UPDATE – Is my (24F) mother (56F) overreacting about me wanting to spend Christmas as a newlywed with just my husband (27M), or am I in the wrong?

A Redditor provided an update about spending Christmas as a newlywed, despite her mother’s disapproval. While reaffirming her plans, she faced accusations of being disrespectful, silent treatment, and fabricated stories from her mother.

Despite the tension, the couple enjoyed their private Christmas and discovered they’re expecting their first child! Read the full update below to see how this family drama unfolded.

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/hTSOr

‘ UPDATE – Is my (24F) mother (56F) overreacting about me wanting to spend Christmas as a newlywed with just my husband (27M), or am I in the wrong?’

So Christmas has been and gone, and there was a bit more drama than I wanted. After my original post I contacted my mother to reaffirm to her the reasons we wanted to spend Christmas Day itself on our own, and she said that she understood, and said she looked forward to seeing us on Boxing Day.

However, a few hours later I got a call from my father asking why my mother was crying and saying that I’d rung her up screaming and shouting about her interfering with our life. I said that nothing like that happened, and that it hurt that she was accusing me of that when I was just trying to be mature about the situation.

My father sympathised, and said he’d try to talk to her about it. I checked in frequently in the days up to Christmas, but my mother read and ignored my messages. Whenever I spoke to my father he said that she was telling him I hadn’t been in contact and she was waiting for me to apologise, but he had seen that I was in her call and text history.

He advised that visiting on Boxing Day might not be the best idea, but if it got to that stage he would visit us alone since none of this was our doing.
We had our own private Christmas Day, during which we found out that I was pregnant! We had started trying for our first child in secret a few months ago, but didn’t suspect anything until I felt sick at the smell of turkey!

We’re going to keep this our little secret for the next few weeks at least with everyone, my husband’s family included. I texted my mother to wish her a Happy Christmas in the morning, and sent another text in the evening asking if she still wanted us to go up to visit tomorrow – I got a one word reply, ‘no’.

We took my mother at her word and we didn’t visit the following day – I think she was expecting me to grovel at her feet begging for forgiveness, but that’s not going to happen anymore. I called my father and told him that she had decided that we weren’t visiting and it definitely wasn’t on our end.

He visited in the afternoon and brought the dog, and we all went for a walk instead of worry about what my mother was doing or saying to other people about it. Apparently a horde of her friends have been told that I shredded her Christmas card and posted it back to them among other things,

but I’m done worrying about what my mother says. I’m not at this stage going to completely cut her off or say she can’t see her future grandchild, but our relationship is definitely strained.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

BalancetheMirror −  I am really concerned about how much she is lying to your father, her *husband*. He also *knows* she is lying. And she told a pretty big lie to an entire group of friends. This is really troubling. But wow, did you all handle the situation well! Wow! Great job there.

I think she absolutely wanted you to grovel (what did she want you to apologize for anyway?), and you just went about your plans. I’m glad Dad followed through as well and visited. Just brilliant, calm, mature behavior shown by the three of you. And what a great Christmas gift! Congrats!

[Reddit User] −  Congrats on your pregnancy! You might find some good techniques on dealing with your mother and her obvious lying issues on r/justnomil

UnknownStaleness −  Congrats on both the pregnancy and the new shiny spine! You and your husband (and your dad) did good against a full on toxic manipulation stunt with Christmas bells on. People in the original post suggested subs here you’ll find useful but I think with a baby on the way you’re going to need a bit more crazy-proofing.

I don’t want to armchair diagnose but I do get a strong Cluster B personality disorder whiff from your mom so I suggest you order a copy of ‘Will I Ever Be Good Enough?’ by Karyl McBride about the daughters of n**cissist moms and also grab Shannon Thomas’s book ‘Healing From Hidden Abuse’.

Both are about ten bucks each on Amazon and worth as much as a some professional therapy if not more if your therapist doesn’t understand crazy making moms. The best way to proof your new family against your mom is to understand that she wants a reaction more than a relationship and she will do anything for it.

You will never understand why she chases that reuplsive high of attention and drama so much because you are not wired that way and would not treat your kid or anyone else like that. The fact you don’t understand her is what will ultimately proof you against her as long as you set your boundaries and stick to them.

This may be very low contact, leaving the room when acts up, going full no contact or whatever works for you. That’s a personal choice you make for you as one size does not fit all.

