AITA for not growing my hair out for my sisters wedding?

A Reddit user shares their dilemma about being asked to grow out their short hair for their sister’s wedding. Despite agreeing to compromises like wearing a pixie cut and even a suit, the user is criticized for their decision to stick to their preferred hairstyle due to sensory issues and personal identity. Were they wrong for refusing to change their appearance for the big day? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for not growing my hair out for my sisters wedding?’

Preface: I know this is a (surprisingly) common issue where people are expected to change their appearance for weddings, but I’d still like input for this particular situation.

I (17F) have an older sister, Ellen (19F). I’ll start with my hair. I have an incredibly short mullet. It’s shaved at the sides, is around 2 inches at the front and side and goes to my nape at the back. There’s a couple reasons for this. I am a more masculine type of girl, so I prefer the look of the shorter style – especially since my hair is very fine and needs a LOT of styling when long.

Im also autistic. Not high needs, but I do hate the feeling of hair touching my ears and having to pull out out of my face constantly. Concluding my many reasons for having short hair. Ellen is sort of the opposite of me. She’s always been into makeup and clothes etc. I remember us being kids and her trying to do my makeup and I absolutely hated it. Still, we’ve always been very supportive of eachother and she’s never said anything about my hair previously – unlike other members of my family who aren’t a fan. Until now.

She got engaged fresh out of high school, 18, and has been planning out her perfect wedding. It’s very complex with a lot of specific colour schemes and styles – and I’m going to be the maid of honour. The wedding is scheduled for May.

Ellen recently phoned me asking if I would be willing to grow my hair to around shoulder length for the wedding, to which I said no. It wasn’t out of spite or anything, but the issue isn’t having long hair on the day, it’s dealing with having long hair in the months leading UP to the day. I said I’d be absolutely willing to grow my hair into a pixie cut so it was more pleasing in pictures, but no real length.

It seemed like she was ready for this response, because she almost immediately called me selfish and said I was going to ruin her pictures by standing out (since I’m also wearing a suit, which she agreed to. I was okay with wearing a dress if she asked) and that I was going to be ‘parading around like a man’. I obviously got defensive and brought up that she TOLD me I could wear a suit, and she said it was just to be nice and she didn’t expect me to actually get one. But she ‘didn’t want to say anything and embarrass me.

We argued a bit more until she hung up. My whole family agree with her except for my nana. They aren’t aren’t rude about it with me, but they are saying that I should just grow it out because its “just hair” and I can cut it all off again later. My nana, a woman married twice who is the furthest thing from a romantic, believes that Ellen is being ridiculous and who cares about how one person looks in a photo. She should just be happy I’m there at all.

I haven’t talked to Ellen since the argument (happened on monday) and I’m still feeling tender and honestly insecure about the whole thing. I’ve debated just messaging her to take me out of the bridal party, but I think that might just be irrational.. AITA?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Human-Obligation3621 −  As described, your hair is too short to grow shoulder length by May. Even if you felt inclined to do it, you physically can’t. This entire fight is a nonstarter for that reason. You’d also be under no obligation to do it if her wedding was 2 years from now. It’s unreasonable for a bride to demand that someone change something about themselves so they fit the desired aesthetic. If what your wedding attendants look like matters more to you than who they are, ask someone who already fits your aesthetic. Don’t harass your loved ones. NTA.

KaliTheBlaze −  NTA. Your offer to switch to a pixie cut for her wedding was generous and kind. Her demand that you be in constant low level distress for months so that you’ll look the way she wants for her wedding is selfish and unkind.
Even if you were willing to grow your hair out for the wedding, there is no way your hair would make shoulder length anywhere except the nape of your neck.

In 6 months, you probably won’t even make it long enough to tuck the front behind your ear securely, since it takes about 10” of length to do that and the average speed for hair to grow is 1/2” per month. So her request is impossible in addition to being very unpleasant for you.

Now, this next bit is NOT something you should feel obligated to do in any way, but it might be a compromise worth considering if you think it would be tolerable and you’re feeling very generous. What about wearing a wig the day of the wedding? With a good quality wig, you can’t even tell it isn’t the person‘s own hair.

