My (26F) boyfriend (27M) got really angry at a dinner in honor of me. What can I do?

A woman (26F) recently celebrated completing her postgrad finals with friends, including her boyfriend (27M), who became upset during the evening. Despite her attempts to include him, he refused to participate in taking pictures, seemed irritated during dessert, and later ranted about her and her friends being “out of touch” and “privileged.”

He also expressed insecurity about her success, claiming it was solely due to her upbringing. She feels hurt by his sudden shift in attitude, especially since he had never voiced such concerns before. Now, he’s sulking and refusing to speak to her. What should she do next?

‘ My (26F) boyfriend (27M) got really angry at a dinner in honor of me. What can I do?’

I’ve completed my last final for postgrad school and went out with some friends and he came too. He was relatively quiet but he is not usually talkative with my friends which is never a problem. But he started behaving strangely. I asked my friend to take a picture of me and him and he refused.

I asked if he could just take one for memories and he again said no. Like he was pouting and annoyed. I dropped it and just said okay. Keep in mind my boyfriend doesn’t have a college degree, which I never cared about it doesn’t bother me. His family wasn’t in a great financial situation so he had to sacrifice a lot, which I understand.

When we got dessert, my friends got a candle and asked the waiter to sing happy birthday as a joke. Just silly fun. I blew out the candle and tried to feed the first bite to my boyfriend and he said he didn’t want it and he’s not hungry. I didn’t push it and just ate it myself then.

When we got in his car, I said he smelled nice and looked so handsome and I tried kissing him and he told me to stop. Because we were alone I asked him why he was upset with me and he started ranting.

He said me and my friends are so annoying, we’re out of touch with reality, we’re spoiled and brainless, all we care about is dinners and makeup and superficial stuff and we’re so stupid for ordering cake and getting a candle.

I was like where is this even coming from? We’ve been together for a year and he never seemed to have an issue with my personality before. He said he just realized it then. Then he continued ranting and saying I’m not actually smart, I’m just privileged and only successful because I had a good upbringing and other people didn’t have the same opportunities. I know he’s technically right sure but it just felt s**tty to be told all of it when I was just celebrating.

I know he’s felt insecure about himself in the past but I always reassured him that I find him really intelligent and mature and respectable even if he doesn’t have a degree. I wouldn’t even be with him if I didn’t think he was smart or if I didn’t respect him. We got back to our apartment and he just sulked around and refused to talk to me. He’s still not talking to me.

See what others had to share with OP:

_FrozenRobert_ −  Well, thanks a lot to your BF for essentially being a selfish p**ck and trying to ruin your evening. That’s extremely disrespectful behavior. At the very minimum you deserve an apology from him, not the silent treatment.. And then there’s this:

“We’ve been together for a year and he never seemed to have an issue with my personality before. He said he just realized it then. Then he continued ranting and saying I’m not actually smart, I’m just privileged and only successful because I had a good upbringing and other people didn’t have the same opportunities. I know he’s technically right sure but it just felt s**tty to be told all of it when I was just celebrating.”

Well, it never SEEMED like he had an issue with you before, but it’s very likely he is very insecure about your different social standings and never verbalized it to you before. Then it built up inside him into a festering volcano of resentment. That’s likely why he behaved so badly at the dinner and ranted at you in the car.

So yes, he DOES have an issue with your college work, and obviously feels deeply insecure or jealous about your achievements. Which is a pretty immature attitude IMHO. A caring, loving partner would celebrate your post grad dinner, not act like a spoiled 12 year old at Chuck E Cheese.

Based on how you’ve handled this so far I’d give you a medal. He actively tried to ruin your special evening then treated you even worse in the car. You sound like a smart, caring, intelligent and articulate person. He sounds like a wounded and reactive j**k who can’t communicate effectively. Is this really someone you see a future with?

T00narmy1 −  Well you break up immediately, obviously. He just TOLD YOU that he’s realized that he DOESN’T LIKE ANYTHING ABOUT YOU. Like, your personanlity is annoying to him, he doesn’t respect you, he thinks poorly of you. He hasn’t apologized, he’s still sulking, aka HE STILL FEELS THAT WAY.

You would be insane to not leave him IMMEDIATELY for this. I don’t tolerate anyone speaking to me like this. Why would you accept that from your partner? Make excuses for him? WOnder how to reassure him? WHAT?

Girl, it’s not your job to reassure a grown ass man. He’s petty, he’s not happy for you, he doesn’t respect you, he’s admitted that he doesn’t like anything about you. Kick his ass to the curb and move on with your life.

