AITA for telling my mom to tell her boyfriend to stop telling me what to do?

A Reddit user (20F) shares her frustration with her mom’s boyfriend, who she feels has been overstepping boundaries. Initially, she was okay with him, but his constant interference in her personal matters has started to bother her. After an argument with her mom, the boyfriend gave unsolicited advice, barged into her room when she needed space, and told her to put her phone away during a dinner.

The user feels these actions are inappropriate and has asked her mom to tell him to stop. However, her mom’s response was to tell her to address it directly with him, leaving the user unsure if she’s in the wrong.

‘ AITA for telling my mom to tell her boyfriend to stop telling me what to do?’

I (20F) have been starting to get really annoyed by my mom’s new boyfriend. At first he was cool, but now I feel as though he is overstepping. My parents got divorced only a year and a half ago and my mom and her boyfriend have been together for roughly 6 months now. Of course I am happy that she found someone new, but his actions are bothering me. It started after she told him about an argument we had, and he randomly told me to “be graceful” to those around me.

During my teenage years my mom and I would argue a lot, but it was nothing out of the normal mother-teenage daughter conflicts. I’ll admit I do still have a bit of resentment towards her for some of the things that she has done/said, but I am working on it with therapy. We are good for the most part, but sometimes she will have an attitude and I will use attitude back at her, which she probably told him and prompted him to say that.

Either way though I think it is none of his business the arguments I go through with my mom. the next thing that bothered me was on thanksgiving when I was upset because of an argument w/ my bf and needed some extra time to collect myself before going down to the table. My mom called me over the phone to come and I didn’t go immediately, but I said give me a few more minutes.

It was then when I got a knock at the door and I said “who is it, please don’t come in right now” and her bf burst through the door anyway and kept telling me to come downstairs right now. That rubbed me the wrong way completely and I was even more upset and hated being downstairs after that.

The last thing that happened w him was this evening when we went out to eat for Xmas eve, and we had all finished eating so I slipped away to the bathroom to check my phone. My bf was asking me about something important so I continued replying when I got back to the table. It wasn’t even one minute of me still being on my phone when he told me to put it away. I said “I will” and continued to text because I was just aggravated.

My parents raised me to have manners and they never banned me from using my phone completely at the table, just not excessively which I knew not to do anyways and that was not what i was doing. The rest of the time I just stayed quiet and couldn’t wait to go home. When I got home I told her to tell him to stop telling me what to do, to which she replied “you tell him” and she seemed mad.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Aggressive_Cattle320 −  ESH You are an adult. Speak UP. If she won’t say anything, then you need to. Next time he meddles in your family business, remind him that he is your mother’s bf and he needs to mind his own business. That unless you ask for his opinion, he needs to keep them to himself. And if he complains to your mother, SHE will need to speak up.

sooner-1125 −  You are 20 years old. Why are you acting like a child. Stand up for yourself. He’s not your parent and even if he was you are an adult. You can be respectful but definitely set boundaries with him. Not sure why he’s being so “parenty” after 6 months and you being 20… it’s so weird.

Siriusly_Awesome −  “I am an adult, not a child, and not your child. You are just my mom’s boyfriend, and a guest in this house. You do not have the right to order me around, or to come into my room uninvited. If you invade my privacy like that again, I will assume that you are trying to catch me changing, and take the necessary action to protect myself.” Soft YTA. Time to take charge of your own life, dear!

bethsophia −  NTA. I think a few “you know you’re not my dad, right?” responses in front of others might help, but I think you need to speak to your mother about how she needs to have a talk with him.  That might not work, but you’re still in the right. 

bamalamaboo −  NTA. Maybe you should bring this up with your therapist next time you see them? They can help you come up with strategies on how to deal with it. Also, if this guy barged into your room (even under the pretext of trying to get your attention) that’s REALLY inappropriate. You should have addressed that right after it happened, but it’s not too late to tell your mom and him that you’d appreciate if he didn’t barge into your room (even if he knocks first that’s not okay). That would make me feel really uncomfortable.

Hairy-Record-3716 −  You’re 20. You’re not a child. Tell him to p**s off yourself. NTA.

tuffyowner −  IMO this man is seriously overstepping his position in this situation. Your mother has been seeing this man for six months and he thinks he has the right to give you orders? He has a helluva nerve. And your mother should be the one to tell him to b**t out. If she won’t, you are perfectly within your right to politely tell him to mind his own business. NTA.

Alarmed-Oil-2844 −  I disagree with folks saying to talk to mom bf directly. The power dynamic there is not in your favor, totally normal to have your mom interface with the man she brought into your life imo. I do think yta for how you asked your mom. You are putting her in a really tough spot, so you need to be careful with how you approach it.

Specific instances and issues will help make this something that can be worked on as a family. Mostly I think the bf is an a**hole. He is over compensating in his new relationship I assume, but bursting into your room, super gross.

Purple-Gap2522 −  “I don’t know whether you expect to have a long-term relationship with my mother or not. If you do, then I want you to stop treating me like this because it will keep you and me from ever developing a decent working relationship, and it will cause me to distance from my mother. If you don’t, then I want you to stop treating me like this because it is completely inappropriate and bizarre.

In either case, I will attempt to be civil with you, but whether I can ever respect you will depend on you. Oh – and in either case, walking into my bedroom is unacceptable and creepy.” If you can’t say that to him, say it to your mother about him. Preface it with what you said here – that you are happy she’s found someone whose company she enjoys.

notthelichlord −  NTA You are an adult and you chose to take some time to cool your head before you decided to join the table which is an adult thing to do. Additionally, he has no business attempting to discipline you for your mom/daughter arguments years ago. He had no part in raising you and as far as I can see, he is simplely courting your mother.

He has no legal, blood-related, etc authority over you. What logic does he honestly have to tell you to come to the table immediately? “No, don’t regulate your emotions, you must drop everything to come to the table for dinner, all other life or anything else happening must stop.”

Telling you to put your phone away at the table is just dumb. I fail to see the harm in having it out to respond to a text. As stated, so long as it isn’t excessive. However, he chooses to be more strict than the actual rule as if it was a contest.

The only thing I can see that you may be in the wrong about is him defending your mom in your current arguments. At the end of the day, mom and new bf are In a relationship. Wouldn’t you expect your boyfriend to defend you in an argument? Doesn’t mom’s bf feel the same about that? Past arguments he has no business with but present arguments, he may feel a need to stand for your mom just as your bf may feel the need to stand with you.