My (31m) wife (34f) is ghosting our marriage

A man shares his heartbreak as his wife unexpectedly left him after nearly 10 years of marriage. Despite no apparent conflict between them, she has withdrawn, leaving him in a state of confusion and emotional pain. He believes her behavior might be linked to the grief of losing her father and her overwork, but she refuses therapy or any attempts at communication, leaving him uncertain about what to do. Read more below.

‘ My (31m) wife (34f) is ghosting our marriage’

My wife left me on April 9. She came home from work early for the first time in months, said we needed to talk then said we love each other, we care for each other and we’ve never had a lack of affection, but that she’s unhappy and she’s leaving me. She packed a bag while I was trying to talk to her and she left.

We’ve been together for nearly 10 years. Nothing happened. We weren’t fighting, no skeletons in closets, she didn’t meet somebody else. We’ve both been digging in and trying to get through the grind lately but she did this completely out of the blue. She’s barely talked to me since. She never replies to me, only comes with prepared statements, says them (writes them) and ghosts again without actually talking to me.

All I can think is that last October her dad died and they were extremely close and it has been really hard on her. I’ve been trying to help as much as I can, I encouraged her to go to a therapist and tried to make her feel loved and comforted at home but instead she’s been throwing herself into work nonstop for probably 6 months at this point. I’m talking 6 am until 9 pm every day.

She’s not only pushing me out but she’s pushed anyone who asks about us away too. From what I’ve been able to gather from mutual friends she’s working even harder now, and destroying her reputation at work while she’s at it because she’s micromanaging everyone.

Since she left I’ve been asking her to go to couples therapy with me but she won’t. She refuses to even try and save the relationship. She said it’ll just hurt like this again when it happens next time, but I can’t convince her that there doesn’t have to be a next time.

That no matter what we aren’t the same people we were before she left me and that if we try and work together we can grow from this and be stronger. She can’t see any of it and I’m afraid she’s completely ignoring what she’s doing by working so much she can’t think about anything else.

I hoped her mom could talk her down but she threw me under the bus the second she realized if she pushed back my wife would cut her out, despite the fact I took a lot of time off of work last year to help her after the funeral and after she had some surgeries. My wife’s best friend from work and another of her close friends messaged me separately and both said she’s not acting like herself but they can’t say anything to her or she’ll push them out too. It’s like everyone is just giving her room to self destruct.

I keep telling myself it’s going to be ok, she’s going to realize she doesn’t have to do this, but it’s been 20 days and I’m starting to lose hope. I don’t know what to do. I have my finances in order I know what I can and can’t do on my own, but I can’t leave because I’m not giving up on her but every day I wake up surrounded by the cold remains of “us” and it hurts so bad I can hardly breathe.

Tl;dr my wife is having a depressive episode (I think) and left me..

Edit – I think I might have misrepresented what I’m doing. I’ve cut contact. I’m not spamming her or trying to make her talk to me anymore. The first few days I tried everything I could think of, but I do respect that she needs space and I’ve since cut all contact unless I absolutely have to talk to her and even then it’s only about logistics.

I’ve examined my financial situation and I’ve made plans on how to move forward and I plan on doing it. I’m going to the gym to help with the anxiety and stress, I’m eating healthier, and I’m trying to find a therapist for myself. I’m doing everything I can to actually move on and get through this.

The problem is just that I feel a lot of guilt about, what if she’s actually in crisis and I leave. Everyone else is ready to just let her self destruct so they can pick up the pieces later and I feel like that’s not what she needs. The other side is she won’t let me help so I don’t have a choice but to go and that hurts too.

I also know I’m being unfair to her mother and friends in this post. I have told them all during our separate conversations that I understand why they’re doing what they’re doing but it still hurts all the same. I do want them to be there for her if she’ll let them.

Also — I 1000% agree that this is very one sided. I’m literally just saying what I understand to be happening and I fully accept that I don’t know her reasons for doing this and that’s part of what makes this so hard. I thought we were good at communicating to one another but apparently I thought wrong or something changed and took that communication with it and I didn’t see it.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

javanator999 −  Unfortunately you can’t prevent someone from blowing up their own life if they are really determined to do so. People in depressive episodes often cut away their support network and that seems like what she is doing. It sucks, but at this point you need to worry about protecting you. I’d talk to a lawyer.

Azzaphox −  Wow. Well she sounds very determined. I guess get some therapy/support just for you to make sure if what you think. Then prepare? You feel blindsided and want to get her back? Or move on?

SadnessPropeller −  Had something similar happen to me and while it has worked out in the end, it took a full year. I obviously can’t say with any degree of certainty your situation will improve at all. You’ve made it clear to her you’re going to give her space so do just that. Cut contact with her unless she contacts you first. Try not to think about her. Get yourself out of the house as much as possible so as to not wallow in the memories of you both in that space.

If you keep texting, mailing, phoning or whatever that is the opposite of giving space and she will resent you for that and it might make things so much worse.. Keep yourself occupied.

MommaBearJam −  It sounds like a very depressive episode. You can’t force her to do anything. It sounds like she needs space and is ignoring you to get it. I would just send her one last email- you’re giving her space, you want to try counseling,etc.. but otherwise you should start seeing a counselor alone and start to process this.

[Reddit User] −  She’s not ghosting you. She very clearly told you it’s over. I’m sorry. You need to move forward with your own counseling and find your way to heal.

aenflex −  Does your wife have a history of depression? Of doing things like this, making rash, life-altering decisions without any apparent reason? Or is this out of the complete blue sky?

OofPleases −  You said she was really close with her dad, so she might feel that anyone who she feels really close to will just die and leave her feeling unhappy again. So she is cutting you out so she doesn’t feel hurt if you leave. I’m just a young person saying what I think is going on. I don’t have much relationship experience and probably can’t dissect this situation as someone who is older and wiser then me.

[Reddit User] −  I took a look through your previous posts and I think you’re leaving a few keys things out here that I am wondering if they are the source for her sudden 180.. I see you’ve been in an open marriage and you’re bi. I have a friend who was in an open relationship for almost 10 years and they broke up a few months ago.

He also said “it’s great, we’re totally on the same page” etc. etc. and she broke up with him from what his perspective was out of nowhere, but essentially she had been in an open relationship for him and suddenly realized that it wasn’t what she wanted anymore and one of her partners helped her realize that.. ​ Just seems like this is an important component that may be influencing her decisions.

Watchyomouth −  My boyfriend did this out of grief as well. I can say, trying to stay and fix it has only hurt us both and has been more to damaging the relationship in his state of mind. I wish I would have just taken the space but the same, no one could tell him anything or he would cut them off.

You know yourself and your wife so take this as you will, my advice, give her the space and give yourself the space as well for your mental well being (it will drive you insane trying to figure out what you did wrong, what changed, etc..)

It may take time or she may never come back to the person she was. As a partner you accept both outcomes but in this scenario, for yourself, take the space. You decide how you want to deal with it and how long you want to wait. You still have a say in all this even though it seems like its external factors affecting your relationship, you have a right to be happy.

tfresca −  Let it go. This isn’t a movie. If she wants out this badly you can’t win her back. Let it go. Live your life. Honestly the best thing to do in these situations is move on. Seeing you happy and maybe with someone else is the only thing that may get her to wake up.

It’s incredibly painful when a partner withdraws without clear reasons. How do you cope with the uncertainty and emotional weight of a situation like this? Have you been through something similar, and how did you manage to move forward? Share your thoughts and support in the comments below.