My BF (M25) won’t ask for my hand, and my dad (M48) is staging a family boycott my wedding. Is my boyfriend being selfish?

A Reddit user is grappling with tension between her boyfriend and her family ahead of their wedding. After her boyfriend proposed, her father became furious that he did not ask for her hand in marriage beforehand, a tradition that her family holds dear.

While the boyfriend refuses to follow this custom, believing it to be outdated and disrespectful to women, the user’s family, particularly her father and mother, are upset and threatening to boycott the wedding. The user feels torn between respecting her boyfriend’s views and her family’s expectations.

‘ My BF (M25) won’t ask for my hand, and my dad (M48) is staging a family boycott my wedding. Is my boyfriend being selfish?’

I’ve been with my boyfriend (M25) for three years. We both just finished school, and are finally ready for marriage. He proposed last week and I happily said yes. I could not be happier. I love him and he is going to be an awesome dad someday.

But my bf is very new school and my dad is kind of old school. My dad was beyond mad that my boyfriend did not ask my dad for my hand before proposing. My dad said he was willing to hear my boyfriend’s apology if my boyfriend formally asks for my hand at a dinner that my dad said he will pay for at the restaurant of my boyfriend’s choosing.

My dad feels like he is being very accommodating. He will bring my boyfriend’s favorite wine to celebrate. I spoke to my boyfriend last night and he won’t budge. He doesn’t believe in that tradition.

My boyfriend showed me an article online where a Pakistani woman was stoned to d**th outside a courthouse because she married a man against her family’s wishes. This just happened.

My boyfriend who witnessed his father be a**sive/possessive with his mom as a child has always felt strongly that women are not property. He thinks the tradition of asking for her had is repulsive. His point is that he’s met my whole family, and gotten to know them.

He says they have always known his intentions and he never made it secret that he was in love with me and wanted to marry me and have children. He feels he was done enough to announce his intentions and all of them seemed to “approve” of him.

He says that at this point he only needs my approval to marry him and nobody else’s. So yesterday my mom told me that my dad who is not even speaking to me because I won’t set my foot down with my boyfriend is calling the whole family and telling them to not attend my wedding.

My mom says that my boyfriend is the one treating me like property by not letting me have a say in his decision to not observe a tradition that my two older sisters’ husbands observed.

I told my mother that I understand where my boyfriend is coming from and that I have decided to do away with the tradition of him asking for my hand. So my mother is obviously mad and said that I should be ready for serious consequences. I asked her what and she would not say.

But from talking to my sister she said that they would black ball us from all family gatherings. My two sister’s and my mom have told me my boyfriend is being selfish. The wedding is set for August 9th. I’m worried that nobody in my family will attend my wedding..

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

[Reddit User] −  “My dad feels like he is being very accommodating.” No, both he and your mother are being controlling. And they are attempting to make you choose between your fiance and them. Choose your fiance, otherwise you’re setting precedent for this type of behavior/interference for the rest of your marriage.

SuarezBiteGuard −  Fine, go ahead and agree to your parents’ stone age demand–but make sure they pay your fiance your full worth in cattle and/or loot.
No dowry, no request for hand in marriage–if they want the old traditions, they can have all of them.

MRattas −  Your family is being kind of…rude. Threatening your boyfriend and your wedding because he doesn’t want to do a tradition that he has seen as harmful is rather selfish of THEM! Your boyfriend is doing the right thing by not asking your father.

More to the point, this could have some slippery slope stuff either way. If he caved into your father’s demand, it could spiral into more demands and threats, because your father would have power over your boyfriend, whether you want that to be the case or not.

blahblahblahcakes −  If you and your boyfriend share the same belief that women are not property, then you need to put your foot down with your whole family. Tell them all this is what YOU are doing. YOU are marrying this guy.

And YOU are hoping they all come to the wedding, but YOU will understand if they don’t. If you are arguing in favor of empowering women and no longer being viewed as a property, then stand up for YOURSELF and tell everyone how it’s going to be.

And then do not engage in anymore discussion about it. This is your family, and you need to be the one to drawn the clear, bright line. You aren’t just “supporting” your fiance in this argument, you are the one creating the boundary.. Good luck!

ShelfLifeInc −  It’s one thing for a father to be a bit disappointed he wasn’t asked for his daughter’s hand. It’s a grossly out-dated tradition, but some people lkle the old ways, like giving the bride away. But your parents threatening to boycott your wedding amd “other consequences” is incredibly extreme and unreasonable.

If my parents threatened to boycott the happiest day of my life on the basis of something so petty, I’d say, “See ya.” Your parents aren’t upset that you and your partner aren’t honouring old traditions. They’re upset that you’re not kissing ass.

Your father obviously still intends to be the most important person in your life, and he is angry his control is threatened. Seriously, don’t negotiate with terrorists. You’re your own woman now, and you’re beginning a new life and a new family.

Being a part of your family is a privilege, not a right, and if your parents are holding their love and support ransom unless you toe the line, then I’d say you’re better off without them.

Unless you want to ask their permission every day on how to raise your children and how to run a household, tell them *now* that they have no say in how you live your life.

bladesire −  Yeah it’s one thing to be disapproving because your bf didn’t accept a tradition. It is entirely another to attempt to ruin your wedding (REPEAT: **YOUR** [Read: Not Their] WEDDING). Think about this – your parents are literally DEMANDING control over this event.

What if you want to have a supervillain themed wedding, are they gonna have a problem with that? What if you wear a purple dress and the bridesmaids are in miniskirts with sweaters on? What’s the line, and why is it where it is? Your parents are attempting to cut you out of the family because they can’t get their way on YOUR day.

southwer −  This is just my opinion. I think your father sounds like an insane rage monster, and he thinks he owns your vagina. I find this to be *beyond* creepy. Your boyfriend sounds cool.

Also, even if your boyfriend had wanted to go along with this charade, your dad has now made this utterly impossible by forming your extended family into a marriage-boycott brigade. This is about your dad’s sense of ownership over you.

edited to add: also, how exactly did this go down? your boyfriend proposed, you called your family to tell them the happy news, and your dad immediately yelled at you?

Azrael_Manatheren −  Your family isnt being kind of rude. They are being rude. This is much more about you than it is about them. If you are fine with it then that should be the end of the story. You should talk with your parents and proceed with the wedding. If they are at all supportive they will come.

sting129 −  “Mom and Dad, if you boycott my wedding and convince others to do the same you will never see your future grandchildren.”. Check and mate.

[Reddit User] −  If your parents threaten to boycott the marriage, tell them you’re prepared to elope.