AITA for Cutting Off My “Mom” After Learning She’s Actually My Grandmother?

A 22-year-old woman recently discovered that her “mom” is actually her grandmother and her “older sister” is her biological mother. Her grandmother raised her to avoid the stigma of te*nage pr**nancy, while her biological mother kept the secret for years. Upon learning the truth, the woman feels betrayed and overwhelmed, avoiding both her grandmother and biological mother while she processes the revelation. Her grandmother accuses her of being “selfish and ungrateful,” while her biological mother pleads for forgiveness.

‘ AITA for Cutting Off My “Mom” After Learning She’s Actually My Grandmother?’

I (22F) recently learned a devastating family secret, and I’m struggling to even put it into words. My entire life, I thought my mom (54F) was the one who raised me as a single parent. She always said my dad wasn’t in the picture and that she sacrificed a lot to give me a good life.

My “older sister,” Emily (37F) (not her real name), was always around when I was a kid. She lived with us until I was about 12, and I adored her. She was the fun, carefree sibling who always treated me like her little buddy. But when I hit middle school, she moved out, and we grew distant. I figured that’s just how adult siblings are.

About a month ago, Emily came to visit, and she looked so nervous the entire time. Eventually, she sat me down and said, “I need to tell you something, and you’re not going to like it.” That’s when she told me she’s not my sister—she’s my mom.
I didn’t believe her at first, but then she started showing me old photos and documents.

She explained that she got pr**nant with me at 15 and that my “mom” (who’s actually my grandmother) decided to raise me as her own to avoid the stigma of a t*enage pr**nancy. Emily told me she wanted to keep me, but my “mom” convinced her it was the only way I’d have a stable life and future.

When I confronted my “mom,” she didn’t deny it. She said she “did what she had to do” and acted like I was ungrateful for being upset. She even accused Emily of being selfish for telling me the truth and “ruining the family dynamic.”

I feel like my entire life has been a lie. I don’t know how to feel about Emily—I understand she was a scared teenager, but part of me feels betrayed that she let this go on for so long. And my “mom” doesn’t seem to think she did anything wrong.
I’ve been avoiding both of them while I try to process this, but my “mom” keeps calling me selfish and ungrateful, and Emily keeps begging me to forgive her.

I know some people might think this story isn’t real, and honestly, I wish it wasn’t. I’ve never wanted anything to be less true in my life. AITA?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

UGA_99 −  Family therapist here – this happens more often than you’d think. Not therapeutic advice, just some thoughts as a suggestion to please try to get some counseling if needed. All the people saying “YTA” – this is a stunning discovery for someone, OP has a right to her feelings. I’m going with nobody is an A. Everyone should be understanding that you need some time to process this.

The important thing is to remember is how loved & wanted you were even before you were born. Was it a storybook scenario, maybe not. But you’re old enough no that very few people live storybook lives. Your dramatic event is at the very beginning of your story, later in childhood for your sister/mom and adulthood for your mom/grandma.

When your sister/mom came home pr**nant there were multiple choices to be made and the decision was made to not only complete the pr**nancy but to keep you in the family. No doubt your sister/mom went through it being pr**nant at 15. It had to have been hard for her to be pr**nant at 15. She had to know the difficulty (putting it mildly) of the prospect of providing for herself and a baby when she couldn’t even legally drive.

I imagine your mom/grandma thought her years of raising/ providing for another infant were long past. They worked out having you, providing for you and keeping you in the family. Perhaps imperfectly, and that can be a lot, but it sounds like they both always loved you. Please get some family therapy OP. Contact your insurance provider, most all cover at least a half a dozen sessions now. Most areas have community mental health centers that provide services on a sliding scale.

Sometimes it’s possible for everyone to have the best of intentions and still end up hurting one another…even making bad choices. And I’m not saying anyone made a great or terrible choice here. Your sister/mom was a child herself. Your mom/grandma saw her beloved daughter’s likely life & future as a 15 year old mother and was scared, I’m sure. I’m guessing you understand that the outcomes for pr**nant 15 year olds who are put out on the street are typically terrible.

Did your mom/grandma tell you the only reason she did what she did was to “spare herself” embarrassment? Just wondering, because there were other options if she didn’t want anyone to know your sister had gotten pr**nant @ 15.
Please leave room for the idea that your mom and grandma can both love you and still have not made the choices you would have made.

As far as your mom/grandma acting like this is no big deal, I get that you need validation that this is a HUGE deal to you. HUGE. She and I are about the same age, and I can tell you that in previous generations this was simply how many teen pr**nancies were handled. Grandma raised the baby as her own and it was never, ever, ever spoken of again.

