AITA I(31f) had my daughter(5f) donate her toys before Christmas?

A mom shares how she encouraged her 5-year-old daughter to participate in holiday giving by donating toys to a local daycare before buying gifts for an “Angel Tree” child. While the daughter embraced the idea, the mom faced backlash from her family, who accused her of forcing her child into charity. Was this a valuable lesson in generosity, or did the mom overstep? Read the full story below to decide.

‘ AITA I(31f) had my daughter(5f) donate her toys before Christmas?’

This year my daughter wanted to participate in our countries version of “Angel tree” I agreed with the condition that she would need to donate the amount of gifts from her toy collection we would be buying for the child. The toys my child donated would NOT be going to the child who’s list we picked, but to the local day care who had asked the community for used toy donations to thier playroom.

My daughter happily agreed to this condition and chose her 3 “least favourite” toys to donate. We purchased the toys and other asks on the child’s list and wrapped them together. We made a time of it and played carols as well as had Christmas snacks, I wanted this to be a positive experience for my daughter.

Yesterday we had my families Christmas celebration, my daughter was telling my mother(52f) about her donating her toys and getting to buy toys for another child that needs them. My mother was outraged that I “forced” my daughter to donate toys and that I was being harmful to my child, by instilling dislike for charity in my daughter.

My sister piped up and agreed with my mother saying I wasn’t being fair by forcing my child to donate her own things to participate in charity. I tried to explain to them I was teaching my child that donation costs us personally but feeling of doing good for others is the pay-off. My child doesn’t want for anything, she has had more than 3 toys given to her already for christmas, toys she preferred over the toys she gave away.

I have left the family gathering feeling very emotional and upset. My daughter is confused because she thought she was doing the right thing by donating her toys and is upset that I was crying on the way home. I’m pretty sure I did the right thing, but I was berated by my mother and sister for nearly an hour about my parenting choices.

EDIT: I have realised condition is probably the wrong word to use in the circumstances. My daughter asked to participate in the “Angel tree” and I suggested and encouraged her donate some of her own toys to the local daycare along side our donation. She enthusiastically agreed and was completely in control of what toys she was donating. We were well overdue a toy decluttering and were going to be doing this after Christmas anyway.

This way she was able to be the one to decide which toys we decluttered and got the bonus of feeling like she was helping others. If she had refused I wouldn’t have pushed the donation and we would have still donated to the charity she chose.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

AnySubstance4642 −  NTA I love you for doing this. When I was a kid, my parents had us round up and donate all our old toys that we no longer wanted or played with. We felt so good and purposeful and helpful, knowing that we were giving other kids toys and making them happy.

It made us kids feel like such good little people. We were proud of ourselves. I remember that feeling vividly. One of my formative memories is selecting a spinning Mulan character top from a McDonalds happy meal for the already-full donation box and I still feel good about it when the memory pops up in my 30s.

Your daughter probably felt that same pride welling up in her. She made other kids happy! What a wonderful little girl she knows she is to share and be generous, and to get rid of old toys in a way that isn’t wasteful. I’m so sorry that your family spoiled that positive experience for you and your daughter. If someone had taken that proud, good feeling away from me as a kid I’d have been distraught. Seeing from both your and your child’s perspective, NTA at all.

extinct_diplodocus −  NTA. Your family is claiming the right to parent your daughter. Your daughter was perfectly happy before their meddling. I suggest giving them some serious consequences for this so that maybe they’ll think before meddling again.

rutfilthygers −  I’m not judging you, but I guess I don’t understand the connection you were trying to draw for your daughter. Why would you put a condition on charitable giving? I don’t understand saying to a child “I will only buy toys for another child if you willingly give away some of your own toys.” I mean, objectively both are good things to do and it’s nice that your daughter was eager to do both, but why the need to set up some guardrail to charity? To me, they are separate conversations.

Mullberries −  NTA – I’m a parent, years ago when my kids were like 6 & 12, on Easter they were fighting in the back seat of the car over Easter candy. I told them that if they didn’t stop fighting, we’d take their Easter baskets to the local women and children’s shelter and give them to the kids there. Both of my children said “Oh! Mom, can we do that?” So we did. They willingly gave their candy to children that weren’t going to get any.

Since then (it’s been about 10 years) both of my children have gone on to become two of the most compassionate people I have met. Exposing your children to the spirit of giving is something that can help them learn empathy and teach them to care for people that aren’t in their immediate circle. Giving away a few toys, especially before Christmas when they’re just going to get more isn’t going to negatively effect your child.

Aroracherry −  Soft YTA it’s not the sentiment behind what you did it’s the execution. Your daughter wanted to help another child from the angel tree, she wanted to do something out of the goodness of her heart. You used the opportunity to take more from her than she offered and this can cause huge problems in later life.

You could have done both but after donating made it a game at another point further down the line. I am so proud of you for donating to people in need, we got so many new gifts for Christmas and the daycare is running out of toys, is there any old toys you would like to donate?’ And allowed her to make the decision and enjoy giving back.

thehouseofupsidedown −  NTA. What’s wrong with your mother & sister? Do they just like to create drama? This reaction was ridiculous. Even if this was the case, in front of the kid isn’t the place to do it. But seriously…what’s their problem with charity? I wonder if a young child wanting to participate in charity made them feel some sort of way about not doing something themselves, so the answer of course is to make it out like you’re doing something wrong.

choccaramel −  ESH except your daughter who is a gem. Your mother and sister are wrong to discourage something like this. Even though your heart is at the right place, soft YTA, you should have not levied any conditions : I will buy gifts for donation only if you donate. But I get that you wanted her to experience the joy of giving and for that you are a wonderful person. Edit: NTA based on OP’s clarification.

IceQueen649 −  Well if your daughter is fine with it then NTA but I hate this conditional parenting. My dad did it a lot and I hate him for it.  Personally I have a strong attachment to me childhood things and toys so I never donated them. If my mom would force me to donate, I’ll probably hate her for the entire life and not talk to her. But that’s just me.

Due-Contact-366 −  Don’t worry. Your daughter will sort this out with her shrink in thirty-eight years.

Missmagentamel −  Why did your daughter have to donate her own things to participate in the charity? She’s participated in two charities now…