My [25F] professor [30M] asked me to go on a date after I graduate next month.

A recent graduate shares a unique dilemma: her professor, a mentor who helped her through a challenging semester, has asked her out on a date now that she’s graduating. While she likes him, she’s uncertain about potential impacts on their professional reputations and her future career. Read her full story and questions below.

‘ My [25F] professor [30M] asked me to go on a date after I graduate next month.’

I’m currently getting an MA in Communications, set to graduate next week. This past semester, I had a professor (lets call him Mark) who has been a great mentor and resource while I was completing my thesis. His class was quite difficult, but he was always willing to offer assistance to those who needed it.

I did well in his class, although he graded me pretty harshly in the beginning. I was going through a fairly stressful time then (found out my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer) and it definitely reflected in my assignments.

He told me that he knew I had more potential than this and asked if there was anything else going on. I confided in him and he offered some words of comfort, but told me that if I needed extensions on any assignments, to tell him beforehand. I accepted the low grades but worked my ass off for the rest of the semester, which showed in my final grades.

Now, I will preface this next part by saying that Mark is incredibly attractive. Girls in the class, who normally would wear jeans and a tshirt to school, will come dressed to impress. Mark is a very good teacher, engaged and incredibly knowledgeable, but he refuses to join in on any social events, pub nights, etc. I figured he must be incredibly private.

I have a few interviews set up for positions within my field. I have a few references lined up and sent Mark and email asking if he could write me a letter of recommendation. We decided to meet at a Starbucks close to the school a week later (yesterday).

We were chatting about summer plans, the jobs I’ve been applying to and other random things when he clears his throat and became really serious. He slid over the recommendation letter in a sealed envelope and told me that he would be interested in going out for dinner with me after my commencement.

I asked if he meant as a date, to which he said that he tries to keep his professional life professional and not mix it with his personal life, but since I will be graduating and no longer a student at the college, he would like to take the opportunity to potentially pursue something romantic with me.

I’m pretty sure I was blushing but I just told him that I needed to think about it, to which he completely agreed and hoped he didn’t make me uncomfortable. He seemed kind of withdrawn and flustered after that and we left separately shortly after.

This was yesterday and I haven’t heard from him/responded to his offer. On one hand, I do really like him but never thought he would be interested in me. The idea of pursuing something more than a teacher/student relationship is definitely something I would enjoy, but would that impact my reputation, or his?

I don’t want to do anything that puts his job on the line, and even though I’m no longer his student (final grades were submitted two weeks ago), is this still too soon to pursue something?

And, if I do accept, I know I will no longer be able to use him as a character or academic reference, which is fine, but now I’m hesitant to submit the letter of recommendation he compiled for me.

Reddit, I need advice. Would this affect my professional life, or his? Have you had any relationships with former professors? Is this completely wrong? I didn’t feel the slightest bit uncomfortable or creeped out by his proposition, but I’m not sure if my judgment is clouded by infatuation. Your advice would be appreciated!

TLDR: My college professor asked me to go on a date with him after I graduate. Is this wrong?. Edit: A word

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Inorai −  In my opinion, once you graduate you are no longer his student and if you two want to bang the night of graduation that’s no one’s business but the two of you. You’re close in age and have a good relationship from what it sounds like.

He’s respectfully keeping his distance and letting you think through this. You *would* have to lose his character recommendation. But let’s be honest, it will be difficult to use for much longer even if you do turn him down.

juicyjcantt −  At the end of the day, as a 30 year old professor with tons of female grad students wanting the D, he’s conducted himself just fine. He sounds like he’s not let the academic integrity of his grading be compromised for any student, and he’s never dated a student.

MANY professors who work with grad students will rationalize out the ass – oh, he or she is 25, they are adults! This isn’t some college freshman, this is someone who’s one of the best and brightest of their field, a full grown adult, choosing to be interested in me! I’ve seen it from both sexes, and I do get it – you’ve got two adults talking and collaborating on projects are their passion and life.

So I’d say go for it if you are interested in him. He’s taken great pains to do it the right way. But if you feel icky about it or you get a bad vibe, then don’t, it’s your call 100% because we don’t really know him.

It could be a shtick and he could do this with a lot of his female students right when they graduate – if you feel suspicious of the “young handsome professor” character with endless charisma, then you’re 100% entitled to say no, and you don’t have to give a reason.

nicqui −  I’m a (female) Professor, FWIW. Your Prof has gone to lengths to stay professional and appropriate. The fact that he doesn’t attend social events with students is telling. He legitimately doesn’t want to give anyone the wrong idea.

My only advice is to tell him you didn’t feel the slightest bit uncomfortable or creeped out by his proposition, because his mannerisms (after asking you out) indicate he was worried you may have felt uncomfortable.