Now in her mind / heart you are her daughter. Sometimes people fear they will lose a role / identity that’s important to them and get very upset. Please try and get some family therapy, and it wouldn’t hurt if you wanted to try some individual therapy for yourself to sort out your feelings.

Please try and hold on to your good memories of both your sister/mom & mom/grandma as you all sort through this. And remember you are entitled to feel all the things you are feeling, however you feel about it. Wishing you all the best OP, for you and for your family.

themistycrystal −  So your grandmother had your mother at 17 and your mother had you at 15. I’m pretty sure your grandmother’s age when she became a parent plays into this. She knows what she had to give up and how it affected her life and I’m sure she didn’t want that for her daughter. You were kept in your family and loved. That’s her perspective. You are shocked and dealing with a lot of emotions right now. I hope you can get some therapy to help you move through this. NTA.

TofuTheBlackCat −  Two things can be true. Your mother’s can love you, and you can love them. You can also feel betrayed, and they might not understand. Humanity is complex, and this is a huge revelation for you. I think at the end of the day, this will take time to accept and decide what the right way forward is for you. I encourage you to be kind, both to yourself and your family will you all figure out a new dynamic

summilux7 −  I think this is a lil too nuanced for a binary YTA/ NTA decision. Your mom was 15 and your grandma did her best. Being upset is understandable, but cutting off your de facto mom sounds s**tty.

wpkorben −  I think the exact same thing happened to Jack Nicholson.

Secret_Sister_Sarah −  This is definitely something for a family counsellor, not Reddit. I have heard of other families who have gone through the same exact thing; it’s not as common any more, now that single mothers are less stigmatized, but it’s not unheard of. Sorry you had to find out right before the holidays. I’m thinking NAH, because, imagine how everyone felt back when you were born – they didn’t want to give you up for adoption by strangers, and in your grandma’s messed up mind, I think she really did believe she was doing the best thing for both you and her daughter.

Fresh_Kiss_ −  NTA. First of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Finding out something so massive about your identity and family out of nowhere has got to be completely overwhelming. You have every right to feel hurt, betrayed, confused, or whatever emotions are coming up for you right now. This is a *lot* to process, and no one gets to tell you how to feel about it.

Objective_Fault_1485 −  NTA – for needing time to process this. I have a cousin who was raised similarly like this, and was hinted that their believed sister was actually their bio mom around their teenage years. It has since been confirmed (now in their 30s), but due to how they were raised, they refer to their bio mom by their given name, and bio grandmom is considered to be their mom, no ifs, and or buts.

As a family, we respect their decision. They also have bio siblings, which wasn’t learned until around their early 20s, they’ve welcomed them and call them their siblings. Take your time in processing your feelings, they’re valid.

ColdSeason2019 −  NAH but you are definitely entitled to feel everything you’re feeling!!! This is so above Reddit pay grade but man oh man, OP I hope you can learn to navigate this new dynamic. Sending you love.

Ok_Village_3304 −  I’m going with NAH. This happens far more than you’d think. It’s coming out even more than it used to thanks to amateur genealogists and home DNA kits. You’ve been born in 2002, based on the math. A pr**nant 15 year old in 2002, especially depending on where you lived, was *not acceptable* almost anywhere. Schools would make it difficult or impossible to continue getting your high school diploma. To some degree, it’s still that way. They did this especially if they kept the baby.

Your mom would not likely have graduated high school, not gone on to get higher education or spent years longer than you normally would. The majority of teenage mothers that keep their baby to this day and up in poverty at some point.

I’m sure that your grandmother thought she was doing the right thing – keeping her daughter on a track to have an education (secondary and post-secondary), continue having friends (because most no matter what they say disappear because they’re lives haven’t just massively changed and continue their activities.) She became your mom, your mom became your sister and was able to keep being a teenager.

But you’re now 22. This conversation should’ve started about the time you were cognitively and emotionally able to handle that issue. Like when your sister moved out. Not bluntly “she’s not your sister she’s your mom” but conversations about why she left, why she wasn’t coming around, especially once you were the age she was when she got pr**nant with you at 14 or 15.

So there is a little bit of being stupid on your grandmother’s part thinking it would be hidden forever. There’s also some stupidity in blaming your mom for “upsetting the family dynamic.” That was done 22 years ago. Your mother should’ve used some more sensitivity. You hold no blame, and I hope once you have more time to process this you can have a long talk, all three of you together. Preferably with a family therapist involved.