes and a misunderstanding about gratitude. The user received clothes from her sister’s sister-in-law (SIL) and expressed appreciation but didn’t offer money. Her sister later gave $100 to her SIL, saying it was from the user, sparking feelings of irritation about the uncommunicated gesture. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for not offering money for kids hand me downs?’

I (40f) have three kids and my sister (38f) has two. Their ages are staggering 1-2 years apart and my little one is the youngest of the family. We, us sisters have a great relationship and we shared a lot during the early years and mine being the youngest, we got many hand me downs plus the ones from my own kids.

Last summer my sister’s SIL asked my sister if I would be interested in her kid’s clothes. I don’t really know her that well and I have plenty of hand me downs at home so I said she can pass them on to someone else who needs them. She insisted she would love to give them to me which I appreciated and I said I would love to take them with gratitude.

My sister’s SIL has only one kid in their entire extended family so they had tons of new clothes that have not been worn at all. So fast forward to few weeks ago, I was talking to my sister and I asked her about some sizes of hand me downs.

Lots of tags were cut off because the kiddos sensory issues so I was trying to figure out what was the latest size he wore so I can separate the piles.
And of course during the conversation I expressed how grateful I was and how nice of her to give us all these nice clothes.

So then my sister told me that she had given her SIL $100 and told her that I told her to give it to her as a thank you. That made me feel like it was her way of saying you prob should have done it but you didn’t so I did it for you.

So I told her thanks for doing that I was gonna ask you if I should send her a card or something. And i Venmo her $100. After our convo I felt a bit irritated. I felt like she could communicated that to me before she did that. I gave tons of hand me downs away to friends and local moms, and I don’t expect anything back in return.

I love that other kids would wear them and enjoy them. I did think about sending her a card and may be getting a little book or something cute for her kid but didn’t think I should send her money. Should have I don’t that? AITA for feeling irritable about the situation?

Check out how the community responded:

BeeJackson −  NTA- Hand me downs tend to be free, otherwise the person would take their stuff to a consignment store to sell. You are better than me because I wouldn’t have given her the $100.

It was like she stole from you. And now, it would be awkward to bring the topic up. Ts just a lesson learned for you to speak up for yourself more when dealing with her and these types of situations.

hadMcDofordinner −  Why did she think she should pay for hand-me-downs? Tell your sister to give the clothes back to her SIL, that you never agreed to BUY the clothes. SIL should have refused the money. I’ve never heard of anyone taking money for hand-me-downs. If she wanted money, she should have tried to sell them elsewhere.. NTA

b00kbat −  NTA, if I am offering to hand down something, the person I’m handing it down to is actually doing me a favor in getting it out of my house.

Usrname52 −  NTA. You tried to say no, she insisted, so you took them. She knew she wouldn’t make much money trying to sell them second hand (especially with all the tags cut off), so she tried to trick you/guilt you into paying for it.

Recent_Nebula_9772 −  After I thought about this for a while I came back to say that I think your sister wants you to pay her when she gives you hand me downs. You have the youngest and perhaps she’s pissed that you don’t have to buy very much and she does. Sounds silly but people start to get jealous over these things. NTA

Appropriate_Art_3863 −  NTA- Tags removed make it impossible to resale or take to consignment. I’ve never expected or given anything but a thank you or you’re welcome for hand me downs. 

NEUROTICTechPriest −  NTA. As others have said hand me downs are traditionally free and she has the benefit or being able to offload a b**t tonn of old clothing she doesn’t have a use for anymore.

RealTalkFastWalk −  NTA. It was unfair of your sister to decide for you how you should show gratitude. I would not have expected to pay for hand me downs, and even more so when I hadn’t sought them out. A card would have been sufficient.

Hand-me-downs are often given as gestures of goodwill, but expectations around gratitude can vary. Was the sister’s decision to give money on the user’s behalf helpful, or should she have communicated first? How should gratitude be expressed in situations like these? Share your thoughts below!