(edit: and as others are saying, don’t use his recommendation – you’ve commented you have other options). Have fun… teachers marry (former) students all the time… but no pressure. 😉

FriendlyEar2hear −  Go for it. Anyone that has anything negative to say about the relationship doesn’t know what they’re talking about and will only be proving themselves fools. I think no one will bat an eye.

TexasRadical83 −  This is a potential gray area, and 99 times out of 100 a teacher asking out a student is not okay. In this instance, however, I see a few things that make me less concerned:

1. You are a graduate student, not an undergrad or (blech) high school student. There is a much more peer-oriented relationship between instructors and students in graduate school.

2. Your ages are both appropriate and near enough to each other. Five years is a long time between a 17 and 22 year old, but 30 and 25 is no issue at all, in my experience. You are both adults and capable of making informed decisions about s** and relationships. You’ll see lots of posts on here from 21/22 year old students and their 47 year old professors–much less okay usually.

3. He has kept his boundaries clear and has waited until there is no possible quid pro quo going on. He even slid over the recommendation letter before he asked you out. The whole reason teacher/student relationships are so typically inappropriate is because of the differences in power.

Teachers have power over you, authority over you, and when that gets mixed up with s** abuse is almost inevitable. He waited until all the grades and recs and everything was in and even asked to wait until you graduate. I think that this is indicative of real emotional intelligence on his part.

4. There is clearly mutual attraction and he isn’t doing this overly-romantic pining b**lshit that you see from a**sive professors on here (they “fall madly in love” with their students). I see no reason not to go to dinner with him if that’s what you want to do. I could be wrong, but this seems totally fine.

stink3rbelle −  I don’t see any personal or ethical problem with the relationship, and the professional implications seem minor. But they are there. As you mention, you shouldn’t use someone you date as a professional reference or recommendation.

Looking ahead a few years, is this a person whose recommendation and connections could benefit you? You could still benefit from the connections if you two dated seriously, but would lose that benefit if you two don’t work out.

This sounds like someone whose mentorship you value, and you stand to lose some or all of that if you two don’t work out or if he does not wish to advise you professionally/work-product wise once you’re together.

You mention that he’s someone you admire, and whose push you have valued, which still puts him in the “mentor” box. You say *other* young women go a bit gaga over his looks, but you don’t say that *you’re* attracted to him. Are you? Do you find him sexy or funny? Does his asking you out put him more into a romantic box?

I don’t think you can go wrong, ethically. But you should weigh the professional ramifications against the personal ones, and decide whether it’s worth it. People *do* date former professors, and couples in the same field *do* succeed both professionally and romantically. But if he’s a key professional building block for you, maybe hold off on dating for a little? You could ask him to keep things professional until you have or start your first job, and re-evaluate then.

USER_NOT_FOUND_6548 −  I would recommend meeting up with him if you like him. Tell him that you’d like to take it slow. This isn’t an unheard of situation, and he was professional and respectful enough to wait until the end of the term. If I were you, I’d give it a shot, take things slow and see where you wind up. Good luck, OP!

[Reddit User] −  If you’re interested in seeing him romantically, then you shouldn’t use him as a professional reference, because anyone who finds out will think you only go it because you were hooking up with the teacher.

I there are other professors who are willing to vouch for you, then you should opt for one of them if you want to date Mark. As for his professional life, that’s really for him to worry about.

Chasmosaur −  I don’t know if it’s wrong, but I think his timing was a little off. He might have waited until you got a job, so the break from professional to private was fully clear. And as someone else noted, people may wonder (but honestly, I think you could start dating him a year after you graduated and people would still gossip, because academia is pretty damn gossipy).

I am with you though on the recommendation – it’s a bit fuzzy/gray, and I honestly don’t know what to think. Much of it probably depends upon how close the community is: if the grad school isn’t tightly tied into your job community (it’s not like Comm is super specialized and a small field), it’s probably okay.

As for the dating: 5 years is not a huge age difference – I dated a fellow grad student when I was 22 and he was 29 – and he did wait until all your grades were finalized and he wrote your recommendation to ask the question. So I don’t think it’s a power-trip kind of thing – he is probably honestly interested in you, and waited until his professional influence over you was removed to ask.

slangwitch −  He should have waited to ask you well after you had graduated and didn’t need his recommendation anymore. The fact that you’re now worried about his recommendation, regardless of your answer, is evidence enough that this is not appropriate.

I found it a bit worrisome that he asked you while handing over the recommendation, in fact. Like he wanted to make sure his “favor” to you was the first thing on your mind.

He could have asked for your contact details and waited until your teacher-student relationship was truly over, but he used the time during a professional conversation to turn this into a proposition. Is the subtext that you should say yes to him or he’s going to affect the recommendation? Maybe. It’s an odd choice of timing if not.

This situation raises interesting questions about professional boundaries and timing in relationships. How would you approach such a scenario? Do you think the timing makes a difference here? Share your perspective!