AITA for not expressing my discomfort when my partner’s ex ended up being our server at dinner?

A couple goes to a restaurant, and the partner’s ex happens to be their server. The situation makes the poster feel uncomfortable as their partner becomes distant and doesn’t introduce them, leading to feelings of invisibility. After dinner, the poster expresses their discomfort, but the partner gets upset, feeling their own discomfort was overlooked. The poster wonders if they were wrong for not voicing their discomfort earlier during the dinner.

‘ AITA for not expressing my discomfort when my partner’s ex ended up being our server at dinner?’

Last night, after our Christmas gift exchange, my partner suggested we go to a popular restaurant near my house. They had previously mentioned that their ex worked there, but I trusted their judgment and didn’t think much of it.
Once we entered the restaurant, I noticed a shift in my partner’s energy. Before arriving, we’d been affectionate and joking around, but as soon as we walked in, they became quieter and avoided making eye contact with me.

They waved and said hi to their ex, who then ended up being our server. During the interactions with their ex, my partner didn’t introduce me, and I felt boxed out as their ex stood close to me, facing only my partner and giving compliments and kindness. This made me feel invisible and uncomfortable.

After we already ordered, my partner asked if I was okay and if there was anything they could do, I said I was uncomfortable but didn’t push to leave because I thought it might make things more awkward. I waited for just a simple introduction, but it didn’t happen. Later in the meal, their ex asked if we wanted separate checks, which reinforced my feeling that the situation didn’t look like a date.

After dinner, I explained how I felt, and my partner got upset. They said I should have been open earlier and not expected them to read my mind. I told them that their shift in energy and lack of an introduction made me feel sidelined.

They explained they were caught off guard by seeing their ex and don’t think about them ever so they were not expecting this and didn’t want to make the situation uncomfortable for their ex by introducing me because my partner broke up with them. However, this made me feel hidden and as though my feelings were less important than their ex’s comfort.

My partner felt I was ignoring their discomfort and did not offer them the benefit of the doubt. I felt like my hurt was being sidelined in the conversation and that it was unfair for me to be the one to express discomfort and I shouldn’t have been brought into that situation. We ended the conversation with them saying they needed time to process. AITA for not expressing my needs earlier and letting the situation linger until after dinner?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

out-of-spite99 −  NTA because why did he even pick there knowing she works there and then get all awkward when, uh oh, SHE WORKS THERE? I’d honestly be done after that because obviously that person still matters too much to him.

Ok-Cheetah-9125 −  NTA They deliberately took you to the place where their ex worked and then didn’t treat you like a date. Don’t let them push this on you. They wanted to show up where their ex worked with someone new but then once they did, they thought twice about it. And yes, their ex’s feelings were more important than yours.

likeeatatarbys −  NTA. This is a very typical power move. You might have been used to make the waiter jealous. As someone who’s been in this situation, no, it’s not your job to speak up and introduce yourself. If you have to go this far, that shows your partner essentially forgot about you or that you weren’t their main focus…. ON YOUR DATE NIGHT! If that doesn’t fill you with rage, than your partner g**lighting you should. I would have a conversation and let them know how you feel and how your partner ignoring you on your date is never your fault.

_abcdefeet −  he doesnt think about this ex but wanted to go there KNOWING she works there… make it make sense sweetie. NTA.

Traditional-Voice570 −  NTA. You’re not a mind reader, but your partner could’ve at least played host and said, “This is [your name].” You shouldn’t need a neon sign to feel included on a date. It’s not about their ex—it’s about common courtesy.

Super_Rule_1895 −  So you’re telling me that your SO picked a restaurant that their ex worked at and was caught off guard when the ex was there working? What a crock of BS. Your SO is an AH. Their behaviour towards you changed before they saw the ex not when they saw the ex which completely contradicts their excuse of why they treated you like a third wheel and further embarrassed you by not introducing you and not making it clear when the bill was being discussed that you were their partner.

They had multiple chances to correct themselves and didn’t. Furthermore they asked you whether you were ok which leads me to suspect that they felt or knew something was not ok and didn’t correct their behaviour. So your partner either cannot read a room or is thick, You are not going mad, your feelings are valid. Your partner reversed uno’d.

If I get angry and offended then you’ll stop asking me questions and apologise for being the unreasonable one. They are accusing you of not taking their feelings into consideration whilst not taking your feelings into consideration.

How would they feel if you took them to a venue your ex works at, change how you behave by being awkward and cold, act like they were not there, chat away with the ex and not introduce them, and allow the ex to think they are not that important enough to be introduced as your partner. How would they feel then? I bet they wouldn’t be ok with it.

Putrid_Dream9755 −  NTA. How were they caught off guard when they said beforehand that the ex worked there.

RickRussellTX −  NTA. So were you the dog or the pony in this dog & pony show? My partner suggested we go to a popular restaurant near my house. They had previously mentioned that their ex worked there. In other words, it was planned. This was sheer manipulation, probably aimed at the ex, to make them jealous.

raptone50 −  NTA. Any civilized human adult should know to introduce you in that situation and to make it clear that you’re together. The fact that they didn’t do this was very disrespectful to you. I won’t guess at their motives at dinner, but their behavior afterward is clearly g**lighting. He owes you apologies for both. If you don’t hear those apologies very soon, I would seriously reconsider whether this is a relationship worth continuing.

nextCosmicBuffoon −  NTA – Your partner chose the restaurant knowing well their ex worked there, and probably knew the ex would be there tonight. Your partner claiming their discomfort was some big deal is just a way to ignore your feelings of discomfort. Sounds like your partner was using you to make the ex jealous.