You could get one long enough have it styled so the hair is pulled back and not in your face at all (and having your wig styled that way would be a perfectly reasonable condition to put on the possibility of you wearing a wig). You would only have to tolerate the long hair for 1 day, your sister would get the long haired pictures she wants.

Obviously, wearing a wig might not be possible for you that day, with all of the other unusual stimuli and stress, so if you’re thinking “I don’t think I could do it” after reading that suggestion, then it’s not the right idea for you, and you can discard it without even a hint of guilt. If it would make you uncomfortable or unhappy, again, discard it as not for you.

PhilosophicalWarPig −  NTA for a multitude of reasons.
1) You can look however you want and nobody has a say in it. It’s a basic principle of society. I’m surprised your sister hasn’t cottoned on.
2) Ellen, being your elder sister, should be well aware of your preferences in terms of looks and your motivations, in particular being autistic and disliking the feel of hair on your ears. You’ve lived together for 18 years – how can she be unaware of this?

3) She is prioritising how you look over you being there, which should be her main concern and consideration. My brother can rock up to my wedding in a tutu for all I care – I just want him there, that’s all.

So your position is logical and your sister’s (and your family’s) views are not logical at all. I’m sorry but I can only conclude that they are uncomfortable with your style and your look and are creating a drama for this reason, to shame you into conforming with their ideals. There is no point giving in, because they’ll just push another boundary another time. The best thing is to stand up for yourself and not give an inch. Let them handle it.

HelenaHooterTooter −  This is a moot point. There is absolutely no way you can grow a mullet out to shoulder length by May, I’ve been growing my pixie out for a year and a half and it’s just past my ears. Besides which, it’s just hair – she can get over it. NTA.

PsychologicalJob9537 −  NTA – fundamentally you aren’t refusing to grow it out of spite or even necessarily aesthetics – your hair length is one of your accommodations you’ve taken steps to manage for your everyday comfort and ability to function. She doesn’t seem to realise that having your hair longer will increase your base stress levels leading up to and including the day and make it much harder for you to contribute and really be there in the moment on the day itself. You even agreed to grow to a pixie cut which is a generous offer in itself and a reasonable compromise.

The fact she brought the suit into it shows she has some hidden issues about gender conformity and presentation that she’s obviously not addressed previously and is choosing a frankly ridiculous moment to bring up, now. If she wanted you to wear a dress she should have used her words and said so. I think there’s more to unpack here than just the hair, tbh, but no, you’re not the AH here for not growing out your hair.

Tiny_Cauliflower_618 −  Second all the wig comments, but tbh, I would step down as MOH regardless, she obviously has a lewk she’s going for and you ain’t going to fit. The next thing after the hair and dress will be matching makeup, heels… Yada yada it will just get worse from here. One of her best friends will be absolutely delighted to take this role and I’m sure will look perfect in the photos. Perhaps you could offer to do a reading or be a witness instead.

Ps. I asked my sister if she wanted to be my MOH and she said no, very politely. She turned up and was an absolute champ throughout the rest of the family being a nightmare, and I have nothing but good memories of her at my wedding, and we have a great relationship. Very different people, but we work hard to understand one another.

BellamyRdExpat −  NTA – hug your Nana and tell your sis that you come as you are, not as she wishes you were.

OscillatingFox −  INFO: Are you a Time Lord? If not, how does your sister expect your hair to grow from shaved sides to shoulder length in five months? Eta: I have a similarish style to you, and hair that astonishes my hairdresser with its speed of growth, and there’s no way mine would be shoulder length by May. I might manage a bob.

BaitedBreaths −  NTA. It sounds like your sister just wants a picture perfect wedding day, not a marriage. Marriage is about love and acceptance and getting along even when you don’t agree with someone you love’s opinions, tastes, etc. You’re you, and you like your hair the way it is. Your sister should be able to look beyond that. Very few 19-year-olds are ready for marriage, and I’m afraid your sister isn’t one of them. Besides, pixie cuts are adorable and that’s a very reasonable compromise! You sound more mature than your sister.

ParticularAd1735 −  NTA. Your nana knows what’s up.