But be aware that she’s likely to ‘repent’ when she finds out about the grandkid so she lulls you into a false sense of security where you tell yourself that she’ll be different with junior because you want to believe your mom isn’t toxic and you didn’t suffer her s**t yourself.

And this is where you might need therapy as well as simply toxic proofing, you did suffer and she won’t be different with your kid. She’ll just use your baby as her newest source of drama and control because a person who treats their own child the way she has clearly treated you all your life isn’t going to treat any other tiny baby better.

People of any age are just objects for her unquenchable thirst for attention. And any time you try to tell yourself she’ll be different this time I suggest you listen to the song ‘The Snake’ by Al Wilson and remind yourself predators cannot turn cuddly.

I have a mother like yours and for me therapy, educating myself on Cluster B personality disorders and full estrangement was the only way to go. Cutting her off was the easiest bit though because the lack of drama was so restful. It was working through my childhood and dealing with the ‘but faaaaaaaamily’ folk that was hard. Both absolutely worth it though.. Good luck!

[Reddit User] −  Do yourself a favor and do not just wait a few weeks to tell your family you’re pregnant, wait longer. If possible, get the excitement and enjoyment of revealing your pregnancy to friends (who do not know your parents) whenever you get that itch.

You don’t know how this pregnancy will make you feel yet (sick, fatigued, moody, etc.), so just spare yourself the effort of having to deal with your mother for as long as you can.

fwooby_pwow −  The second your mom finds out you’re pregnant, she’s going to act like nothing happened. Don’t let her get away with it. She needs to be accountable for her lies.

whoopsiegoldbergers −  Congrats on everything! A new marriage, and now a baby? This is a really beautiful time. Now the next bit. Take what anyone says with a grain of salt, me included. You know your relationship best. My mother has done this to me as well. I tried for years to please her.

Using that to go one, your mom probably doesn’t see you as a person. She likely sees you as a resource of attention for herself. Having your own life, and beginning your own family, might bring out the worst in her. … And having a father that “gets it” is both a good and strange sign. He can’t rationalize with her. But atleast he won’t abandon you.

If you suspect she’ll get worse. I suggest you set your boundaries now. What are you willing to put up with? Possibly include your husband and father in the discussion. Your priority should be to protect yourself and your new family. If it continues, remember that you DO NOT need to please or include your mother.. Good luck, and congrats again!

Cquest12 −  First off congrats on the pregnancy! What fitting news to come of this tough situation. Your husband and yourself had to stick to your guns in instating new boundries for your new family. Looks like the family is growing. I’d like to imagine this news is a gift that you and your husband earned.

I am very impressed in how you handled the situation. The lies and manipulation must have been hard to not engage in. I guess that’s why people CHOOSE to engage in such a deplorable tactic. I’m glad your dad is making the choices he did.

He also had to stick to his guns and I’m sure he’s getting flak for it from your mom. I guess now we can all hope your mom will eventually get over her tantrum. I wish you and your family the best! Keep up the strong and mature effort!

CaptainHope93 −  Is the lying out of character for your mum? I’ve definitely met people who are oberdramatic, and would make a scene out of the visiting issue, but this is a whole other level.

She’s been telling people that you sent back a shredded Christmas card?? What the f**k?? If this is out of character, it might be a good idea for her to check in with a doctor. Behaviour like this could be a sign that something deeper is wrong.

DustyShacklechevy −  Eventually she is probably going to try to make amends. Especially if she finds out you’re pregnant. That’s cool. But please keep this in mind: my mother was crying and saying that I’d rung her up screaming and shouting about her interfering with our life

her friends have been told that I shredded her Christmas card and posted it back to them among other things. TAKE HER TO TASK FOR THIS. Don’t let her yadda yadda this s**t. Don’t let her pretend it didn’t happen.

Those are blatant lies and you should make her acknowledge each one: that she lied, that she slandered you, and that she did it on purpose. Trust in her needs to be rebuilt because now you and everyone else knows she’s perfectly fine making s**t up to try to get her way or shame her on daughter.

HoldEmToTheirWord −  Your mother is unstable.

Do you think the Redditor’s decision to maintain her boundaries while navigating family tension was the right approach? How would you handle a strained relationship with a parent while protecting your peace and celebrating personal milestones? Share your thoughts below!