FairyCompetent −  You cannot love a man who hates himself; he will come to hate you for loving him. Until your bf does some work on himself, he will not be able to be a healthy and safe partner for anyone. Eventually his low self worth will cause him to question what kind of person would want to be with a man like him.

There is nothing you can say to help or convince him. The problem is internal, it can only be repaired from inside. The more you try to show you care about and value him, the less he will respect you. I’m sorry he grew up in such a way that he has to overcome this challenge, but that’s something he will have to deal with and something you cannot be part of.

Opening_Track_1227 −  Please break up with this dude. His rant was how he really feels about you, he acted like an immature b**t at a party celebrating your success, and you deserve someone that will celebrate your wins with you. The right person will be your #1 fan.

merchillio −  Never let anyone dim your light. 20 years later, my wife still struggles with the impact of her ex telling her she talks too much and she’s too much. He just told you he doesn’t think you’re smart. I don’t think there’s anywhere to go with him after that

CTMom79 −  Your boyfriend is jealous of your success. You are smart or you wouldn’t have been able to complete your education. I wouldn’t date someone who looked down on me for getting an education and having fun with my friends.

DavidHikinginAlaska −  Congratulations on completing your studies! Well done! See, that wasn’t hard for a guy to do – to be happy for you, despite my having no advanced degree.\*

If he doesn’t see his own issues and fix them, this is an extinction-level red flag. If he’s going to resent you for having opportunities he didn’t (and ignore all the work you put in during college and grad school), that’ll get old really quick. It’ll become an excuse for his low effort at his work, not contributing equally to the household and the chores, and something he’ll invoke during every argument (as he just started doing).

If it were just that your friends have a different, more fun style than him, there’d be work-around like going out with them without him along, but this is deeper. But it just got real for him in a way it wasn’t before. You’re yet one more step up the social ladder of achievements than him and than he’ll ever be. His ego isn’t strong enough for that.

Guys are socialized to be the provider and the societal expectation is that the man is taller, more educated, and earns more. The ground truth on education flipped that 20 years ago with more women graduating college, and with women’s advances in the workforce and their better work ethic, female salaries are flipping too.

Yeah, you’ve reassured him about his intelligence but consider the stereotypical woman with body image issues. Her male partner reassuring her that he finds her attractive doesn’t magically fix her issues.

She got messages from her mother, mean girls in school, advertising, and society in general that her body doesn’t measure up and it’s rare that an accepting partner can make a big dent in that damage.

If this was a one-time thing, perhaps under the influence of alcohol, AND HE’S ABLE TO SEE WHAT HAPPENED (his insecurities being triggered), then maybe this can work. But if he’s going to hold this over you, you need to DTMFA because you can’t live the next 50 years being resented for (**putting in the work to take advantage of**) the opportunities you’ve had.

\* I, a lowly engineer, am fine being married to a double-board certified MD who has, since residency, earned more than me. So there are guys out there who aren’t insecure bags of slop and who would celebrate not denigrate your successes.

skinamarinkphone −  He’s acting like a toddler because you achieved something great and got celebrated for it and he had to sit there and not be special because he hasn’t achieved the same thing.

What you can do is let him sulk and then let him know he acted inappropriately. It’s fine to be insecure/upset about that aspect of himself, but he messed up a night about celebrating you when he should have been proud of you. Including throwing empty insults at you and your friends for zero reason.

If he’s that insecure about it, he should stop being s**tty and immature and realize he’s a grown man who can go to college now. But I get the sense he’d find a reason why it’s your fault he can’t get a degree now.

Bergenia1 −  That was a blessing in disguise. You are now fully aware of how much contempt and disrespect harbors toward you. You shouldn’t continue living with a man who hates you this much. Don’t let him dim your shine. You deserve to spend your time with people who love you and are proud of you.

Ok-Cheetah-9125 −  Yes, you are smart. You are doing postgrad work. Stupid people don’t do Masters or PhDs. He is jealous which is fine he can be jealous. He can tell himself he could do it if he had the money; even though it may not be true. Having the resources and having the ability are two different things.

But that doesn’t mean he gets to ruin your evening by sulking and insulting you. He owes you a big apology and he needs to work on himself. Don’t cater to his bad mood. It just reinforces the idea that it’s ok for him to treat you badly and ignore your accomplishments because he is jealous.

Have you experienced a situation where someone you love suddenly lashes out unexpectedly? How would you address their insecurities without diminishing your own feelings and achievements? Share your thoughts below!